Missing you

Suddenly
i'm missing you
Wanting to pull you close,
envelop my senses
in your essence
Press my lips to yours,
taste your mouth
Look into your eyes,
see your soul
Feel your arms around me
Smell you
Beginning just behind your ear
ending at your ankle
Hear your voice say my name
Rest my head on your chest,
absorb your heartbeat
Wherever you are,
my heart longs to be
Goodnight my love

Wanterism

'Wanterism' is a concept that came to me about 2 am. It means anything you REALLY want but seems like total fantasy.

Top ten wanterisms;

1. Mercedes SLK (latest obsession)
2. Brad Pitt naked, not talking
3. A whole year to lose myself somewhere in the world, explore and write
4. Sun-ripened apricots on top of tree
5. A man that thinks that emotions are ok things to express
6. A live in chef and masseur
7. A house that cleans up after you leave for work
8. Sunshine, at least 6 hours of it or more everyday
9. Long lunches daily
10. Followed by siesta and sexual partner of choice

If by some stoke of luck, genius or whatever means available these become reality they automatically transfer to haverisms.

Haverisms are anything you thought was a wanterism but somehow wasn't.

You get my drift?

Ah life. Someone must be laughing their arse off.

Ego Tripping at the Gates of Hell

i was waiting on a moment
but the moment never came
all the billion other moments
were just slipping all away
i must have been tripping
just ego tripping
i was wanting you to love me
but your love it never came
all the other love around me
was just wasting all away
i must have been tripping
just ego tripping
i was waiting on a moment
but the moment never came
but the moment never came

- The Flaming Lips
Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots

Martino magnifico
Hi baby
I'm listening to The Lips thinking bout ya.
Wondering if Friday night turned out to b fucking glorious
or if u r weeping into a hotchoc
watching dvd's all on your lonely only
Love, aint it grand. Don't it suck!

Love to you forever

Welcome to my dark side

I love blood
I love bloody fantasies
I love movies that ooze blood
I love the sharp primal instinct
that the smell triggers

Vivid
fresh
bright
wet
red
trickling
spraying
dripping
oozing
dark
black
crimson
rich
velvety
slippery
smooth
russet
sticky
tacky
dried
brown
stained

The taint in your nostrils.

The unmistakable taint of blood.

The metallic taste, like iron tablets.

You can taste the smell of blood.

life
lust
sex
danger
blood and flesh
love

The most I have ever bled was after the birth of my first child.

There was a lot of blood.

How I survived losing that much blood, I don't know.

After I ate iron tablets like they were candy.

What would all my blood look like in the bath?

Repulsive?

Why is repulsion so compelling?

Double-edged.

Fascinating and repulsive.

Love on earth; security is sexy

One could be forgiven for imagining a material girl theme running here. What in fact has been happening is my annual Venus in Leo transit.

Me, me, me! Shower this princess/goddess/heroine/lover with presents, compliments and luurve! But now (alas) Venus has left luscious Leo, gliding into virtuous Virgo to have her gracious, vegetarian and vitamin RDI (shower before and after) way with us all.

Followed closely by Mars into Taurus. In contrast to action-man Aries, he can appear a little Neanderthal, a little slow on the uptake. Probably because he has been distracted by the wafting smells of slow roasted venison, the temptation of lady Virgo (preferably on the chaise lounge dressed in Chanel) and the clink of coins somewhere in the back chamber. Mars in Taurus can certainly lack in the dazzlingly stylish stakes but I personally find him very sexy here (because he can afford to keep me in the manner with which I am accustomed). Get used to the vibe people, it's here to stay for the next 7 months! Bring on the $$$, sex and food. I'm dreaming of a very sexy, educated man in pinstriped suit, a relaxed chat about my latest investments, sipping chianti and nibbling stuffed quail while I slide my stockinged foot into the inside of his thigh under the starchy linen tablecloth of my favourite restaurant, MB parked outside.

Back to the real world, my acupuncturist, upon checking my pulses commented, "How are your nerves?" "Fine", said I, thinking of the late nighters, the constant mind chatter. To which he replied, "I can't find your heart pulse." "Oh, is that a problem? I would probably work better without one."

I got the pin in the middle of my head again. Is that for curing a cheeky disposition?

Anyway my heart is back on line. I had a rush of energy to it after crashing for a good 12 hours of sleep. It felt like a drumroll. Then driving about 28 hours later I felt a sorrow surge, followed by a joy rush. Eueueugh. Man what a trip acupuncture is...

I was thinking the other day, gotta stop falling in love. Wondering whether the thrill of it would -be as potent if it didn't have the echo of some distant tragedy.

So I'm sticking to matters of security. Behaving myself and working hard to save some money and get RICH. Can you buy love? First on the agenda is signing over (my money, sigh) for a scholarship fund for my children's education (so if I fail at getting rich I can push them into some disgustingly wealthy career). Gotta hedge those bets!

Meet the love of my life...

Mercedes SLK mmmmm delicious! Darling you are so beautiful you make me wanna cry.

Buon Appetito!

Our formal Italian dinner party tomorrow night,

aperitivi sparkling wine with tiny tomato tarts
pane bread with good olive oil and bowls of olives
primi handmade pumpkin ravioli with cream,
walnut and sage sauce with a tiny arugula salad
secondi garlic-crusted racks of lamb on rosemary
seared barramundi fillets with roasted beetroot
bowls of beans drizzled with olive oil and seasalt
mixed fungi, panfried in truffle infused oil
insalata red cabbage and orange salad
dolci chocolate, hazelnut and honey semifreddo
digestivi frangelico
formaggi cheese with cuddureddi, quince & fresh pear
cafe espresso and cigars

Today in the markets, I pottered, chatting and smiling with the stall holders, smelling fresh produce, discussing the menu and breathing the sensual vibe of one of my favourite places on earth. Picking beautiful, delicate mushrooms, an aphrodisiac sliver of vanilla pod, big fat dried figs.

Back south to drop in to pick some juicy prime lamb racks, order a barramundi to be filleted early in the morning and picked up good olive oil, tasting new salted olives and collecting some Italian varietals, barbera, sangiovese, and nebbiolo.

Sigh! I'm in heaven. Food and sex and this little chick is a happy girl :-)

Anima Mundi

"The archetypal Artemis is also composed of a triple aspect, for she represented a wild sense of femininity, a nurturer, and the sublime virgin goddess."

"A deeper examination of her archetypal nature reveals the richness of the inherent symbolism associated with the feminine psyche for Miller has noted that Artemis represents the huntress nature and the "High Priestess" in her solitary role as Virgin-Mother, and in both instances she is coupled with the moon as the symbol of lunar consciousness. As the Virgin-Mother she is the archetype of their Anima Mundi, paradoxically and simultaneously the Immaculate Virgin and Great Mother within whose makeup is contained the total cyclic natural processes and its relationship to time, transcending time while constantly living in an eternal now. She is the highest representation of the wholeness within the female, the feminine source of wisdom and the secret powers of nature, the archetype that has echoed down through the millenniums as the Great Mother, the symbol of bringing creative ideas to manifestation, of life itself (Artemis: Paradoxical Virgin-Priestess-Mother)."

Love a Leo

I love Leo people. I love their pomposity, their showmanship, their tantrum throwing, their take me or fuck off stance on life. I love it that they rub people up the wrong way, not because they are arseholes but because they truly believe in themselves. If you have Leo prominent in your chart, there is a good chance that I will love you madly! I have Venus in Leo, it's my essential femaleness, and while this transit occurs each year, I feel larger than life, confident, carefree and am demanding of love, attention and the limelight. Now Saturn is in Leo, we will all have a karmic bash at being LEO! Not surprisingly, Leo's are reinventing themselves, left, right and centre. But not the way you would expect.

Madonna isn't the person she once was - and that's the way she wants it. These days, the former Material Girl spends more time with her two children than she does performing. She collects art instead of boyfriends, and she's traded in her leather and lace undergarments for more demure outfits.

"I was a very selfish person. You go through periods of your life where the world does revolve around you, but you can't live your whole life that way," she is quoted as saying. "On the other hand, I kind of admire my spunk and directness!"



Me too Mrs Richie, Me too.

Ponder this

Life is sexually transmitted

Fortunate words

Read today, JK Rowling, famed author of the Harry Potter books, is worth a f***ing fortune! She gets $2000 a word for her fiction.

If I were JK Rowling that last little reflection on life would be worth $600,000.

Inconceivable!

Hooray for JK, the humble school teacher who rose to become richer than the Queen of England with her amazing imagination and indomitable spirit!

Off to bed.

So sleepy.

Earth's altar

life is changing so fast

fate has dealt a new hand
do you want to play?

the cards you hold now
will shape your future
for years to come

or you can put your cards
face-down on the table
wait for a better deal

take it or leave it

how often we twist the truth
construct an acceptance of things as they are
by the inevitability of change

how easy to dream of a distant time
when all will be well
because it will be right then
or different

how often the spectre of the past
causes fear to build up like tartar

a spirit can be suppressed by a big
mind-numbing
prosac
dose of nostalgia

hold on to something that is past it's time

nostalgia can blind our eyes to the way things are
with the memories
of the way things probably never were

walking on the winter beach

cold air biting at my nose

sun straining through atmosphere
ineffective distance from now

this is my sanctuary

a place to connect with spirit

a restless urge

a whispering ripple

a tiny creeping caterpillar
eating at the tender green platform it stands on

i stop and turn slowly
taking in this magnificent cathedral

sea salt sun shimmering sky

clouds coloured circling closing

sun sifting slowly sinking

moon mysteriously magnetic

waves crashing running receding

pebble resting

i pick it up

it is cold
flat
smooth
porous
round
grey

turn it over slowly
note its tiny flaws

precious pebble
washed in the watery womb
birthed onto the sleek wet sand
purified by the setting sun
blessed by the rising moon

i put it into my pocket

a reminder of the power of nature

the cycle of time

the essence of change

it's a beautiful thing

Combustion capers

Having two children has made me more flexible and patient.

But this weekend?

What a mind trip!

Here is a taste.

My plans for a splendid evening with friends took a twist and then a turn and changed to me staying with a close friend for a quiet night.

And? you say.

Well having decided not to go out after all, I decided to pop home to grab a chicken to roast, some icecream and some butterscotch schnapps. yum

On the way back I spied a raging inferno!! "Holy Cow!" thought I, "a house on fire!" In a mad 'curiosity killed the cat' caper I ended up on a back road in the middle of nowhere, bogged in a ditch that I had reversed back into in the dark. The ditch would have been quite favourable to drive out of had it not been raining all day and full of slimy, muddy water.

So there I was in the freezing cold, with a huge wall of fire in front of me at a distance. What to do? What to do? At some point while I was standing there feeling more than a little silly I put two and two together and placed the fire as a OTT backyard bonfire. (I remember a local guy boasting that he had drunk a slab of beer and burnt a cabin cruiser for his 30th Bday a couple of years ago, I was speechless, a little impressed and more than a little disturbed by this at the time).

The situation was quickly remedied by a mate up the road who came to my rescue. Naughty boy had (unbenownst to me) been drinking and smoking all evening and arrived, boozy, stinky maleness, full wine glass in hand in his trusty utility, declaring with a lopsided, unshaven grin "Here I am, your drunk knight in shabby ute." Got to give the guy 10/10 for humour.

This was one of many surreal experiences.

The magnificent person I am to be... and other stories of Saturn in Leo

I just checked in to Mystic Medusa's blog, the chick who writes stars for the Weekend Australian. She has posted a letter written by a Capricorn re: Saturn changing signs... This is a beautiful metaphor of what IS for all of us now...

So there I was, Capricorn in Coogee, thinking this morning, "Hmm, Saturn has finally f***ed off out of Cancer and I don't feel any different. Yes, over the past three weeks, my life has changed dramatically on many different, profoundly amazing levels, but, nah, don't feel a thing. So I am down at the beach for my usual Sunday latte and papers in the sun (lucky me) and espy to my right a restaurant that has particular poignancy re. me and the ex-boyfriend who entered my life three years ago and played some very instructive (though utterly gut-wrenching) havoc for two of those ensuing years, leaving me licking wounds and healing for the past one. And I have this sudden thought of hey, so what? Like that building is going to be there as long as I live here, so too is he going to be part of the landscape of my life. So what? I got complete, sudden acceptance of that. And then I had this intense visual pullback moment, where I saw all the urban buildup behind me as the accumulated structure of who I am now and the beautiful, sparking, windy, wavy infinite ocean before me as the realm of future possibility. And I was moved to beautiful tears of gratitude, for that and for who I am. And everything looked absolutely exquisite. Yes, apart from
this, I don't feel any different... Just wanted to say thanks for giving me the heads-up on what this all means -- but don't you just love it when the theory puts itself so magnificently into practice!! I thought you'd appreciate the story. Good luck with the fiction; been there and am cheering you along. Coogee Cappy

True Beauty

I received an email today from a client with whom I have a very strong connection with. She is an angel, a very compassionate, wise and inspiring woman! A Goddess!!! This is her thoughts on beauty...

I've been thinking about the 'true beauty' concept a bit more and what it means. Using natural products and eating organic foods reduces the toxicity that the body has to process. Less toxicity leads to a more energetic aura which is enlarged. People with strong auras have all their chakras working more effectively which is very attractive (hence spiritual leaders have such a strong following and presence because of their auras). When your aura is healthy you are also living your lifes purpose and working for the highest good of all, which makes the world a more pleasant place to be in. It's a simple concept but it stretches a long way.

Today is the beginning of the rest of my life

One day the mirror cracks, and shatters. The pieces lying around your feet reflecting a reality that no longer exists. How odd to realise what you knew all along.

I feel so free of this tangled web.

I feel free to choose.

I feel free to love.

I feel free to hope, plan and dream.

I am not alone.

I have myself.

I'm still a kid in there somewhere

Just as I eased myself into a very welcome hot bath signalling the end of a long day and week, my little man woke up and started crying. I ignored him for a little while hoping he would just drift back to sleep, but when he started moaning 'I want my mummy' over and over again I knew that I was going to have to get out of this bath and go back to motherland.

I am not going to pretend that I am a hero here because frankly I felt like yelling at him to shut-the-fuck-up-and-go-to sleep-because-I-am-having-a-god-damned-much-deserved-bath-and-some-time-to-myself...

Instead I got up and dried myself off, picked him up out of his bed and took him to mine. He snuggled in holding my hand, twisting his hair with his other one and fell asleep. Ya can't be mad for long with kids.

I was lying there with this precious little boy stroking his hair it hit me again. I am a mum. Still can't quite get used to that idea, even two children later. I remembered my mum getting up to me at night when I was unwell, afraid, cold, just needing my mum.

Mums are bloody heroes!

Tresor de la langue francaise

Open the Tresor de la langue francaise to amour and you will find;

Love is sometimes more than just love, but also sometimes less.

Hmm... interesting.

Artemis

More symbolism

Since May last year, I have had the symbol of a white owl with grey wings as my totem.

The Owl symbolises wisdom, feminine power and transformation.

The Horse, which commonly inhabits my dreams and fantasies, represents freedom, movement and beauty.

And being a little Rabbit brings me prosperity, abundance and fertility.

Getting right into this symbolism stuff I just looked up trees.

I live in a little cottage on land laced with natural springs and trees. I fondly named the cottage 'Willow' when moving in because there is a beautiful willow tree out the front that shelters us in summertime and provides magic and mystery.

Willow trees represent moon cycles and water, emotional healing, intuition, divine feminine spirit.

Often my dreams and visions are set in a dark radiata pine forest... There is one about 10 minutes from my house that I was drawn to, like a moth to a flame, last year when I was going through a pretty dark period. I would drive there at night and wander through it with the stars and the moon as my companions, pondering the darker mysteries of life as my warm breath misted in the cold night air.

Pine trees represent purification and cleansing negative emotions.

And then more recently the beautiful, mystical oak trees...

Oak trees represent strength, fortitude, courage and faith.

Cool!

Embracing the Goddess

It's funny how things become symbolic.I have just read a bit more of my current read and come to the part about embracing the Goddess!

What inspired me to blog here?

1. The uneasy feeling that I was being way too candid, dumping my la la life into my email mailing list... Funnily enough after I decided to find another outlet, I got stacks of feedback from people on THE LIST about how much they loved it!

2. A new moon in Cancer where I attended a ceremonial sweat lodge to plant the seeds of my journeys for the year. My yummy horseriding-in-red fantasy proceeded that sweat as well a number of symbolic pointers that I was starting some new adventures.

I instinctively feel drawn to Artemis, she has quite a temper and loves frollicking with nymphs, hunting wild creatures, and has an intuitive presence around birth and fertility. Being a Cancer chick I like the links to the moon. Now it seems that Artemis keeps popping up everywhere!

Embracing Artemis is about connection to nature, independence, courage, determination to reach goals, childbirth and new projects.

Astro strikes again

This astro stuff is so spot on... This is from www.astro.com where you can punch in your birth details and get free daily astro that actually relates to your chart. It will remember four profiles for you to access and give you long term transits. Thank goddess that ansty moon square saturn transit has departed and the I'm having...

A good day for arranging and participating in social get-togethers. Spend time with friends and enjoy yourself. You probably won't want to talk about anything serious, because this is a light-hearted influence. Nevertheless, it is a good time for talking to loved ones and making it clear how you feel about them. Even if there are tensions within your relationships, this influence should enable you to discuss them, straighten them out and leave nothing behind but good feelings. If you do not have any work that has to be done, this is a good time for attending a concert, art exhibit or other intellectually stimulating activity. Or you might take a trip and spend the day in pleasant surroundings away from home. Whatever you do, this should be a light, pleasant day.

The thing I like about Astrology that stops me from dumping it in the 'what a load of crap' basket is that is based on real planetary transits, what it all means is interpretive but somehow it often fits... Feeling much better today with Venus sextile Mercury. Lounging with my babies and reading the Review, eating and general relaxing by the fire. Chatted to my fabulous Gemini grannie on the telephone today, she rocks!

More on the night sky, jupiter is that dazzlingly bright star sitting close to the curvy, cresent in the early evening (around sunset EST).

Astro

During this time it is necessary to proceed slowly and cautiously. The more thoroughly and carefully you perform any task, the more chance there is that it will succeed. Usually this is a very frustrating and irritating time, when all your efforts to assert yourself are blocked, more by a sense of internal inadequacy than by circumstances or other people. However, you are not likely to take negative reinforcement lying down, even if it comes from within yourself. The part of you that is struggling to break free from inhibitions will feel very angry at being held back. Consequently you are likely to be irritable and easily angered, although your inner doubts make you reluctant to show your anger openly. But no matter how you try to cover it up, everyone will be quite aware that you are seething inside.

Ah yes astrology, says it all really (moon square saturn transit)

Holy Bitch

After my vomit of pissed-off-ness today I fear I may be bitter! Perhaps descending down into the realms of queen bitchery and then I read this in a new book I'm reading called,

Secrets & Mysteries: The Glory and Pleasure of Being a Woman by Denise Linn

The word "bitch" has an interesting history. It became a derogatory term in early Christendom because it was one of the most sacred titles of the Goddess Artemis, who led a pack of hunting dogs. When Athena assumed her death-Goddess form, her priestesses filled her temple with dogs who howled at the moon. Holy bitches are also found in ancient India as the revered Great Bitch Goddess Samara, who led the sacred Vedic dogs of death and rebirth. In early Christianity, the term "son of a bitch" was an insult not because it meant the person was a dog, but because it implied that the man was the son of a pagan Goddess... A holy bitch speaks up for herself, yet she still has love, joy and creativity in her life.

Brigitte Nielsen talks candidly about love  

Interesting psychology experiment

This is a fun way to glimpse into the hidden aspects of other people/yourself. It's a good party conversation starter. Scarily revealing...

What is your favourite fairytale, or the first one that pops into your head?

Mine is Cinderella (the closet princess). Story here

Ah yes that is so true!

After spending my only day off scrubbing and vacuuming the castle this weekend, which I share with the Three Little Pigs, I realised it would be messy by tomorrow and I had just wasted an opportunity to get out for a while on my own. Damn! I stared at the cat wishing it to turn into my fairy godmother, but she just yelled at me to feed her.

My live-in prince gets quite stroppy at the amount of odd socks that end up in his sock drawer after I do the washing. It's true, how do they get lost?

If you tick yes to the following statements you have a Cinderella complex;

I work so hard, tirelessly scrubbing, making money, raising kids, being responsible. Yep

I get off on glaming up, going out, hitting the party hard and then running home at the stroke of midnight in a vapour of mystery woman. That's me!

I am a poor girl in rags aspiring to be a rich girl in jewels. ah yes and dressed by Pierucci and driving my MB thanks!

I find domesticity exceedingly dull and uninspiring but have control freaky issues about cleanliness and order in my home. Shit yes!

I am not going into prince stuff because that is too sensitive a topic for me to even navigate. But would I sell my prince for a fucking hot share portfolio today? Don't tempt me.

...And they lived happily ever after

Whilst wetting my pants over that MB, I read a very interesting interview (Weekend Australian Magazine, July 9-10 2005, p 14) with model/actress BRIGITTE NIELSEN. Married 5 times with 4 children to 3 different men. WOW! She talked openly about love and her relationships. She's 41 now I think and with husband no. 5. Her comments,

But how do you know someone is really the right person for you; how do you know they are your soul mate? None of us are perfect, and because of that you have to say: "This person is built like that, filled with these good things and these bad things." Sure, you might be able to make a few small changes in a person, but ultimately you can't change their personality, the way they think and act. You have to ask yourself: "Can you handle the bad things or can't you?"And if you can't, then whether it's three months or three years down the line, the break-up will eventually
come.

She goes on to talk about what she wants, a man who really loves her for who she is. She doesn't think of herself as gorgeous Brigitte Nielsen, sheathed in black dress and jewels, but as a small,
poor Gitte, thin, tall and ugly whom everyone made fun of as a kid. Bit sad. She is definately a Cinderella.

The bowels of winter

It's so cold, and wet, and grey and miserable. I really hate winter today. I'm feeling tres crabby, trying not to let my EMOTIONS run a total riot and scream and tear the place (and my significant other) to pieces.

Saw the new (new to me) Mercedes SL65 today, whilst extracting myself from a coma/stupor with life-enhancing caffeine. OH divine goddess! Yum. My heart stopped beating and my stomach turned to mush! Love at first sight. Thought screw my love life, my fucking marriage!, my lousy sex life, I am running away with that car!

$450,000, perhaps not.

She will inevitably end up in the hands of some old, ugly (rich) man. Tragedy! heartbroken, crying...

Going out for more coffee and see if I can pick up some sanity.

Druidic War Chant

I am poetry – I am fire on the brain
I am sea-wind breathing you to paradise
I am inundation – I bring doom to your plain
I am breaker tearing at your rock
I am salmon strong in my element
I am seven pronged antlers sharp from the rut
I am molten tears – I am the sun’s extract
I am boar – I bleed savagery
I am hawk keeping watch on a cliff
I am thorn nailing the incomer
I am queen in the hive – I am the centre
I am prodigy – I bring flowers
I am one with the tree and the lightning
I am the secret of the gravedigger’s working
I am signal beacon spreading over the hills
I am shield who will shelter you in battle
I am spear – temper me in blood
I am the sun’s bed – I am the moon’s face
I am sea and sky, river and mountain
I am the shape shifter – I am endless
I am the source – I am the author

Old Irish-The Song of Amergin Translated by Nigel McLoughlin

Everyone knew Artemis was a virgin
goddess, but little did they know that
she had in fact been granted 'eternal
virginity' - handy! And who survived
long enough to kiss and tell?

Why I love forests

As I was driving home from the city the other day, I was lost in this moment in time, cantering through a vast oak forest like Forêt de Fontainebleau in France, mounted on a beautiful silvery white and grey dappled stallion, clad in blood-red velvet, thigh high handcrafted Italian leather riding boots, long dark hair whipping my face. Feeling the strength and heat of a very powerful and majestic creature between my legs. Such feelings of joy and vital energy and a profound sense of freedom...