Like a virgin...

I am cleaning, organising, dusting, rearranging furniture, running around with a tape measure around my neck. The carpet cleaner came today and the carpet is clean! With the current Virgo vibe I was reaching for my diary to book him in for end of Summer but calmed myself by stashing his 'details' away in my check book. So I know when it was last done and I can call from the check book to book so it doesn't get put off for another 3 years. 3 years!!

I feel repulsed at the thought that my carpets haven't been professionally steamed for three years. I feel oh so virtuous, so Virgo as I pile up my heap of multi vitamins, rotating my zinc and iron supplementation to get the most from them. I think the iron prevents the zinc from being absorbed.

clean
tweak
arrange
move
move back
sort
perfect
health
must
perfect
health

Innocence Found

Phillip Adams speaking in the Weekend Australian Magazine, p 46, August 20 - 21 2005.

Every kid, given half a chance, wants to be a kid. At least some of the time. My 13-year-old - very mature, well read, widely traveled and politically progressive - regards her Dad with the familiar teenage mixture of amused tolerance and mild embarrassment. Yet in a flash she'll revert to the little girl who loved to giggle, be scared by ghost stories and climb trees. There's still an innocence and equally precious, a sense of wonderment.

Saturday 20th August 2005

Innocence, what is that these days? When the news candidly features all manner of horrors, and the internet creates easy access to a whole cornucopia of sexual deviations, are we any wiser by being informed? Does this create hyped up fears about the world we live in, confusion about our sexuality?

On the road, traveling always makes me nostalgic. I'm writing this the old fashioned way, pen and notepad, as we travel 550 kms into the heart of the country. Destination: Prairie Hotel, Parachilna, Flinders Ranges, South Australia.

I'm taking a new perspective. My kids are healthy, well adjusted, respectful. My partner is loving, patient and genuinely supportive.

Maybe it's time to leave behind the existential crisis. Time to gaze in wonderment at the silver lining. Naivety has it's merits. Innocence has a quality of hopeful anticipation that is refreshing to the soul.

I'm so tired of baracading myself against failure, disappointment and the evening news.

I am going to start looking through the hopeful, optimistic, eyes of a child. Live fully in the moment, turn off my mobile phone sometimes and start to look forward to what my family, friends, my life and all it's experiences has to teach me. Accept what comes with grace and a benevolent heart.

Full Moon Madness

Taking a moment to stop and write because it is good therapy to get this merde out. I have contacted two clients today who are either broke or too busy to get together for me to do the work they want me to do. I'm crossing off my source of income down the list. It's torrentually raining, cold, grey and miserable. Fitting.

I need some sun. Going away is looking up, at least by travelling further north I will be getting closer to the sun. And there is nothing here for me to do at present but get myself into a deeper state of depression.

As if on cue it rains harder.

This full moon I have shed tons of tears. Swinging between wanting to disappear from this planet and curl up in someone's lap and not move. I am isolating myself out of sympathy to anyone coming in contact with my emotionally instability.

I am taking up too much psychic space, it's dark sunglasses day (will blog about the concept of dark sunglasses, soul windows etc some day).

I'm going to go and cheer myself up with some caffeine and then work my way down this list that I wrote in desperation to somehow centre myself and get my head together...

Just looked at my little sakura (cherry blossom) sleeping in her cot with the cat snuggled up to her for warmth and companionship. My heart melted, exploded with love and happiness. She is so beautiful like sunshine on a cloudy day.

Starlore

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Love yourself first. And whenever the terms of an encounter coax you into making pledges or pleas that call the prioritized primacy of your self-care into question—and you'll recognize the symptoms of mystical ringing-in-your-ears and knotty doesn't-feel-quite-right stomach somersaults—then kindly excuse yourself and regroup until your protective boundaries are back in place. Some of your star-sign siblings are getting rather pushy and probing lately, and the only way for a sensitive Cancerian to weather their abrasive attitudes is to seek brief flashes of bliss in sanctuaries of your choosing. These places (whether real locations or metaphoric mind-states) exist to remind you of your purest Self, and to alleviate the pressures from others on you to be who they want or need you to be. If you can't regularly retreat from their insatiably grabby hands, you'll too easily fall under the spell of defining yourself solely as a nurturer of others… and be left wondering when someone will be coming to your support.

Disclosure

Today my thoughts are banging around in my head like a never-ending playground of dodgem cars.

My children are products of my own body, your blood is my blood, your flesh comes from mine. Then why am I wanting to run a mile from myself?

I am suffering. I need a break from motherland. I need to go somewhere very quiet and rest from the demands of this family. Find myself again. I think the three to nine months stretch is the hardest part of having a baby, six months that will stretch you to the point of breaking. It's a combination of factors; interrupted sleep every night, constant adjustments to new stages of development, loss of autonomy, low income which, lets face it, does define our value in this society.

What I have to look forward to tomorrow is fitting in a trip to see a client for new signage, ring three others to organise a start on their contracts and running around getting packed for my family to go away while managing a baby who I'm weaning and introducing to solid food, while organising her to begin (one day) of childcare soon (this involves familiarisation visits and about twenty pages of paperwork) so my career can start to flow on when I get back, no wonder I'm so schizo. Then early Saturday morning when I will be feeling very tired and grumpy I get to pile into a car and spend about 6 hours in a confined space with them. It makes me want to throw up. I feel sick at the thought.

If I have to change one more shitty nappy, scrape saliva-thinned food off my shoe, wipe vomit off my shoulder while talking with a client on the phone, I am going to go and shoot myself. I have nightmarish hallucinations of bottles going around inside the microwave, the seconds counting down to a 'ping', along with the clunk of the washing machine and the scatchy rip of velcro nappy tabs.

My intimate life is so fucked over I can't even abandon myself to pleasure anymore. Not for lack of partner but because I just don't feel like it anymore. Six months of breast feeding and the thought of anyone touching my boobs, or even eyeballing them is enough for me to lock myself in a dungeon. Don't touch me, just don't fucking touch me.

I don't want to go out anymore in public with my kids, people stop me all the time and tell me how 'lucky' I am to have such well behaved, beautiful children. Is all this time, this love, this draining, life sapping devotion worth it just to have pin up kids? AM I doing this just to have pin up kids? I feel like such a fake when I parrot back 'Yes I am lucky'.

Then I start beating myself up for not being a good enough mother, not loving it and it's constant demand that makes me put myself last time and time again. When it gets to 11 am and I have had enough time to get up, change nappies, clothes on kids, jump in the shower, towel dry myself while answering 20 assorted questions shot from the curious mr 2 and a half and juggling a grizzly miss 6 months. Feed him, feed her (it takes excruciating patience and perseverance to feed a baby beginning solid food), change nappies, put her down for a sleep, almost pass out with hunger, bite my tongue when mr insatiably curious asks me for the 100th time what something is, mid shovelling my mouth full of muesli, then cursing at the time and shoving him toward the car, he starts wailing because I lifted him into his seat and he wanted to get in himself. Drag him out, help him back in, run back to get miss 6 months who is now very cranky at being left for exactly 5 minutes on her own, juggling her, and nappy bags, shopping bags, other misc but necessary items (books and cars for him, chewable toy and blanket for her).

Running back to close the front door I glance at the clock and I'm running about a half an hour late. I get back to the car and the unmistakable smell of shit fills the closed confines. I can smell the difference between my children's shit - amazing hey. Its mr curious, I ask him if he has done a poo and he looks at me sideways and says 'no'. I wrestle him out of his seat, unlock the front door and frogmarch him into his room to change his nappy, him protesting the whole way and then telling me he is hungry on the way back out the door. It's lunch time by now and I have got exactly squat done for the day. I give him a snack for the car and on the way he asks for his water cup. I can see it in my head sitting on the kitchen table. They both fall asleep by the time I get to the shops. I stare at their beautiful, peaceful, angelic faces.

I feel like crying, I feel like screaming, I feel like walking away but I can't because I am their mother and they need me and I love them and they are my life now.

Now my partner has just stomped off to bed angry with me because I asked him to knock on my studio door before barging in to say goodnight and scaring the bejesus out of me.

I don't feel so good tonight because not only do I feel exhausted, in need of a break, broke, and alone but I now know that this holiday is going to totally suck because the man I married has been replaced by someone I don't know anymore and the girl he married is a distant memory. It's like sharing a bed with a stranger. I don't know how to make this ok anymore. I don't know what is left when love doesn't feel enough to hold two people together long enough to get through this tough time. And if we get through will it be enough to sigh with relief and part ways or will we engage in one of those 'hell on earth' separations that fuck up parents and children alike? I think getting married is like handing someone the most vulnerable parts of your soul and saying 'here look after this for me, will you?' It reminds me of a plant I forgot to water and it died. I kept watering it for a long time after hoping it would shoot a few leaves, give me a sign that it was ok, going to keep growing. It never did.

Parallel Universe

Drunk dialing, drunk blogging...

I have consumed half a bottle of very good red wine and because I have spent the last 3 years being relatively kind to my liver (because I have been carrying/feeding little babies) I am now under the influence. Alcohol makes me a. Mad and Bad b. Lustful c. Verbose d. Witty (until I sober up and realise how a. boring I am b. rude I am c. drunk I was).

On second thought cross out Lustful. 'Thanks for the offer but I'm happy masturbating. I know what I like and I don't have the energy to pump up your penis (read ego).'

I'm about to start work for the night. My second born is about to start childcare in a few weeks so my moonlighting career can take it's rightful place, in daylight hours.

And here comes Spring.

Little buds peeking tentatively from the ends of the willow branches
swelling moon sits pregnant in the early evening
pink, longer, light, lingering
Blossom scatters across the back door
like joyfully strewn confetti
There is change on the breeze
a fresh
clean
fragrant
green scent
Hope pushes upward
with bulbs long dormant
cleaving open the dark, damp earth
the heady smell of narcissis
drinking water
in the vase on the windowsill

For the first day, for as long as I can remember, the sun shone. (It probably wasn't THAT long ago but sex and sun, if it's not happening on a daily basis, I'm lamenting it's absence.)

I got all imbibed with enthusiasm to put tons of washing through the machine and then as the first cycle spun out the neighbours fired up a big pile of green stuff to burn off (not fun green stuff either). The smoky, sweet smell wafted over the property boundaries, uninvited. I allowed myself an (unevolved) moment of feeling a little shitty about that. But it gave me the excuse to procrastinate, brew myself a coffee and sit sleepy-eyed in the sun for a few minutes observing them poking and piling on more green fuel with the watchful ambivalence of a well-fed cat looking a bird cluelessly sitting within range.

The first wash is still in the machine because I am not grounded enough to concentrate on such mundane necessities as doing my washing. I am not the domestic goddess I aspire to.



I WANT MY OWN PLANET! Invitation only.

I still feel so Leo. Love it. Spent some time with a Leo today. It was his birthday. We went for a stroll around the property, smoking cigars. He asked me if I could be nice, even if I didn't feel nice, I said, 'No, take me as I am, or fuck off, this is my house... happy birthday by the way, wanna beer?'.

I could have had a frustrating day today but I chose not too. I side stepped my usual/premeditated/and unconscious reactions to detatch and let life flow instead of holding on like a freaking dictator. And now I'm sobering up and I am going to go and be productive and shut the fuck up.

PS I was going to write some really amazing prose about parallel universe, i.e. how my day could have gone x 2 but it came to me when I was driving and the brilliant insight has now left the building. Memory loss, is that a survival instinct? My Dad informed me that it is scientifically proven that women who have given birth have lost part of their brain function. Thanks Dad, very reassuring!

Live for the moment

Every moment in the present is equally as important, and we should refrain from living as if some supposedly-less-significant points in time exist merely as thruways from one supposedly-more-consequential event to another. (This awareness should help, for instance, ease the frustration of sitting in traffic in your car. After all, the seats are comfy and the music's good.) I think his point is well taken. I always gain a lot when I can cease obsessively dwelling on my intended destination and take the time to enjoy the journey. The scenery is beautiful, and the pace more pleasant.

More wisdom from astrobarry

Slowly uncurling, quietly she whispers

Friendship brings great happiness with little gestures

baci wrapper wisdom, cafe latte, wine or two, girlfriend to cry, laugh, bitch and heal with. Love you bella! I'd have topped myself long ago if it weren't for my sisters...

Goodbye

Black Tuesday

I am having a shit-fucked fucking fuck of all fuck days...

Tried positive thinking early am, didn't work.

No one can rescue me from myself now.

Bring on the negativity, in one big tipper truck dump of shit/merde/crapola. I want to roll in it until I am as ugly and stinking as a rotting corpse.

This is possibly the best insult I have ever read and I would like to have the guts to use it sometime soon to someone who fucking deserves it. Along with some tyre slashing, and face spitting. Oh Aries moon you are a scary, scary battle-scarred gladiator when aroused.

Sit jou kop is die koei se kont en wag tot die bul jou kom holnaai
Put your head in a cow's vagina and wait until a bull penetrates your anus.

Today is a day that I am in the mood to burn the mother fucker of all bridges, with 100 mega tons of dynamite. So long arsehole!

I'm not scared of intimacy, I'M NOT!

Push by Sarah McLachlan

Every time I look at you the world just floats away
All my troubles all my fears dissolve in your affection
You've seen me at my weakest but you take me as I am
And when I fall you offer me a softer place to land
You stay the course you hold the line you keep it all together
You're the one true thing I know I can believe in
You're all the things that I desire you save me you complete me
You're the one true thing I know I can believe
I get mad so easy but you give me room to breathe
No matter what I say or do 'cause you're too good to fight about it
Even when I have to push just to see how far you'll go
You won't stoop down to battle but you never turn to go
You stay the course you hold the line you keep it all together
You're the one true thing I know I can believe in
You're all the things that I desire you save me you complete me
You're the one true thing I know I can believe
Love is just the antidote when nothing else can cure me
There are times I can't decide when I can't tell up from down
You make me feel less crazy when otherwise I'd drown
But you pick me up and brush me off and tell me I'm okay
Sometimes that's just what we need to get us through the day
You stay the course you hold the line you keep it all together
You're the one true thing I know I can believe in
You're all the things that I desire you save me you complete me
You're the one true thing I know I can believe.

Thanks Harry!

Cancer with Sagittarius Rising (read oxymoron)

Michael Lutin, once again spot on... Stop it you are weirding me out...

You're fabulous and giving everybody the impression that you've got it together. Underneath, however, you're definitely not sure right now who you are or where you're really going. To any observer who can look deeply, it's clear that you are not really as comfortable in any group situation as you seem, mainly because you feel that you may be floundering, yet again. Could you be craving an intimacy that has not eluded you as much as it is that you're scared of what true intimacy could do to your independence, an independence that is proving to be not as fulfilling as you once thought?

Evolved Cancers need a decent home and decent relationships with the family. And you know what a horrendous challenge that can be sometimes, especially when you are trying to plug up leaks and keep the roof from falling in, or when loved ones drive you up the wall with their freaky antics. So it's not surprising that you are trying to do doing everything possible to cover up a loneliness you feel sitting there in your living room, surrounded by all the things you have always thought you wanted. That's because you have a job to do out in the world. Get out of the house and go do it.

Ah yeah thanks...

New Moon in Leo

My second sweat for my new year began with the usual rush of energy and sickly anticipation. It was f**king cold standing outside the lodge on the rocky ground and I felt like jumping up and down with impatience, eager to enter as the shaman explained the basic rules and ritual of the sweat to some first timers. There was quite a crowd and we entered one by one, bending, kneeling and acknowledging the earth before crawling around the inside to our places, hip to hip. I waited to enter to place myself in the north east corner, east representing new beginnings, the north, courage to face fears and take the journey.

As the sweat progressed I turned my face and mind's eye to the east to visualise my journey. There was no ambiguity here as I have glimpsed this path thought the last moon cycle. As we reached the north I bowed my head to the waves of heat that were emanating from the centre of the earth. HOT! My ears felt like they were burning and my immediate thought was "I wish I had more hair." I stilled myself to receive as much insight as possible and did not join in the chanting, focusing on my breathing and entering a still, gentle meditative state. We left the north. I returned to my oak forest, leading my panting horse by the reins, walking softly on the forest floor in my leather boots. As we approached the west I entered a cave and the centre of the earth, the dark, deep womb of all creation, set in the heavens, in galaxies, everything spun around me from that point. I saw the universe as an infinite spiral, stretching out as far as I could fathom. I climbed the spiral slowly looking up, up, up towards billions of stars, reaching my hands up to receive my gift. From the darkness fell a big bag of money. I stopped arrested. Dropped my hands. Plonked down on my arse. Money? That's not spiritual, not exceptional. It landed softly in my lap, falling into the resting place that my drawn up legs contained. I looked down and laughed. Thankful, grateful for this gift. I realised my contempt for something precious - abundance and welcomed the blessing as a gift that would enable me to continue this journey. I said a quick prayer, thankful. Asking for the opportunity to use this abundance for the good of mankind and for it to be taken should I abuse it or neglect my responsibility to myself and those I love.

As we left the west and travelled into the east I walked out the cave into the bright light. As my eyes adjusted I whistled softly to my horse and strapped the full bag of money over the saddle. I mused to myself, wondering where the source of this fortune could have come from. As I travelled along the sun dappled path I realised the abundance of my life. The food that sustains my body, the air that keeps me alive, the love that nurtures me within and the creativity that I can freely express in my work, my family. The joy of relating and friendship and I stopped there to whisper thanks to those that are together with me and far away. For the opportunity to connect, even for a short time, to love, to feel, to let go. I felt alive and free and as merry as if I had consumed a whole bottle of red wine and a big chocolate cake.

I crawled out though the doorway into the cold night, breathing in the clean air, less biting, beautifully refreshing. Standing in the vineyard, I thought to myself "Dionysus would be looking down with delight at the beautiful glowing white bodies of earth angels and nymphs woven through the ordered rows of twisted grapevines."

Lonely (free or not) heart are you still beating?

OK so I convinced myself
that being alone would be preferable
to living a life of shared compromises

But there was a trade off
one ache
for another

The pain of emptiness
threatens to engulf me
a big wave of loneliness

I drive
long
cold
vacant roads
hoping to somehow outrun this feeling
or reach a destination that serves
a big schooner of fulfillment and happiness
where it's warm
and I can rest my weary heart for a while

My independence
I'd trade it today for a
spontaneous
passionate
warm embrace

I'd shackle myself to love
and beg to be it's slave
I would be love's whore
looking in all the wrong places
selling myself for a price that
anyone could afford

I knew there would be days like this
I wish they weren't so god-awful

So I stop running
stop looking
let the wave hit
wash over me
suck the breath of life from my body

Then it's gone
I'm alone
staring at sea and sky
where Venus falls into the silvery bowl of the crescent moon
that rests on the pale pink horizon

I pick up my split personality
drive home to a warm hearth
and family that needs me
even If I don't know
whether I'm capable of being there for them

Yang Chick

Me me me! it's all about me and here is me brought to you by the sun, moon and stars above. Get yours

b. July 3 1975 2:45 PM Time Zone is ACST Willunga, AUSTL
Rising Sign is in 05 Degrees Sagittarius You are known for being open, frank, outgoing and honest. At times, though, you are also blunt and quite indiscreet. Others have to learn not to take everything you say personally, because you usually do not mean any harm. You appreciate living your life in a straightforward and simple manner -- you dislike social niceties and consider them to be hindrances to real communication. You have lots and lots of energy and tend to become quite restless if you feel confined. You demand the freedom to do as you choose -- you must be self- directed or you feel trapped and anxious. With your abundant energy, you enjoy being outdoors, and you should be attracted to physical exercise or to those forms of sport which can help you burn off some of that excess energy. Very gregarious, you love to socialize -- your innate enthusiasm livens up any gathering.
Sun is in 10 Degrees Cancer Very emotional and sensitive, you have an intuitive understanding of the "vibes" around you. You tend to be quite generous, giving, loving and caring, but only when your own needs for emotional support, love and security have been met. If they are not met, you tend to withdraw into yourself and become very insecure and selfish. Your home and family (especially your mother or the person who played that role for you early on) represent security for you and thus assume a larger-than-life importance. Very sentimental, you have vivid and long- enduring memories of the past. No matter how well adjusted you are, you will always need a secret quiet place of your own in order to feel at peace. Feeding others can give you great pleasure you would enjoy being part of a large family.
Moon is in 27 Degrees Aries High-spirited and courageous, you are a fighter when your emotions are aroused. The degree of force and drive that you can bring to any effort sometimes surprises others. You have hair-trigger reactions to specific stimuli and tend to "let it all hang out." You sometimes act before you think and do things on the spur of the moment, and that sometimes gets you into trouble. Your moods change quickly -- you have quite a temper, but you don't hold grudges. Very independent, with an extremely strong and forceful personality, you are known for being impulsive, careless, reckless, foolhardy, rash and daring. Mercury is in 19 Degrees Gemini Your mind is active, quick and agile. You are very restless and you get bored easily. Unless you receive constant mental stimulation, you become extremely nervous and begin to act in an unstable manner. You are probably a good student because of your natural inquisitiveness. You also love to travel. Your learning tends to be superficial, though, because you have a relatively short attention span. Try to develop the mental discipline to finish what you start. Also, you tend to talk on at times seemingly just to fill space -- make sure that your conversation has some substance to it or others will start avoiding you. Venus is in 25 Degrees Leo You have a striking, regal appearance and demeanor that attracts others to you. Your friendship is highly sought and you tend to take friendships quite seriously -- you remain loyal and true to those to whom you are attached. For you, love is mixed with pride and respect. Relationships are over when you lose respect for your partner. Be careful of a tendency to relate only to those who make you look good -- the powerful, important and influential. This can lead to arrogance and selfishness, and neither of these qualities becomes you.
Mars is in 01 Degrees Taurus Careful, slow and thorough about all that you do, at times you are also willful and stubborn when others try to alter your course. You are definitely not a quitter -- you will work long and hard to get what you want. Your possessions are very important to you. One of your continuing problems is that you tend to regard the significant people in your life much the same way as you do your possessions -- you become overly attached and much too jealous. You repress your anger when you get upset and that is not healthy. Try to learn to show your anger immediately in order to avoid painful explosions later.
Jupiter is in 21 Degrees Aries The way that you grow and develop is by being an uncompromising individualist. You have a great need to be yourself and to explore your latent talents and abilities. Do not be afraid to let yourself go and develop self-confidence and pride in your accomplishments. But try not to become so self-centered that you ignore the needs of others. Also, you may have to build up your self-discipline in order to focus your energies properly.
Saturn is in 20 Degrees Cancer The most important issue for you is emotional security. You have a deep and gnawing fear that those on whom you depend for emotional support will prove to be unreliable in the long run. When you are unloved and insecure, you distrust others and tend to feel isolated and lonely. Very cool, detached and objective, you can be counted on -- in situations that are inherently stressful or full of tension -- not to lose your self- control. That is a great and welcome gift at such times.
Uranus is in 28 Degrees Libra You, as well as your entire peer group, have a very free, unstable and unconventional approach to relationships and emotional commitments. You will be attracted to experiments in marriage and shared lifestyles. Personal freedom is more important to you than entangling emotional bonds. In the realm of art and aesthetics, you are attracted to the bizarre, shocking and unusual.
Neptune is in 09 Degrees Sagittarius You, and your entire generation, are heavily involved in investigating and idealizing foreign and exotic intellectual systems and religious philosophies. The most extreme ideals will be pursued with gusto. You will be at the forefront of humanitarian attempts to improve the lot of those who are in need of assistance. You will be comfortable with the concept of the "global village."
Pluto is in 06 Degrees Libra For your entire generation, this is a time of radical changes in society's attitude toward marriage and interpersonal relationships. There is a general fear and awe at the power inherent in making emotional or contractual commitments -- they will not be entered into lightly.
North Node is in 00 Degrees Sagittarius You will probably have many different contacts and acquaintances throughout your life. You're quite gregarious by nature and your natural curiosity about others lets you take the lead in forming new relationships. You'll form close ties with those who have similarly idealistic ideas -- especially those who can stimulate you intellectually in your chosen field of interest. Your enthusiasm for learning new things may also cause you to do quite a bit of traveling. Because you probably will have many wide-ranging interests and concerns, you most likely will have contacts and connections in various parts of the country (or world).

Neo Moon

Reviewing...

Bomb blasts in London

"Thank god we can trust your instincts. I am fine as is everyone I know." - Shane of London how I miss you, love always to you.

Birth

Congratulations to the beautiful princess Rebecca and her prince James.
Welcome to the world Cooper! We'll do our best to make the world a place of beauty and peace for you.

"Jeez I love babies!!!" - Rick your enthusiasm is refreshing, what pills are you taking? Let me know love.

Separations and Sadness

"From time to time a bit of soppiness is good for the soul, like choccies, good wine, laughing, crying and occasionally telling someone to get stuffed!!" - Mary miss Mair love you very much. You opened your door and your heart to me all those years ago when there was no room at the inn. I will never forget your kindness and to me a stranger! Can't wait to see you in October. Please don't forget in those sad moments that there are people that truly love you for who you are. You are a blessing to many.

"I have been talking quite intensely with my friend Holly about this issue as well and she believes that to feel these emotions; the sky-topping highs and the subterranean lows are all part of the honour of being a human in this time and place. She would always take this option no matter how hard and joyous it is over being a sparrow or some other mindless, instinct driven animal. No matter how easy it may be to be that animal, she feels that we have a duty to explore and experience every aspect of humanness. I think you would get on really well with her...I have learnt a few things from it and think I am again developing some new skills and a more mature way of looking at the world. As I said to Kate Walkley yesterday, if I have too many more break ups, I will be wiser than the Dali Fucking Lama…lol." - Martin oh one of heart crushed wisdom. I will always be madly in love with you! Bring your ship to my port sometime - ok yeah not for sex darl, how about food, wine and tarot?

Good friends are like a well fitting bra they are comfortable yet make you look and feel fabulous

"So now I've planted a seed in your mind. It may or may not germinate but I like the way your mind thinks and nurtures the seeds anyway." - thanks Cherie, beautiful angel!

"I would like to say that I will always be there for the emotional cancer beauty. You have the ultimate energy to give and receive. I dont know how you will do it all. You will have to wait for the moon for this one." - thank you James the adventurous artiste! my heart travels with you beloved one.

And beautiful romance blossoms

"I love being totally entwined with someone to be a part of her soul and empty when not wrapped around her." - David the divine angel, joy and happiness suits you.



It's the dark moon now. New moon in the constellation of Leo, harnessing your passion and being grateful for the blessings in your life. The time to plant the seed for the next part of my journey.

Phases of the moon

By StarIQ

New Moon in Leo Thursday, August 4, 8:05 pm PDT
Retrograde Mercury and an opposition from Neptune make this an especially imaginative Leo New Moon. A flood of fresh ideas and creative insights carry thoughts far beyond the bounds of reason. Bringing them down to earth is a delicate task, like capturing a wild bird without killing its spirit. Some must fly free to keep our minds open to further inspiration, so avoid subjecting every word to the dampening effects of logic or analysis.

Full Moon in Aquarius Friday, August 19, 10:54 am PDT
The Sun in Leo of individual expression faces the Moon in Aquarius of collective needs. The self is warm, the group is cool; one engages the heart, the other the mind. To draw closer or to pull back is the question, and the answer is that both have value.

Take distance when you're overheated with emotion and move in when you're frozen out by intellect. Learning to move between the two is the lesson of this lunation.

Neptune opposite the moon (Cancerian dreaming)

Tarot reading

For a work/live studio by the sea

The Three Fates spread is an exceptionally popular way to gain insight into the emerging arc of the past, present, and future.

The left card represents an important element of the past. Seven of Pentacles (Assessment): A pause to check on the progress of your labors. Making difficult financial decisions. Exercising patience and perseverance. Evaluating the status of your work and your options for the future.

The middle card represents a deciding element of the present. Strength: Raw power. Health and physical fortitude. A surge of tremendous force. Recovery from sickness. Victory after apprehension and fear. The ability to face and overcome opposition brings the inner qualities of strength and forbearance. Delays and setbacks will be overcome.

The right card represents a critical element of the future. Wheel of Fortune: The path of destiny. Karma on a grand scale. An unexpected turn of good fortune. A link in the chain of events. Success, luck, and happiness.

The Two Paths spread provides insight into an important decision ahead of you, the possible outcomes, and the forces that draw you towards each of these outcomes.

The top left card represents the first possible outcome. King of Wands: The essence of fire behaving as air, such as lightning: A great and daring leader who inspires others to rise to challenges alongside him. An artist who can take hold of an idea and make it a reality through bold action. One who is forceful, charismatic, and honest, leading by example, but unafraid to invest authority in others. A dashing and magnetic personality, carrying authority naturally, and striking at the world with swiftness and grace.

The top right card represents the second possible outcome. Ace of Pentacles: The seed of prosperity and material gain - perhaps as yet unseen. A new foundation from which to turn your dreams into reality. The need to focus on the practical and understand the dynamics of the natural world. May represent a gift, document, inheritance, or an unexpected opportunity for physical achievement.

The middle left card represents the force drawing you towards the first possible outcome. The Empress: The essence of femininity and matriarchy. Creativity, productivity, and the foundation of civilization. Initiative and practical actions that promote prosperity, comfort and luxury. Fruitfulness and motherhood.

The middle right card represents the force drawing you towards the second possible outcome. Three of Pentacles (Works): The commencement of business, commercial transactions, or employment. The constructive use of creative talents, and the expression of artistry in workmanship. Skill and labor turned to the crafting of things of value. Using the conventional as a medium for expressing the exceptional, in order to build something of great renown and glory.

The bottom card represents the critical factor that decides what will come to pass. The Moon: Cyclic transformation covering the mysterious forces of the night. Feminine beauty and the intoxicating vitality of youth. The metamorphosis from beauty to beast and vice versa. Occult forces, sensitivities and intense dreams. Dangerous situations and perilous times.

The Fourfold Vision spread offers a progression of different ways of looking at an object, person, or situation. It is a powerful tool for gaining deeper insight into the specific subjects of other readings.

The card on the far right represents the object being viewed, be it an idea, relationship, or the self. The Hermit: Withdrawal from events and relationship to introspect and gather strength. Seeking the inner voice or calling upon vision from within. A need of understanding and advice, or a wise man who will offer knowing guidance. Personal experience and thoughtful temperance.

The card second from the right represents the physical vision: how the object is seen at a base or mechanical level. Three of Wands (Virtue): Personal fortitude and strength of character. Accumulated power set in motion towards a distant goal. The initiation of an enduring partnership based on absolute trust. Honor maintained in a time of desperate struggle. Taking full responsibility for a decision, and bearing the solitude of leadership.

The card in the middle represents the mental vision: the object personified and seen through a humanized perspective. Ten of Pentacles (Wealth): Completion of material prosperity and riches. Freedom from financial anxiety, the security of home, and the enjoyment of family. The passing of inheritance along to children, or the gaining of inheritance from parents.

The card second from the left represents the emotional vision: how passions and values are creatively stimulated by the mental vision. Four of Swords (Truce): A time of tranquility and intellectual repose in the midst of a great struggle. A temporary retreat from stress to regather inner strength, reaffirm convictions, reorganize thoughts, and formulate a new plan. The need for vigilance in a moment of calm. May suggest a withdrawal from the material world to find spiritual guidance.

The card on the far left represents the fourfold or mystical vision: still viewing through the previous three, we now add a spiritual element, revealing unseen aspects of the object. The High Priestess: A pure, exalted and gracious influence. Education, knowledge, wisdom, and esoteric teachings. The forces of nature. Intuition, foresight, and spiritual revelation of the most mysterious and arcane sort.

Letter in a bottle

Sometimes sending an email feels like throwing your letter-in-a-bottle into the deep blue...

I have been holding you, your eyes, your energy close in my heart. I am going through some big changes here. It is scary and exhilarating. My little heart is bobbing on the wild ocean, thrown from one wave to the next. I know this emotionally choppy water usually indicates that there is a split in my life that needs to be bridged and I am trying to creatively allow this to manifest with as little destruction to my significant relationships as possible. I feel myself moving away often and it scares me because my family is so important to me and their wellbeing is a consciously important priority for me. But I am a person in my own right and need to feel my sense of self and purpose clearly too. Even though the mind/body duality is well published I think the mind/heart one is so complex. My head is buzzing with rational thought, telling me "stop being a bloody sentimental fool. You hold on too tight, let it go, jump and let your wings unfurl and take you where you need to go." My heart is sobbing, inconsolable, lonely, wanting to love and be loved and feel completely wrapped up in that. Scared of getting hurt, curled up and hiding. Oh man the pull is tiring.

I am missing you and could do with someone to hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok. Little lost girl day. The irony is that I need to stand on my own two feet at this time and the isolation, the independence, and the distance from what feels comfortable is my path. So it is probably good that there is no safe welcoming arms to fall into.

I think a solution is just around the corner and as I approach my next new moon I will be taking the seed of this idea in to plant for the next month. For now I'm focusing on work because I feel that a solution will present itself soon and I need to have the cash flow to walk thought that door. I know this is just a test and I will do just fine but I am human and a sensitive one at that.

Commitments

Commitments: can you really have a relationship with a person or a career and have your own life too? Michael Lutin - how do you always know what I'm thinking?

RELATIONSHIPS

COMMITMENTS

in personal life or career are total
you either
do something with your whole heart and soul
or you don't
lots of people
have huge dreads and fears
of being trapped, caught, stifled and strangled
by another person, a job, a boss, kids,
or whatever begins to demand
an intimate and wholehearted connection
Many individuals are frightened of this
they all have very valid reasons
some near death experience in their lives
has made them terrified of being in a safe, enclosed space.
They jump from relationship to relationship
job to job
place to place
telling themselves they are bored
when in reality
they begin to feel choked
and have to run
other people seem to be able to stick to either another individual
or a career path
or their kids
and not feel they are being encroached upon
or even killed
everyone has a different astrological constellation
that reflects their childhood
and the events that shaped them
right now with the north node in Aries
the subject has come up again
how can you be connected to a mate
or allow yourself to be fully engaged in a career path
and manage to find happiness and fulfillment in your own right
in your own separate life
without feeling you have to give up your freedom
or your independence
or your autonomy
or your personal integrity?

1) You have to be able to stick through moments when you feel 'I've got to get out of here'.
2) You've got to be able to be grown up enough to know that once you've given an oath or a word or signed a contract, you OWE the other person or the job, an honest attempt to live up to whatever you have promsied to do.

Therefore
SET UP THE RELATIONSHIP FROM THE BEGINNING
NOTICE THE DYNAMICS
UNDERSTAND THAT IT IS ALWAYS GOING TO BE A BATTLE BETWEEN
DOMINANCE AND SUBMISSION