Yum!

Into every life a little rain must fall

It's a rainy, moody Cancerian day. In my nest, cooking biscotti, working the dough until it clings to every edge of my fingers. The smell of chocolate and flour and almonds... I can sense my internal frown working it's way outward to my brow. No amount of pummeling this dough will ease my inner turmoil. I feel so overwhelmed with conflicting emotion. I love my kids, my partner... yet I'm so troubled by this desire to escape, find myself, something or someone whom I have been looking for all my life. I get a glimmer of satisfaction, feel settled, like my life has purpose and then all of a sudden one day something happens, significant, insignificant and I don't know who I am anymore, and I'm back to searching again... Will I be like this the rest of my life, a wandering spirit? pulled between my love for my family and my desire to go and find something, be something... I just need to bleed. Please god let me bleed...

and make the sun shine again...

Mysterious Skin

Mysterious Skin is definitely a film I would recommend, although it's not for the faint hearted. It was extremely confronting and disturbing in many regards. The lovely sensitive Cancerian man who was watching the film with me broke down at the end and in many ways I wish I had the nerve to do that in public, because it did warrant a flood of tears. The man behind us grunted that he was going to find a beer and just disappeared out the cinema, leaving his companions. Very sad. If anything it highlighted the massive responsibility in raising children, their emotional, physical and mental health later in life depends so much on adequate love and care during every second that they are developing as children, through adolescence and finally emerging into adulthood.

In the frontline was pedophilia, and it is hard to look beyond that and the other brutal forms of abuse depicted in the film, but the apathy of a parent who is not physically or emotionally present during time with their child is just as abusive and in many ways the physical abuse of Brian is not the only thing that traumatises him. His relationship with his mother is a close one, she instinctively understands his needs and is sympathetic to them. His father is passive aggressive, eventually leaving the family and shows surprise and resignation when his son finally confronts him with his anger and wanting to know 'what happened to him' to make him the way he is. His father has no bloody idea, and it seems that he doesn't care or doesn't know how to deal with parenthood and actually being emotionally available for his son. His background, the parts of his personality that make him unable to be there as a father, a good male role model, comfortable in his masculinity, yet sensitive to the needs of his children, are not given any film time, but I feel that is a massive problem in society and why, in many cases, more violent and extreme cases of abuse happen.

Neil's father is totally absent, with no explanation given, except from comments made by his mother "You are mine and I love you, don't you ever forget that!" Her frequent sexual liaisons with men that don't develop into long term relationships or friendships expose Neil to explicit sexuality without love and stability from a very early age. His path into his life as a teenage hustler is set and feels natural to him, until the demons start screaming his name and he sees his decline toward a hell he can't even imagine. Finding an uneasy, spiritual awakening with his connection with a man dying from AIDS in a room overwhelmed with (a copy?) of Vermeer's Girl With A Pearl Earring. The concern of his mother, his best friends warnings (she describes him as a person with a black hole where his heart should be) fall on deaf ears until circumstances force him to wake up and confront his past in a totally different way to Brian.

I think also discussing your childhood, learning to confront and deal with the past and make a new start where you become aware of your past and learn the lessons that pain and trauma has brought you and keep your heart open and free despite the conditioning. I don't know. It's a scary world. It's frightening how abuse perpetuates abuse and people lose hope of finding redemption... This year my best friend's brother committed suicide, his childhood of abuse, his guilt and isolation around his sexuality was something that just became too much to deal with. Who knows what he was thinking, he was a beautiful, interesting, creative, sensitive young man, almost 28. Even I could relate to many aspects of this film, not only as a parent, but as a little girl suffering abuse at the hands of someone my parents trusted. The repercussions of that I still have to deal with. We all do. Everyone has their skeletons, I think one must never forget that. Sometimes it is easy to see the bigger picture, understand how this impacts and it's significance, other times the utter hopelessness of loss of innocence, betrayal and anger is something that threatens to swamp the boat.

I think I will be thinking about this for a long time, maybe the rest of my life.

Venus in Scorpio

Philip Sedgwick is an astrologer who specialises in black holes. I am fairly sure it was him who put it about that President Bush has his Mars in a black hole...Anyway, he has this to say "As this week begins, Venus straddles a potent black hole in Libra asking, “So, is a relationship (or life situation) that fails to give you what you want worth it?” She knows the answer and she won’t stick around to hear it. She sashays off to slip into something intense, like Scorpio. If you like intensity that runs free of the impossible traps of jealousy, possessiveness, territoriality and control issues, you’ll be blissed out by unlimited surges of passion, sensual pleasures and most idealistically, an evolved state of ecstasy. Does ecstasy bring evolution or does evolution bring ecstasy? “Oh yeah,” Venus reminds us all, “If you’re in situations that can’t do it for you, expect that the upside leans toward lower realms.” Then, she smiles and advises, “You know what you really crave. Go get it.” Hmm." More Philip here

Thanks Mystic I knew there was some venus/scorp thang going down when I pick up a reprinted 1970's essay 'Fetish' for casual bedside reading. Hang onto your whips and rubber - yahoo!

Well behaved women seldom make history.

Top 10 Fantasy Occupations

1 Fireman - 'Oh help me, help me, big strong fireman in your flame-retardant suit with your long hose, that strong, sculpted body striding with purpose on your rescue mission. Look into my big, brown vulnerable eyes and sweep me off my feet because suddenly my knees are weak. Rescue me 'cause I AM ON FIRE BABY!' yum oh yummy yum yum.

2 Humanities Teacher - Smart, sexy, feminine, gliding the floor, writing words on the blackboard to emphasise your point; 'The human race is powered by DESIRE, what compels us to ACHIEVE, to GAIN, to HAVE is LUST and an innate instinct to POSSESS...' Your demure clothing hides underwear that slides silkily over your erogenous zones as you walk and you smile your secret smile as 15 year old boys hide their erections under a textbook. yummmmmm

3 DJ - You stand alone, in a sea of souls, spinning your web of euphoria, your spiral of throbbing climaxes, pulsating beats and undulating grooves. You command the room and the crowd, bringing to the edge, teasing, pushing, driving onward to exploding orgasm. Everybody wants to FUCK THE DJ! I did and then I married him and had his babies LOL.

4 Artist/Poet - The vulnerability and sensitivity of your soul is brought out from deep, dark, hidden depths into your work. You exude creativity and everything about life is seen through keenly observant eyes and expressed in a tangible, yet poetic form. Your beauty is beguiling, enchanting, heart-explodingly passionate. The passion of life is expressed in every moment you exist. Beautiful words, beautiful images are infinitely arousing.

5 Billionaire - MONEY talks, money makes me WETTTTT because it buys the kind of misery that I adore. Fast cars, designer clothing, 5 star food, yachts, the Mediterranean Sea...

6 Waitress - Cute, sassy, enigmatic, flirty, sliding between tables, catching an eye, turning, finding, coming to attend to the details of dining, bringing sumptuous tastes and flavour, stimulating appetite for other things...

7 Doctor - Anyone who studies anatomy for 5 years has gotta know what's going on with bodies. Check out a doctor's hands. Better still feel them all over your body. There is a God...

8 Archeologist/Explorer - You know the dark mysteries of nature, Your conversation is full of endlessly fascinating topics, theories, unsolved riddles. There is an exotic scent wafting from you that envelopes and lingers, of far-off places, desert dust, deep, cave cool, musky, tropical sweat... Delicious.

9 Dancer - Your grace and sinuous movement is transported through life. You walk into a room like you were walking onto a stage. Your clothing and jewels hang from your body with the ephemeral enchantment of a spider web covered in raindrops. You're beautiful, you're delicate and you are way out-of-reach and that is sooooo tempting.

10 Cowgirl - You know how to ride, you can drink with the best of them and you work damn hard. Under that tough image there is a little princess just waiting to be discovered. You are so beautiful even when you are covered in mud and cowshit. Here let me help you out of those dirty clothes and into a warm, rose-scented bath...

The big O

by Ruth Ostrow

There are not just sexual orgasms but many things that make us explode in euphoria.
Things that make our hearts pump, flush our systems with oxygen and fresh blood, unblock stagnant energy and keep us thriving.
Gourm-gasms of the tongue when we taste something gourmet that makes our tastebuds climax.
Ear-gasms on hearing exquisite music.
Eye-gasms on seeing beauty.
Laugh-gasms, itch-gasms.
Dance-gasms, as our bodies move in erotic exotic rhythm with our heartbeat.
We should never deny ourselves orgasms of any kind.
Ever.

Avarice may be considered one of the Seven Deadly Sins, but I see hunger and appetite as a display of exuberance and sensuality.
A metaphor for being a lover of life, for joie de vivre.
For grasping life with both hands.
It's the laughing Buddha,
big-bellied, big-hearted.

appetite connotes ripeness, richness,
voluptuousness and fecundity.
My most self-indulgent friends are always the most generous and joyous of souls, spilling over with abundance.

Sex in a white coat?

Venus is in Scorpio.

"A sexy mind is one of the most under-valued of all erotic tools. I don't call my inner world filthy. I call it glorious." Dr Marta Frid, psychologist.

Stream of consciousness, sex sex sex. Thank god! I thought I'd left my libido at the supermarket.

And I picked up some gynae speak today as I consulted my ob/gyn doctor re: having my tubes clipped to stop those fertile little eggses! While having a (thoughtfully) warmed steel speculum stuck up my most privates, I meet a lovely young American intern from San Francisco who oohed and ahhed over my entire sexual, fertility, personal, physical history and the state of my cervix in all it's healthy, young, fertile post partum glory. How fantastic for him.

Weird to indulge in such private conversation with a total stranger and a man at that. He was very interested! I like men that are interested in women's business. He got off on the right foot with me, just as I was going to tell him to get lost and send in my doctor, he said that I could tell him to get lost if I wanted to. Am I that easy to read? He a nerdy, nervous sort and clearly uncomfortable at his placement in Women's Health. Oh what fun! I do feel a little fond and motherly toward passive men. I think as far as the doctor/patient fantasy goes, I want to be the doctor. Control Freak strikes again...

Dr Kate Sex(y) Therapist.

Current Obsession

Hokuto is a foxy babe! The following is from a fansite, twas itching to edit it tho, - control freak! Ho I know another yummy mint green eyed, black haired aqua girl! You know who baby :-*

romanized full name Sumeragi Hokuto (Hokuto Sumeragi)

meaning 'Hokuto' in japanese means 'north star' and 'Sumeragi' means 'emperor'

age 16 in 1991 (born in 1975)

zodiac acuarius (20 january~19 february)

eyes mint green

hair black

siblings she has a twin (Sumaru Sumeragi, main character of Tokyo Babylon) and a grandmother, but there is no data a bout her (their) parents.

birthplace Tokyo, Japan

Hokuto is such a fashion victim, follower of worldwide tendendes, and she loves it. She always want to be pretty and surprising, and she does it: she has a witty conversation (she talks a lot), liks jokes and knows about the latest life & world's topics, as millenarism or astrology (don't forget what's Tokyo Babylon context).
Instead her look she thinks more than it could seem. She is owner of some magic powers and can do a few spells (using her lipstick, like in SMILE annex) although nothing compared to her brother's habilities. Out of it, she practices martial arts (or something similar because I couldn't discover which) and has great psysical attitudes. A curious thing is she wants to beacome a housewife. She's often cooking for Subaru and Seishiro, and it seems she's pretty good at (at least Seishiro flatteres her constantly). Hokuto is very affectionate with Subaru and she worry about him instead she anjoys embarrassing him and she imposes herself to look after her forgetful twin.

Salt

Two days after my carpets were cleaned I was hit blindside by a hideous virus. One afternoon days later as I was having a nap, I heard this little voice... MR curious (almost 3) wanting to know if I could put his nappy back on. I opened my foggy eyes and stared in sleepy abstraction at this little kid with a tshirt on holding up his nappy. HUh?! He had decided to use the potty. Hooray! the child is showing positive signs to toilet train. Then I came out to the lounge room and there were little 'puddles' over the carpet. ARGH!!! (silent because I didn't want to discourage the little devil and set back toilet training till highschool).

Then about 10 minutes later, after sponging ineffectually at the carpet, I discovered the salt dish. The dish of flaky seasalt usually sits on the table but was on the floor? Soggy. OK that one sent me over the edge. Poor kid. But honestly how weird is it to climb up to the table to get the salt dish to pee in? My family's freaky behaviour. I think he has a salt thing because when I was eating my breakfast with him the other day, I left my cereal for about 5 minutes to do something, change Faith or something and when I came back and shovelled a mouthful in it was so salty I spat it back into the bowl. Mr Naughty curious devil child had emptied the salt dish into my cereal bowl. Ha bloody ha. He was killing himself trying to contain erruptions of laughter.

Spring at Willow

The willow tree, symbol of moon cycles and water, emotional healing, intuition and divine feminine spirit. Our willow tree is bursting with bud. To the Chinese the willow is the symbol of spring. According to Chinese mythology, little wood rabbits like me are lucky in spring. Today is probably the first really, warm day and the sunshine is delicious. James brought me a little cocoon of a flower slowly turning inside out, where the seam is bursting, blossom erupts out. As these flowers wither, their pale yellow darkens, browns and falls like dried animal droppings, the tree shoots leaf after leaf after leaf until it becomes a shady pavilion, an upside-down, green flokati rug.

The willow is to the north-west of the house and over summer it mercifully shelters the tiny (paper insulated) cottage. As the long days of autumn stretch out and the nights become cooler the leaves begin to turn golden and fall en masse to cover the driveway, the lawn, the gutters. The golden branches drop and turn brown and the silent sentenial of the seasons remains dormant over the chilly winter, allowing in the fleeting, feeble sunshine at moments when you just can't live through another grey, cold day.

Willow is a place of trees, the everlasting strength and fortitude of the pine bordering the long, curving driveway. Sheltering us from the north-east and offering some privacy from our closest neighbour. This time of the year the trees sheltering the eastern corner all take it in turns providing us with a show of blossom, snow white, pale cream, soft pinks. The apple blossom is starting to burst along with the willow. I love the apple tree, the smooth, low branches remind me of hours spent tree climbing as a little girl. The cool, solid feel of living wood along my body as I lay, head turned to look as far as I could, almost to the sea. All it will take is a good day or two of warm wind and the plum will be bare of it's white, snowy canopy.

It is very peaceful to be surrounded by the energy of trees.