Sizzle

The sun tears at the shade, sucking the moisture from every surface it shimmers off. Heat waves scorch the hills, wind tears up the dust and moves through the stoic gum tress in a lumbering, listing swagger. The country fire services broadcasts bushfires on the hour, updating with increasing urgency, warning of danger, carefully outlining safety precautions, life and death is a second apart, an exhalation of the breath, a blink of an eye. The elements rule and man scuttles indoors to hide in the artificial cool of chugging airconditioners, ice clinking in drinks, arm wiping sweaty brow. Then as the sun recedes lower to the horizon, it's intensity shuttered by the outline of unbending earth, people emerge, blinking like moles from their dark recesses to drive in droves to the beach. Tiptoeing gingerly along scorching sand, then jogging the last unbearable lengths to the cool, damp compacted tidal edge, slipping off t-shirts, crumpled shorts and splashing with relief into the cool, salty water. The steady crash of waves, mingle with the laughter of children and the rattle of the radio updating bushfire news and the cricket scores. Adults complain about the heat, forgetting that three months ago they were complaining about the cold. Beer is slipped from it's frozen crib, the esky, and slides down the throats of these Australians living in the driest state in the driest continent. This is summer in South Australia.

Ishtar

Ishtar represents the fullness of womanhood and dares us to dream. Her power is strongest at the full moon, when the essence of womanhood heightens in response to the moon energy that is all-encompassing.

By honouring the Feminine Divine, we reconnect with our inner goddess. We empower ourselves spiritually, psychologically, emotionally and physically so our true selves are set free.

Earth goddess

It's been a full week and at it's end, the summer rain falls gently. The air is filled with the smell of wet, dry grass. I've been gardening and my hands are dried out, blistered and sore. It is good to garden, to be with the earth. I'm coated with a fine film of dirt and dust, blending to a dark brown with my summer tan. I have a patch of sunny sunflowers that are standing proud and tall, beaming with golden solar panel smiles.

The man about the house is checking the gutters so that we catch every drop of water that falls to fill up our tank. Once our tank runs dry, we have no water. Each summer we have been here we have seen the bottom of the tank. Our summers are hot and long and lingeringly delicious but very dry. The earth gets so hard. I tried sticking my fork into some dried dirt to extract the weed, it was like rock, they surely sucked out every ounce of water with their tentacled roots.

I am enjoying being in my body, feeling it's aches from a new yoga class, my sore hands, my dusty feet.

Building sand castles by the sea

CANCER for the week 9.1 - 16.1

It's a miracle the way you are able to rebuild and rebuild and rebuild no matter how many times your sand castle gets knocked down by a bully or washed away in a tide. Just think about how you have been able to recreate your life over the last five years. It's truly amazing. To look at you and your home, with the pictures on the walls and everything in place, one would never imagine the upheaval you went through. So it's not necessary to freak out over what may happen. You've already proved your capacity to deal with change. www.michaellutin.com

Seven states of happiness

1. Waking up with my little princess daughter in my bed smiling a smile that reaches from one end of the rainbow to the other and patting my face goodmorning.

2. Hot shower, so grateful for clean hot water :)

3. Driving fast in the early morning sunshine, through my favourite stretch of winding road, with the Studio 54 soundtrack up full blast.

2. Being surrounded by food glorious food!

3. Tasting my first coffee for the morning.

4. Seeing my most beautiful sister walk through the door just when I was about to go home and miss out seeing her.

5. Driving the winding country roads home, paddocks and vines glowing magically in the red and gold sunset.

6. Eating a hard boiled free range egg made by my happy chickens.

7. Smelling fresh air and picking lemon thyme for the vase on the window sill.

Shadow

One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light,
but by making the darkness conscious. C. G. JUNG

Bleeding heart

Such a confused child inside. I can't remember being an actual child, I have a lost childhood. I was a dreamer. I spent a lot of time somewhere else, not on earth. A 'fairy-dweller' my english teacher called me. Was it my nature or a way to escape the confusion of childhood sexual abuse. I went back to that house today. It looks shabby and worn. The lantana bush was the same, trimmed into a neat ball. I don't know what it was about that lantana bush, but it made me cry. The tap of the keys as words flow out through her fingers, directed by her mind, which throbs in a confusion of shifting spaces, time and thought. Burying her face in her hands for a moment she rubs her throbbing temple and sighs a deep sigh.

So now I suffer, still in silence when I want to scream. FUCK YOU! YOU FUCKING BASTARD. I want to tell my parents how much I hurt because they were so blind to the truth, how they failed to protect me from harm. How a few weeks in therapy with strangers before it is all shoved under the carpet and we pretend to be a happy family again is bullshit! I have nightmares about being dead, lying naked on a white bed, sheets soaked in my own red, red, red, copious blood oh so much blood. Bleeding out of me, my life, my blood leaving, life leaving, leaving this life behind. Leaving my children without a mother, leaving for an uncharted ocean of the wounded soul.

Pulling the blanket around her shoulders she pauses, she longs for arms, warm arms but she is alone. The loneliness is less when she is alone because no one can reach where she has gone to pull her back. She tried for a minute, imploring him to let her stay with him, but he had other things, other plans. 'Will you be alright' he asked. 'Yes I'll be fine', she lied, smiled bravely as the blood dripped down over her eyes like shutters, pumping out the slashed valves of a self destructive internal turmoil.

Oh I have been brought up so well. When to smile, when to lie with my brave meaningless words and lower my eyes to hide the truth in their deep, dark, emotional depths because no one wants to see the pain reflecting in the bottom of the pool.

If only i could say, No I'm not alright, and I want to die.

My whole life is a lie. One big fucking lie.

Don't cry over spilt milk. Can't be starting something, even though it's started. Endings are beginnings and starting is beginning an ending. Will I ever understand. Why? Why me? She looks around for a box to shove the pain in. At least no one wants to take that away.

Maybe it's the only thing left that keeps her alive.

Energy in motion (emotion)

Uranus in Pisces is drawing toward the moon and that means, water is unpredicable (anything in Pisces in your chart gets hammered). I have Vestra in Pisces and that means sexxxx.

I've been reading up on courtesans in history and they all have dramatic lives that end in tragedy, many have the moon in Pisces strangely enough. Many have died of consumption, by firing squad, drowned as witches, or just alone and depraved once their beauty has gone. Some have fallen in love, denounced their profession only to be deserted by the object of their affections and left to destitution and misery. All of them used their charm and mystery as a woman to gain power and wealth. So what is the truth in this? Power, money and sex leads to death and misery? I guess death is inevitable, misery?

Reflection Returning Reality

It's a new year.

The year here ended
after a couple days of heatwave
in the early hours of dawn
the rain began to fall gently
continuing steadily for most of the day
the earth washed
like a metaphorical clean slate.

And for the first time in forever
I feel optimistic
and accepting.

Sometimes I think I know
what love's all about
and when I see the light
I know I will be alright.

Happy New Year!