White Owl Inflight Mag

Note to self

2006-08-31T22:04:00.000+09:30

Astrobazza Horoscopes Week of August 28-September 3, 2006

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Stability is yours for all its advantages… so long as you can set your own agenda, build your own fence around the property (i.e., money, skills, self-love) you consider yours, and run the show as if you weren't constantly bombarded by psychic yanks from other people and their annoying issues. Remember last week's horoscope and all the tuning out of toxic energy I encouraged you to do? Well, the same goes for this week as well. In this height of major astro-oomph, there's a whole lot going on around you—and many of the strongest personalities in your life are probably braving some of the tightest, toughest pressures. You, on the other hand, continue to receive benevolent strokes from the universe, whenever you express self-possessed optimism and excitement for how much wider your capacity for new experience could become. There is literally no limit to where you could find yourself in future days, if you sincerely believe you've already got the resources you'll need to get there (though they may require further development and/or fine-tuning). Other folks, unfortunately, severely lack that sort of faith—and will do what they can, consciously or not, to keep you from leaving them behind in the dust-cloud that follows your ascension. The hardest thing for a watery soul like yourself is to resist such suggestibility, instead repeating self-securing mantras of confidence and trust over and over again until your unconscious drinks 'em up.

Tunisian Dream

2006-08-27T16:35:00.000+09:30

In the heat of the afternoon there is respite at least. The shimmering African summer is absorbed by an oasis of ficus and a tangled vine, wrapping and twisting around hot house foliage and flowers, untrimmed, growing to enormous proportions. Down the centre of the garden runs a long, oblong lotus pond with a fine gravel path on either side. At the end is a simple garden bench. This is the coolest most spiritually contemplative part of the garden. It's almost as if the jungle has peeled back in hallowed respect to the lotus blossoms growing out of the dark, tangled, muddy bottom, reaching toward light and blooming into indescribable beauty. Peacocks strut and scratch amongst the foliage in the dappled sunlight at the head of the pond. The ground tiers up to a higher level where it spills into a courtyard in the round.

Cobble-paved and white in the glare of the midday sun, rendered retaining walls curve around long lounges like naked bodies curled around another. The thick walls have succulents of all descriptions growing in gravel. The undergrowth surrounding the courtyard provides some cooling protection but this is the heat basin, very languid and sexy, especially at night where it stands under the clear, starry sky. The heat of the day radiates from the stone like a warm body and it is lit with the seductive flicker of candles and glowing sandalwood sticks.

The edge of the house is marked by a deep, black and white tiled, pavilion-style veranda which leads through heavy wooden doors into the dark, cool interior of the house.

The interior is filled with natural fibres and it's walls are lined with art and artefacts from travels. The neutral palate of colour, mostly white with earth and stone shades, accented with bright vivid red, orange, turquoise and a million shades of green. There is not much sound, the thick walls tend to deaden sound but the faint strains of music mingle with the quiet rustle of linen as staff walk the cool, dark corridors attending to the comfort of visiting guests and family.

At the front of the house the flat, shuttered front stands bravely facing the Mediterranean Sea like a soldier, arms at sides, straight up and down, not blinking. At night, sun-darkened hands lift the rings and rungs and open the house to the fresh, briny evening sea-breeze. Ringed stones circle overgrown plots of succulents before petering out into sand dunes nurturing soft seagrasses and cacti. Over the rise of the dune, the azure horizon is just visible. The ocean sighs it's secrets of scandal and solace, sacrifice and struggle, of shipwrecks and journeys, of love and betrayal...

The next stage

2006-07-05T00:38:00.000+09:30

The first card, the significator, is placed in the center of the cross. This card represents the prime energy manifest in your life. Eight of Cups (Indolence): Losing interest in a matter deeply important to you. Being forced to abandon something in which you had invested great love and devotion. Seeking earthly, physical pleasures, to the exclusion of spiritual growth and emotional fulfillment. Emotional withdrawal and lethargy.

The second card, placed above the significator, represents Air. It describes your spirit, process of thought, and the influence of reason. Nine of Pentacles (Gain): Good luck attending material affairs. Attaining refinement and embracing elegance. Discipline and nobility applied to the maintenance of security and stability. The wise use of resources and foresight. The fulfillment that comes with accomplishment, and the turning of attention to higher things.

The third card, placed to the right of the significator, represents Fire. It describes your motivations, creative energies, and the influence of passion. The Emperor: Worldly authority and power. Social mastery and oratory. One who is intelligent, experienced, confident and reasonable. A patriarch or primary male influence. The motive force of politics and society. The ability to fulfill plans and use mental control over the emotions.

The fourth card, placed below the significator, represents Water. It describes your emotions, meditations, and the influence of love. Five of Swords (Defeat): A success earned through personal degradation. Separation from friends brought about by an unfeeling and coldly calculated act. Temporary victory tainted by dishonor and providing fuel for eventual defeat.

The fifth card, placed to the left of the significator represents Earth. It describes your physical presence, position in life, and the influence of the material world. Justice: The achievement of balance and inner harmony after a great trial. Agreements, contracts, or treaties concluded justly. Things set to rights. Karma restored. A turn for the better in legal matters.

At this point the cross is complete and the triangle is formed. The sixth card, placed on the bottom left of the triangle represents one of two opposing forces. Seven of Swords (Futility): An opportunity to withdraw from a hopeless situation and fight another day. Disengagement from a struggle you should never have been involved in. A desperate attempt to resolve a matter without conflict. The use of cleverness or outright deception to turn the tide in your favor.

The seventh card, placed on the bottom right of the triangle represents the force that opposes the bottom left card. These forces may be external, but they are frequently one's own inner archetypes in conflict. Page of Cups: The essence of water behaving as earth, such as a wellspring: An unexpected new relationship that is playful and spontaneous. A romantic soul who embraces compassion and imagination with childlike joy. Gentle reflections on love, spirituality, and the importance of personal relationships in business and material affairs. May herald the birth of a child.

The eighth card, the reconciler, is placed below the cross in the third vertex of the triangle. This is the force that will resolve the conflict between the bottom left and bottom right cards. By meditating on this force and bringing more of it into your life, you can bring the matter at hand to a swifter conclusion than would naturally occur. Two of Swords (Peace): Contradictory characteristics brought together as a means of resolving a conflict. Refusing to be ruled by negative emotions. Strife brought to a close through clarity of mind and restraint of force. Turning a blind eye to the minor infractions of others.

The ninth and final card, placed in the center bottom of the triangle, represents the final outcome unless you change course. The Hanged Man: Pausing to reflect. Surrendering to an experience. Adjusting to new ideas through sacrifice. Opening oneself to intuition and enhanced awareness. Letting go of past patterns and growing beyond them. Inner peace, faith, and serenity.

Shipwrecked

2006-05-14T02:11:00.003+09:30

The screaming wind ripped the sail and it flapped around in the storm like a broken wing. Months of careful navigation were now like diamonds thrown to swine. Utter hopelessness reared like the metaphorical last wave that hit the deck and as water flooded into the hold, the ship keeled to the right, beams groaning under the pressure and finally the majestic vessel slowly sunk below the seething ocean. The survivors jumped and struggled for life and breath between the heaving surface of the water. Most of them drowned. One was washed to shore. And there she debated the mercy of death over the long and lonely isolation of being washed to a distant shore, alive and alone.

Months later, the thought of rescue had left the forefront of her mind and she survived on shellfish on the rocks along the coastline. Loneliness was replaced by solitude. A profound sense of self with nothing to compare it to but the inconstant sea and the drifting sands. Strange how even survival becomes routine after a while. The night and day are not separate things, they are a continuation of an existence. The moon and it's phases have no more meaning than breathing in and out. We live one life awake and the other dreaming. Do we question the moon, the sun, our breath? Life is breath. Life is only breath. Breath is life and do we question breath? We just breathe... We breathe awake and asleep. Which is really awake and which is really asleep? I know, I understand, I perceive, I dream, I think, I feel... I am. I am alive and on an island. Am I alone and shipwrecked or am I on a long and blissfully free holiday with myself?

Lucid

2006-04-15T11:48:00.000+09:30

After another exhausting day she stood for a moment wrapping the robe tighter around her waist. This nightly ritual of staring at the stars was comforting as usual. Tonight it was cold and she did not linger, the full moon was up above the pine trees, it's face reflecting light into every part of the landscape bleaching out the pinpricks of stars. She carefully placed the stone beneath her pillow and rolled over to read a few pages of her book before drifting to sleep.

It was another cold autumn morning, sounds filtered through the conversation she was attempting to have with the woman on the sand. She pulled the cover over her head and shoulder and submerged to the other world again. She stepped up one step and looked back over her shoulder, the child was slowly loping and bending, crawling down the long, shallow steps, concentrating with each manuveure downward.

'I went there, I didn't have time to stay long, just one glass of wine.' The light on the horizon stretched out to gold, orange, pale pink and tinged violet before merging with deep blue. It was getting darker and the warmth was leaving the air slightly and she stepped down once again into the warm sand feeling it slip between her toes. The child had stopped, it's attention caught by something on the stairs. She turned her gaze to the sea. Then she picked up the little girl who screamed at being interrupted from her climbing, kicking her legs and arching her back. The woman felt anger wellling up, then realised the internal frustration and anguish was not the child's fault and tears pricked at her eyes. She wiped them away and put the little girl's feet firmly on the step, talking quietly she bent over holding her hands and walking up slowly as the sea disappeared with the sinking sun.

She rolled over her eyes opened to take in the cold blue light filtering through the window. High above her the clouds tore and through them the pale autumn sky was visible for a moment before being engulfed again in thick cloud.

Lotus

2006-04-14T09:58:00.000+09:30

Memories of the past glimmer in the dead of the night like stars

2006-04-02T12:05:00.000+09:30

To my lover

You touched a deep chord in me
It played silently and yet the sound reverberated
throughout the whole earth and filled me
Such energy and vitality
I could scarcely contain it all.

I loved you with all of my heart
I nearly gave up everything just to be in your presence
When I gave you the greatest gift if could possibly give
- Freedom - I still hoped you'd return to me
Want me as much too.

But in giving you freedom and losing you
I gained a soul.

My heart learned in it's pain to embrace
That which it found hardest to love - myself.
I'm still learning and my rejected self often ends up in tears
Waiting to be rescued by someone worthy.

I meet you in my dreams from time to time
We chat but I'm really under no illusions that you think about me
Even if I would like that sometimes.

I still love you
I still miss you at times
Part of me still hopes
That one day I will have the opportunity
To make you understand just how much I loved you then
And still do.

Goodnight my love

Totem

2006-03-03T21:23:00.000+10:30

Butterfly: metamorphosis and transformation

Scientific research has shown that the butterfly is the only living being capable of changing entirely its genetic structure during the process of transformation: the caterpillar's DNA is totally different from the butterfly's. Thus, it is the symbol of total transformation. Butterfly represents a need for change and greater freedom, and at the same time it represents courage: one requires courage to carry out the changes necessary in the process of growth. Its Medicine is related to the air and the mental powers. It teaches us to find clarity in the mental processes, to organize projects or to figure out the next step in our internal growth. If Butterfly is your Power Animal or if you feel in any way attracted to it, this means you are ready to undergo some kind of transformation. Examine which stage calls your attention the most: the egg is the beginning, the birth of some project or idea. The larva is de decision to manifest something in the physical world. The cocoon has to do with "going inside", either through insight or the development of the project or idea. The breaking of the cocoon deals with sharing the splendor of your creation with the whole world. Once you understand the stage you are on, you can discover which is the next step.

Horse: stamina, mobility

The horse shows up in almost every mythological writing, folklore, and reality. There is the mighty winged Pegasus, the eight-legged horse of the Norse god Odin, the stallions of the Hindu sun god, the stallions of Apollo, and so on. Many legends speak of the horse as being clairvoyant and able to perceive humans with magical powers. No single animal has given man the physical freedom of movement as the horse. If you are drawn to Horse, you feel a power in your spirit that is sometimes difficult to control. Horse is a symbol of loyalty and devotion, of unquestioning love and faith in his master. He says that you love to travel, and have more than a touch of gypsy in your soul. Horse is also your warrior spirit - the brave fighter who brings you safety in your journeys, both physical and metaphysical. Horse's medicine includes power, stamina, endurance, faithfulness, freedom to run free, control of the environment, awareness of power achieved with true cooperation, interspecies communication, expanding one's own potential abilities, friendship and cooperation, travel, astral travel, guardian of travelers, warns of possible danger, guide to overcoming obstacles.

Owl: deception, clairvoyance, insight (the night eagle)

Owls come in all sizes, from a tiny miniature that actually lives inside the cactus in the desert, to the great horned owl, which is the only bird that can out fly the golden eagle. A fully grown great horned is an awe inspiring creature. Its talons are furry, and closely resemble the paws of a baby mountain lion with claws extended. It is a meat eater, which means it can be a fierce warrior if challenged, or if something dear to it is threatened. It is often referred to as Night Eagle. Owl is at home in the night. It has great awareness of all that is around it at all times. It has predator vision, which means it sees clearly what it looks at. It has great intuition: it is the totem of psychics and clairvoyants. It has the courage to follow its instincts. Owl's medicine includes seeing behind masks, silent and swift movement, keen sight, messenger of secrets and omens, shape-shifting, link between the dark, unseen world and the world of light, comfort with shadow self, moon power, freedom.

Rabbit: fear, timidity, nervousness, humility

Rabbit's medicine includes moving through fear, living by one's own wits, receiving hidden teachings and intuitive messages, quick thinking, strengthening intuition, and paradox. Rabbit also represents humility, because he is quiet and soft and not self-asserting. Rabbit reminds us not to be afraid. Fearful thoughts reproduce (like rabbits) and bring the very thing we fear. Rabbit people are so afraid of tragedy, illness, and disaster, that they call those very fears to them to teach them lessons. If you see Rabbit or in any way feel attracted to him, it may be telling you to wait for the forces of the universe to start moving again, to stop worrying and to get rid of your fears. It always indicates a need to re-evaluate the process you are undergoing, to rid yourself of any negative feelings or barriers, and to be more humble.

White Owl

2006-03-03T20:46:00.000+10:30

Where the way whispers softly
the hand uncurls open and accepting
the heart unwraps from its tightly woven centre
the energy spirals outward to fingertips
where heat and current pass between outstretched hands
tuned to receive
the owl flies
through the darkness
flexing padded wingtips
as silent and elusive
as a lingering waft of pale grey smoke
gliding and searching
and through the night
comes a long haunting screech

Secrets and Lies

2006-02-15T08:20:00.000+10:30

She says, 'Some days I feel so angry, I could kill everyone. But right now, I'm taking codeine. I don't feel anything'.

He says, 'No, things aren't going so well, her parents are here, it's not good, she takes it all out on me'.

She says, 'This is where she bit my finger', turning her hand down and showing a missing nail.

He says, 'Some days I feel so empty, so alone, this self-loathing makes me hit myself. My mother had postnatal depression when I was a baby. I'm too scared to talk to her about it'.

She says, 'I can't talk about the girls father, they might hear, they're at a sensitive age'.

He says, 'I've been a serial monogamist my whole life, I want to experience something different, a freedom to explore relationships inside and out.'

She says, 'You betrayed yourself, you were deceitful to only one person, yourself'.

He says, 'I think I should be able to fuck anyone. They want it, I give it to them and they like it rough'.

She says, 'He told me to leave, I'm 40 years old and I had to go home and sleep at my dad's house. I transferred $40,000 out of the bank account. I've been in enough relationship break-ups not to walk out empty handed this time. I'm taking the bed too'.

He says, 'I used to be a prostitute, I got paid really good money. I was good. I miss that life. I miss the money. Now I have a legitimate lifestyle, legitimate partner, I'm broke and bored'.

She says, 'Some days the office politics gets me down. There is four people in my workplace... He doesn't know how to communicate, so he gets her to leave nasty notes on my desk'.

He says, 'I'm not scared of dad anymore'.

Out amongst the walking wounded
every face on every street
you and me and him and her
some days I think I could go insane.

Catharsis

2006-02-14T09:04:00.000+10:30

Catharsis is a form of emotional cleansing first defined by the Greek philosopher Aristotle. It originally referred to the sensation that would ideally overcome an audience upon finishing a tragedy. The fact that there existed those who could suffer a worse fate than them was to them a relief, and at the end of the play, they felt ekstasis (literally, astonishment), from which the modern word ecstacy is derived. While seemingly related to schadenfreude, it is not, however, in the sense that the audience is not intentionally led to feel happy in light of others' misfortunes; in an invariant sense, their spirits are refreshed through having greater appreciation for life.
The term catharsis has been adopted by modern psychotherapy to describe the act
of giving expression to deep emotions often associated with events in the individuals past which have never before been adequately expressed. (encyclopedia, the free dictionary)

In that moment she couldnt decide which was causing more pain. His betrayal or apparent ambivilant attitude to her distress. As the anger constricted around her throat, tightening her chest until her breathing became laboured she knew she must act or be overwhelmed by this weight of emotion that was squeezing the life from her like a tightening hand grasping a puppet.

In that moment of insight the need for action stood out. Move. She walked purposefully to the back garden shed, removing the axe, searching unsuccessfully for a pair of gloves and then alighting the stairs and trudging up the weedy paddock.

The first piece of offending furniture fell with a crack from its place and one swing of the axe splintered the back and rattled the frame of the cheap veneer shell. Then the fury overcame her and she screamed, 'Bastard, you fucking bastard', over and over again as the axe fell and the drawers lay in splintered ruins. Collecting each fragment of the hacked remains she walked down the hill and dumped it in the centre of the clearing, rolling an unused petrol drum over to the site she threw in books, tools, crumpled papers and the fragmented chest of drawers.

Searching the shed, her eyes took in paint cans, tool shelves, an old computer stacked precariously, crates of old newspapers before resting on a petrol can. The vapourous fuel sloshed from the can dousing the material, shimmering in a mirage of evapourating fumes. She carefully lit the end of a roll of paper and held it above the drum before dropping it into the can. In a moment, the space between the inhalation and exhalation, nothing. Then the fuel exploded upward in a fireball and her eyes instinctively turned away before returning to see the remains engulfed in flames.

Morning Star

2006-02-14T00:04:00.000+10:30

I met a man. We met purely by chance, a fleeting, casual encounter. The title of the nondescript reddish-brown book he was reading caught my interest. I had been reading on the same subject the night before. I smiled, we exchanged a few words. Tonight with the moon full and pulling at the centre of the earth, I felt the tug of fate at my heart. Standing above, looking down on the surface of my life. He was there again today. I had not noticed much about him the first time, except his foreign accent and that his eyes had engaged with mine, kindly, he smiled thanks when I brought him coffee, his upturned face lined with artistic sensitivity. Today his eyes searched for mine, held and smiled a smile deeper than recognition. There was a moment when I stopped and looked back, unguarded, my smile reaching out and touching his gently. We looked at each other for a long time, long enough for our souls to come to the window and gaze out. His were dark, soft, gentle and searching mine. His mind had been deep in thought, I could see from the depth of colour of his eyes, almost black. I recognised it immediately. I dropped my eyes to his hands which held the book that had brought us together in those first few minutes, weeks ago. 'You've nearly finished.', I pointed at his bookmark marking the last quarter of the book. He shrugged, 'I have five books at the moment that I'm reading... this one...,' he opened the pages to a passage, placed his finger on it, 'I read a bit, then ah well, I spend days thinking about it.' I nodded, smiled, touched his shoulder gently in understanding and left. I wondered if I would see him again. Hours later, he was in my thoughts, along with the careless, laughing throw away comment I had made to my gay friend, 'That man is my next lover, you know'. It had been in a series of critiques we had been making on each man walking through the door that day. I had been joking but something about him had made me notice him, that meeting, the next, nothing really, yet?

Driving home, late, watching the full moon rising, he was there. I imagined his name, trying each one out with his face, his birth sign, his accent, what was his accent, eastern European, French? We had barely exchanged any words. I shrugged to myself and banished the futility of fantasy from my mind, but he stayed along with all the lingering memories of lovers past, men that I still loved but circumstance had separated. In the distance, the light at home, glowing golden lantern in the entrance way. The dark track lit by moon dappled trees reflecting light and casting long, ghostly shadows into the darkened scrub. In that moment, interrupting my thoughts, an owl flew over the car, sweeping the top of the headlights before vanishing into the luminescent bushland...

Sizzle

2006-01-22T11:49:00.000+10:30

The sun tears at the shade, sucking the moisture from every surface it shimmers off. Heat waves scorch the hills, wind tears up the dust and moves through the stoic gum tress in a lumbering, listing swagger. The country fire services broadcasts bushfires on the hour, updating with increasing urgency, warning of danger, carefully outlining safety precautions, life and death is a second apart, an exhalation of the breath, a blink of an eye. The elements rule and man scuttles indoors to hide in the artificial cool of chugging airconditioners, ice clinking in drinks, arm wiping sweaty brow. Then as the sun recedes lower to the horizon, it's intensity shuttered by the outline of unbending earth, people emerge, blinking like moles from their dark recesses to drive in droves to the beach. Tiptoeing gingerly along scorching sand, then jogging the last unbearable lengths to the cool, damp compacted tidal edge, slipping off t-shirts, crumpled shorts and splashing with relief into the cool, salty water. The steady crash of waves, mingle with the laughter of children and the rattle of the radio updating bushfire news and the cricket scores. Adults complain about the heat, forgetting that three months ago they were complaining about the cold. Beer is slipped from it's frozen crib, the esky, and slides down the throats of these Australians living in the driest state in the driest continent. This is summer in South Australia.

Ishtar

2006-01-16T22:25:00.000+10:30

Ishtar represents the fullness of womanhood and dares us to dream. Her power is strongest at the full moon, when the essence of womanhood heightens in response to the moon energy that is all-encompassing.

By honouring the Feminine Divine, we reconnect with our inner goddess. We empower ourselves spiritually, psychologically, emotionally and physically so our true selves are set free.

Earth goddess

2006-01-14T16:38:00.001+10:30

It's been a full week and at it's end, the summer rain falls gently. The air is filled with the smell of wet, dry grass. I've been gardening and my hands are dried out, blistered and sore. It is good to garden, to be with the earth. I'm coated with a fine film of dirt and dust, blending to a dark brown with my summer tan. I have a patch of sunny sunflowers that are standing proud and tall, beaming with golden solar panel smiles.

The man about the house is checking the gutters so that we catch every drop of water that falls to fill up our tank. Once our tank runs dry, we have no water. Each summer we have been here we have seen the bottom of the tank. Our summers are hot and long and lingeringly delicious but very dry. The earth gets so hard. I tried sticking my fork into some dried dirt to extract the weed, it was like rock, they surely sucked out every ounce of water with their tentacled roots.

I am enjoying being in my body, feeling it's aches from a new yoga class, my sore hands, my dusty feet.

Building sand castles by the sea

2006-01-13T00:11:00.000+10:30

CANCER for the week 9.1 - 16.1

It's a miracle the way you are able to rebuild and rebuild and rebuild no matter how many times your sand castle gets knocked down by a bully or washed away in a tide. Just think about how you have been able to recreate your life over the last five years. It's truly amazing. To look at you and your home, with the pictures on the walls and everything in place, one would never imagine the upheaval you went through. So it's not necessary to freak out over what may happen. You've already proved your capacity to deal with change. www.michaellutin.com

Seven states of happiness

2006-01-05T23:02:00.000+10:30

1. Waking up with my little princess daughter in my bed smiling a smile that reaches from one end of the rainbow to the other and patting my face goodmorning.

2. Hot shower, so grateful for clean hot water :)

3. Driving fast in the early morning sunshine, through my favourite stretch of winding road, with the Studio 54 soundtrack up full blast.

2. Being surrounded by food glorious food!

3. Tasting my first coffee for the morning.

4. Seeing my most beautiful sister walk through the door just when I was about to go home and miss out seeing her.

5. Driving the winding country roads home, paddocks and vines glowing magically in the red and gold sunset.

6. Eating a hard boiled free range egg made by my happy chickens.

7. Smelling fresh air and picking lemon thyme for the vase on the window sill.

Shadow

2006-01-05T22:00:00.000+10:30

One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light,
but by making the darkness conscious. C. G. JUNG

Bleeding heart

2006-01-04T22:28:00.000+10:30

Such a confused child inside. I can't remember being an actual child, I have a lost childhood. I was a dreamer. I spent a lot of time somewhere else, not on earth. A 'fairy-dweller' my english teacher called me. Was it my nature or a way to escape the confusion of childhood sexual abuse. I went back to that house today. It looks shabby and worn. The lantana bush was the same, trimmed into a neat ball. I don't know what it was about that lantana bush, but it made me cry. The tap of the keys as words flow out through her fingers, directed by her mind, which throbs in a confusion of shifting spaces, time and thought. Burying her face in her hands for a moment she rubs her throbbing temple and sighs a deep sigh.

So now I suffer, still in silence when I want to scream. FUCK YOU! YOU FUCKING BASTARD. I want to tell my parents how much I hurt because they were so blind to the truth, how they failed to protect me from harm. How a few weeks in therapy with strangers before it is all shoved under the carpet and we pretend to be a happy family again is bullshit! I have nightmares about being dead, lying naked on a white bed, sheets soaked in my own red, red, red, copious blood oh so much blood. Bleeding out of me, my life, my blood leaving, life leaving, leaving this life behind. Leaving my children without a mother, leaving for an uncharted ocean of the wounded soul.

Pulling the blanket around her shoulders she pauses, she longs for arms, warm arms but she is alone. The loneliness is less when she is alone because no one can reach where she has gone to pull her back. She tried for a minute, imploring him to let her stay with him, but he had other things, other plans. 'Will you be alright' he asked. 'Yes I'll be fine', she lied, smiled bravely as the blood dripped down over her eyes like shutters, pumping out the slashed valves of a self destructive internal turmoil.

Oh I have been brought up so well. When to smile, when to lie with my brave meaningless words and lower my eyes to hide the truth in their deep, dark, emotional depths because no one wants to see the pain reflecting in the bottom of the pool.

If only i could say, No I'm not alright, and I want to die.

My whole life is a lie. One big fucking lie.

Don't cry over spilt milk. Can't be starting something, even though it's started. Endings are beginnings and starting is beginning an ending. Will I ever understand. Why? Why me? She looks around for a box to shove the pain in. At least no one wants to take that away.

Maybe it's the only thing left that keeps her alive.

Energy in motion (emotion)

2006-01-04T10:06:00.000+10:30

Uranus in Pisces is drawing toward the moon and that means, water is unpredicable (anything in Pisces in your chart gets hammered). I have Vestra in Pisces and that means sexxxx.

I've been reading up on courtesans in history and they all have dramatic lives that end in tragedy, many have the moon in Pisces strangely enough. Many have died of consumption, by firing squad, drowned as witches, or just alone and depraved once their beauty has gone. Some have fallen in love, denounced their profession only to be deserted by the object of their affections and left to destitution and misery. All of them used their charm and mystery as a woman to gain power and wealth. So what is the truth in this? Power, money and sex leads to death and misery? I guess death is inevitable, misery?

Reflection Returning Reality

2006-01-02T10:08:00.000+10:30

It's a new year.

The year here ended
after a couple days of heatwave
in the early hours of dawn
the rain began to fall gently
continuing steadily for most of the day
the earth washed
like a metaphorical clean slate.

And for the first time in forever
I feel optimistic
and accepting.

Sometimes I think I know
what love's all about
and when I see the light
I know I will be alright.

Happy New Year!

Dreamscape

2005-12-28T19:59:00.000+10:30

This dream i was having this morning
started in a corner deli from my childhood where I meet
slightly-in-awe-of class mate from my school days
who runs the deli (she is a lawyer in real life)
while walking home around the block i grew up on
I stop because there is roadworks
and lots of bulldozing equipment breaking up the footpath
driven by a male friend that I haven't seen since autumn
but have been thinking about ringing to catch up for a coffee and chat
I have sex with this male friend on the corner to my street
(I have never had sex with him in real life)
sex overshadowed by fear of being caught by parents
who live about halfway up the street corner we are on
therefore attempt abandoned
wake up suddenly
feeling somewhat nauseated
and bleary

Bloody Men!

2005-12-26T13:37:00.000+10:30

by Wendy Cope

Bloody men are like bloody buses -
You wait for about a year
And as soon as one approaches your stop
Two or three others appear.

You look at them flashing their indicators,
Offering you a ride.
You're trying to read the destinations,
You haven't much time to decide.

If you make a mistake, there is no turning back.
Jump off, and you'll stand there and gaze
While the cars and the taxis and lorries go by
And the minutes, the hours, the days.

Fighting It

2005-12-19T10:57:00.000+10:30

boiling over

someone left the pot on boil
and walked away

stopped looking
stopped caring
and now it's all boiled over
burnt
nothing

a hellava lot of scrubbing is going to have to happen now
when all it took was a moment of concentration
a moment to be mindful
of that pot cooking on the stove

Fly fly away

2005-12-17T12:36:00.000+10:30

A caterpillar cannot know
that it will someday be a butterfly.
It can only hope
and wait.

Life on the ground is passing me by
because my sight is fixed on the sky
Time to be a caterpillar
and someday maybe I will fly.

Murky Water

2005-12-17T12:25:00.000+10:30

Yesterday has bled into today

I am struggling through this life.

Why does it always become such a struggle?

I feel alone, isolated

uselessly emotional
and now I want to be alone because I feel so destructive
unproductive

I don't feel loving

I don't feel patient

I don't feel kind

I feel angry

upset
abused
lonely
unhappy
miserable
fucking miserable .

I feel depleted.

I approach every encounter with another
like they are going to take something from me
that I really don't want to give.

I recognise this inner turmoil.

It's called mental exhaustion
fuelled by overblown expectations
nurtured by disappointment
and leaves the bitter taste of failure
in my mouth.

I feel like a failure

a loser

worth nothing

worth-less than nothing

I hate feeling like this

I want it to go away

pleeeeeease go away

icky feeling.

Swadhistana

2005-12-12T20:39:00.000+10:30

melting into the arms of another energy blending merging like water filling overflowing fluid undulating around the earth pulled by the moon forward and back to the bottom of the deepest recess of the earth emotions pooling wrapping around swirling twirling energy rises to the heart which explodes with liquid warmth spraying upward to the heavens rising energy ascending as clouds up into the highest reaches of consciousness until it falls into the sea swirling water again as rain a single drop becomes a vast ocean that washes up against the shore.

Biodiversity

2005-12-12T14:29:00.000+10:30

Just a moment

an insignificant moment

a tiny fragile insignificant moment

a single breath of life

the flutter of delicate wings, opening closing

A naked figure sits on the lotus leaf of perfection, gazing at the beauty of the night sky. She knows that 'home' is not a physical place in the outside world, but an inner quality of relaxation and acceptance. The stars, the rocks, the trees, the flowers, fish and birds - are all our brothers and sisters in this dance of life. We human beings tend to forget this, as we pursue our own private agendas and believe we must fight to get what we need. But ultimately, our sense of separateness is just an illusion, manufactured by the narrow preoccupations of the mind. Now is the time to look at whether you are allowing yourself to receive the extraordinary gift of feeling 'at home' wherever you are. If you are, be sure to take time to savour it so it can deepen and remain with you. If on the other hand you've been feeling like the world is out to get you it is time to take a break. Go outside tonight and look at the stars.

You are not accidental. Existence needs you. Without you something will be missing in existence and nobody can replace it. That's what gives you dignity, that the whole existence will miss you. The stars and sun and moon, the trees and birds and earth - everything in the universe will feel a small place is vacant withich cannot be filled by anybody except you. This gives you tremendous joy, a fulfillment that you are related to existence, and existence cares for you. Once you are clean and clear, you can see tremendous love falling on you from all directions.

Madonna Whore

2005-12-04T00:45:00.000+10:30

Postmodern Gal

2005-12-03T13:37:00.000+10:30

In the 17th Century nostalgia was first diagnosed as a disease and carried the title of, maladie du pays (country-sickness), heimweh (home-pain), el mal de corazon (heart-pain). Nostalgia produced symptoms, these included tightening of chest and/or throat, pain in the pit of the stomach, and despair that sometimes lead to cases of death. The cure was often to send soldiers (who where the majority of sufferers) home to the place they longed for. Unfortunately, as discovered later, nostalgia is a dis-ease of the psyche, a yearning to return to a time rather than a place.

Often the memory of the past is hidden by the subjective shadow or selective memory or idealisation. Proust is the ultimate nostalgic.

The antidote to nostalgia?

Irony.

Irony expresses an implicit meaning that is concealed or hidden by a contradictory explicit meaning. In other words things are not always what they seem.

For example, words expressed explicitly as empathy may hide an implicit mockery.

The queen of irony is the understatement and often the ironic will feign ignorance as an expression of philosophical skepticismm. Socrates is the iconic ironic.

Does the Postmodernist embrace both these forms of expression in an effort to create a form of self-negating Truth? Does a perpetual cycle of nostalgia refuted by irony and cosseted by counter-nostalgia enable the ball to keep rolling indefinitely?

Long live Postmodernism!

by the Ironic Nostalgic

The Gift

2005-12-02T13:37:00.000+10:30

Perhaps God gives us children not so much to perpetuate the human race; God gives us children to give us companions who will make every possible effort to help us remember to be fully present and to live in the present. Children are the ultimate reminders that life is nothing more than a process, and that as we participate in it, it changes. Children are willing to take on people who have started to become static, to busy themselves with unimportant things, and to lose contact with the world around them. We are given children to help us to remember to live our lives, not just rush through them. - Anne Wilson Schaef

I awoke as usual to a kiss from my three year old. 'Mum are you awake?' 'Come and play with me'. We played with a ball in my bed for about 10 minutes and then James came and joined me in the shower and we carefully washed his hair as he finds it a torturous experience and any drop of water that gets on his face makes him cry. My baby girl was still fast asleep, arms spread wide with a sliver of light coming through the crack in the curtains, illuminating the face of an angel. I stood unable to tear myself away from looking at her. Mr three tiptoed noisily into the bedroom, white towel wrapped awkwardly around his little body, saw Faith asleep and whispered loudly 'SSSSH MUM, DON'T WAKE UP FAITH'. I looked at these two beautiful kids and my heart was full of love and happiness. I thought if I died today, I would die a happy woman...

We all made it through breakfast and a bit of play before heading off to spend the day with a friend and her young children. This woman is the bravest, strongest, most courageous, giving and generous woman I have ever met in my life :)

We had a mutually supportive day of playing with our children, attending to their needs and chatting through all the trials and tribulations, elations and proud moments of motherhood while eating lunch and then sitting out the back in the sun and doing a quick pedicure and painting our toenails while the kids played with cars in the dirt. Then it was getting late and I needed to get packed up and head home. As I walked back and forth down stairs, across the suburban street piling the stuff in the car I noticed on the last trip before collecting the kids, a car coming up the street slowly, quietly. It was one of those days that it feels like sound is sucked into a hole and everything feels quiet and still. Watching this car, I was thinking, 'That car is so quiet, if I hadn't been concentrating I could have just walked in front of it.' I watched it pass and then stepped off the curb and at that moment another car hit me. It skidded to a halt about one hundred meters up the road and I stood there in disbelief for what felt like a lifetime before my legs folded from under me.

As my son put it later, recounting the experience to his father, 'Mum got hit by a car, it hit her basket and broke the cups, then she fell over and died because it hit her foot and her leg and hurt her...' He must have been watching from the upstairs window... I've told him so many times when crossing the road to be careful because he might get hit by a car and it would hurt a lot, and he might die. Kids take everything in. He showed Harry my leg which is pretty bruised and swollen and grazed and said, 'Don't worry Dad, I gave her a squeezy hug and she is going to be ok now.'

I feel a bit choked up typing this as my mind wanders into dangerous territory thinking, I could be dead, or critically injured lying in a hospital. That basket I was carrying that took the impact, could have been Faith...

For me this has been a reminder to never take anything for granted.

In this busy time of the year, as we rush about and prepare to celebrate with family and friends, all the good things that this life has given us, I will be remembering to be present and to be thankful for everything in my life as it is given to me, moment by moment.

Gone to the beach

2005-11-30T10:12:00.000+10:30

Maslins Beach, South Australia

The Garden of Goude and Evil

2005-11-28T21:37:00.000+10:30

Photo by Jean Paul Goude
If you're out there, you're vulnerable. People prefer to disappear in life, to repress their personality. That's not living. It's dying. I see them all over the place, the walking dead. - Grace Jones

What Tree Did You Fall From?

2005-11-26T10:56:00.000+10:30

I am an Apple and a red, juicy, sweet, delicious one at that! ha ha

Find your birthday and then find your tree. This is really cool and somewhat accurate. Find your tree below and see what you are like...

Dec 23 to Jan 01 Apple Tree
Jan 01 to Jan 11 Fir Tree
Jan 12 to Jan 24 Elm Tree
Jan 25 to Feb 03 Cypress Tree
Feb 04 to Feb 08 Poplar Tree
Feb 09 to Feb 18 Cedar Tree
Feb 19 to Feb 28 Pine Tree
Mar 01 to Mar 10 Weeping Willow Tree
Mar 11 to Mar 20 Lime Tree
Mar 21 (only) Oak Tree
Mar 22 to Mar 31 Hazelnut Tree
Apr 01 to Apr 10 Rowan Tree
Apr 11 to Apr 20 Maple Tree
Apr 21 to Apr 30 Walnut Tree
May 01 to May 14 Poplar Tree
May 15 to May 24 Chestnut Tree
May 25 to Jun 03 Ash Tree
Jun 04 to Jun 13 Hornbeam Tree
Jun 14 to Jun 23 Fig Tree
Jun 24 (only) Birch Tree
Jun 25 to Jul 04 Apple Tree
Jul 05 to Jul 14 Fir Tree
Jul 15 to Jul 25 Elm Tree
Jul 26 to Aug 04 Cypress Tree
Aug 05 to Aug 13 Poplar Tree
Aug 14 to Aug 23 Cedar Tree
Aug 24 to Sep 02 Pine Tree
Sep 03 to Sep 12 Weeping Willow Tree
Sep 13 to Sep 22 Lime Tree
Sep 23 (only) Olive Tree
Sep 24 to Oct 03 Hazelnut Tree
Oct 04 to Oct 13 Rowan Tree
Oct 14 to Oct 23 Maple Tree
Oct 24 to Nov 11 Walnut Tree
Nov 12 to Nov 21 Chestnut Tree
Nov 22 to Dec 01 Ash Tree
Dec 02 to Dec 11 Hornbeam Tree
Dec 12 to Dec 21 Fig Tree
Dec 22 (only) Beech Tree

TREES (in alphabetical order)

Apple Tree (Love) -- quiet and shy at times, lots of charm, appeal, and attraction, pleasant attitude, flirtatious smile, adventurous, sensitive, loyal in love, wants to love and be loved, faithful and tender partner, very generous, many talents, loves children, needs affectionate partner.
Ash Tree (Ambition) -- extremely attractive, vivacious, impulsive, demanding, does not care for criticism, ambitious, intelligent, talented, likes to play with fate, can be very egotistic, reliable, restless lover, sometimes money rules over the heart, demands attention, needs love and much emotional support.
Beech Tree (Creative) -- has good taste, concerned about its looks, materialistic, good organization of life and career, economical, good leader, takes no unnecessary risks, reasonable, splendid lifetime companion, keen on keeping fit (diets, sports, etc.).
Birch Tree (Inspiration) -- vivacious, attractive, elegant,friendly, unpretentious, modest, does not like anything in excess, abhors the vulgar, loves life in nature and in calm, not very passionate, full of imagination, little ambition, creates a calm and content atmosphere.
Cedar Tree (Confidence) -- of rare strength, knows how to adapt, likes unexpected presents, of good health, not in the least shy, tends to look down on others, self-confident, a great speaker, determined, often impatient, likes to impress others, has many talents, industrious, healthy optimism, waits for the one true love, able to make quick decisions.
Chestnut Tree (Honesty) -- of unusual stature, impressive, well-developed sense of justice, fun to be around, a planner, born diplomat, can be irritated easily, sensitive of others feelings, hard worker, sometimes acts superior, feels not understood at times, fiercely family oriented, very loyal in love, physically fit.
Cypress Tree (Faithfulness) -- strong, muscular, adaptable, takes what life has to give but doesn't necessarily like it, strives to be content, optimistic, wants to be financially independent, wants love and affection, hates loneliness, passionate lover which cannot be satisfied, faithful, quick-tempered at times, can be unruly and careless, loves to gain knowledge, needs to be needed.
Elm Tree (Noble-mindedness) -- pleasant shape, tasteful clothes, modest demands, tends not to forgive mistakes, cheerful, likes to lead but not to obey, honest and faithful partner, likes making decisions for others, noble-minded, generous, good sense of humour, practical.
Fig Tree (Sensibility) -- very strong minded, a bit self-willed, honest, loyal, independent, hates contradiction or arguments, hard worker when wants to be, loves life and friends, enjoys children and animals, sexually oriented, great sense of humour, has artistic talent and great intelligence.
Fir tree (Mysterious) -- extraordinary taste, handles stress well, loves anything beautiful, stubborn, tends to care for those close to them, hard to trust others, yet a social butterfly, likes idleness and laziness after long demanding hours at work, rather modest, talented, unselfish, many friends, very reliable.
Hazelnut Tree (Extraordinary) -- charming, sense of humour, very demanding but can also be very understanding, knows how to make a lasting impression, active fighter for social causes and politics, popular, quite moody, sexually oriented, honest, a perfectionist, has a precise sense of judgment and expects complete fairness.
Hornbeam Tree (Good Taste) -- of cool beauty, cares for its looks and condition, good taste, is not egoistic, makes life as comfortable as possible, leads a reasonable and disciplined life, looks for kindness and acknowledgment in an emotional partner, dreams of unusual lovers, is seldom happy with its feelings, mistrusts most people, is never sure of its decisions, very conscientious.
Lime Tree (Doubt) - intelligent, hard working, accepts what life dishes out, but not before trying to change bad circumstances into good ones, hates fighting and stress, enjoys getaway vacations, may appear tough, but is actually soft and relenting, always willing to make sacrifices for family and friends, has many talents but not always enough time to use them, great leadership qualities, is jealous at times but extremely loyal.
Maple Tree (Independence of Mind) -- no ordinary person, full of imagination and originality, shy and reserved, ambitious, proud, self-confident, hungers for new experiences, sometimes nervous, has many complexities, good memory, learns easily, complicated love life, wants to impress.
Oak Tree (Brave) -- robust nature, courageous, strong, unrelenting, independent, sensible, does not like change, keeps its feet on the ground, person of action.
Olive Tree (Wisdom) -- loves sun, warmth and kind feelings, reasonable, balanced, avoids aggression and violence, tolerant, cheerful, calm, well-developed sense of justice, sensitive, empathetic, free of jealousy, loves to read and the company of sophisticated people.
Pine Tree (Peacemaker) -- loves agreeable company, craves peace and harmony, loves to help others, active imagination, likes to write poetry, not fashion conscious, great compassion, friendly to all, falls strongly in love but will leave if betrayed or lied to, emotionally soft,needs affection and reassurance.
Poplar Tree (Uncertainty) -- looks very decorative, talented, not very self-confident, extremely courageous if necessary, needs goodwill and pleasant surroundings, very choosy, often lonely, great animosity, great artistic nature, good organizer, tends to lean toward philosophy, reliable in any situation, takes partnership seriously.
Rowan Tree (Sensitivity) -- full of charm, cheerful, gifted without egoism, likes to draw attention, loves life, motion, unrest, and even complications, is both dependent and independent, good taste, artistic, passionate, emotional, good company, does not forgive.
Walnut Tree (Passion) -- unrelenting, strange and full of contrasts, often egotistic, aggressive, noble, broad horizon, unexpected reactions, spontaneous, unlimited ambition, no flexibility, difficult and uncommon partner, not always liked but often admired, ingenious strategist, very jealous and passionate, no compromise.
Weeping Willow (Melancholy) - likes to be stress free, loves family life, full of hopes and dreams, attractive, very empathetic, loves anything beautiful, musically inclined, loves to travel to exotic places, restless, capricious, honest, can be influenced but is not easy to live with when pressured, sometimes demanding, good intuition, suffers in love until they find that one loyal, steadfast partner; loves to make others laugh.

Selfish Bitch

2005-11-25T09:21:00.000+10:30

The injunction to be unselfish is an impossible ideal. Each of us is totally selfish in the sense that we are always doing what some part of us wants to. Generosity feels at least as rewarding as greed. Selfishness is neither inherently good nor bad - it depends on the way we are selfish as to whether it nourishes or injures. Notes to Myself, Hugh Prather

I feel like life has stalled at present. It's a waiting game, waiting for results that say 'You have scary cancerous cells, time to get the chop' or 'Those scary cells, well don't worry they are ok but we'll have to keep an eye on them...' (read stick a steel speculum up your most intimate and private space and probe with a microscope into your innermost womanly depths, often, as often as we would like because we have your health at heart, do you mind if these half a dozen student doctors look at your twat too?). It feels like everything has slowed down to a snails pace. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting for a reply. Waiting for a miracle. Waiting for fate to change so I don't have to make a decision. Kind of like Groundhog day. I wake up. There is children and their needs, I can't concentrate on my work, or anything long term, there is a partner who literally twitches with sexual frustration and is now stating it in every conversation, calling it 'feelings'. 'I have these strong 'feelings' for you...' Give me a break! It would be sooo easy to just sleep with him just so he would shut the f&*% up and give me some space. But then he would be all melty and goobly and expressing his undying affection... I feel like throwing up. I feel so objectified. I feel like Pandora, a creation of desire, my purpose to be perfect, to be ideal, to fulfill some man and his immediate physical needs. I stay open, compassionate, loving, kind, but something is itching, an impulse...

I'm curious one...

I want to open the box

unleash it all

every fucking inconceivably horrid emotion and desire and selfish 'I don't give a fuck about you and your fucking needs I'm looking out for me now, so FUCK OFF!'.

But I sit on it.

And what about what I WANT?

What do I want?

FUCK IT ALL
FUCK
FUCKING
FUCK FUCK!

(I just taught my spell checker the word 'fuck'. I had to 'unlearn' my three year old this week)

I hate waiting...

Love came...

2005-11-24T15:16:00.000+10:30

Love came slowly
it crept up on me in the darkness
curled around me
warming my coldness

I melted into it's arms
merging
releasing my fear in a headrush of relief

I was loved
needed
desired
wanted
oh yes that was clear

In his eyes
desire
I want you
to possess
to have
to hold

I was your slave
your life
I existed to please you
and that was enough

But in the the cold winds of time
the love shrunk
eroded
to a tiny bundle of expectation
it no longer embraced everything
and we routinely plodded through this thing called

home
family
commitment

a fire blew through
blowing off the roof of our cozy existence
shattering the windows in an explosion of broken promises
i was hot
a ball of burning desire
the fire burned in me for a long while
two years

but not through me to you

I see sadness now
in your eyes
where once there was desire

I am not yours anymore
I can't be

I'm not connected now
I blow in the wind of change
like a plastic shopping bag
dancing in the empty carpark

Something plain
something domesticated
something disposable
something once useful

There is beauty in the ordinary
something beautiful
when freed

I always was a wild horse
and you knew I would break free one day

The irony of being a caged wild animal doesn't escape me

Freedom cost me something
it left a hole

I dance now in that empty space
my spirit is my own
the space is vast

I'm not really sure where I am
but I am
I am

RIZE

2005-11-24T11:08:00.000+10:30

We must forever conduct our struggle on the high plane of dignity and discipline. Again and again we must rise to the majestic heights of meeting physical force with soul force.
Last night I went to town to see glamour guru, David LaChapelle's docco on street dance in the impoverished areas of urban Los Angeles. Something is illuminating the souls of these kids born into the pits of poverty in the City of Angels. It is giving them courage and hope in the face of adversity as innocents are gunned down in broad daylight and babies begin their life on the streets because their mum is in jail for possession.
I am not unmindful that some of you have come here out of great trials and tribulations. Some of you have come fresh from narrow cells. Some of you have come from areas where your quest for freedom left you battered by the storms of persecution and staggered by the winds of police brutality. You have been the veterans of creative suffering. Continue to work with the faith that unearned suffering is redemptive.
LaChapelle's work is a celebration of freestyle street art in the form two styles of hip hop dance 'Clowning' and 'Crumping', that were birthed out of the violence and tragedy of the 1992 riots.

There was a moment in this film where a (very young) defiant teenage boy was talking about running with his dad's gang, wearing his colours and everything about this kid was aggressive and angry, macho and tough. Two other adults were with him, drawing him out and encouraging him to talk and let all that go before he ended up dead on the streets. The saddest thing, this confused kid, wanting to be with his dad who was his hero, but it wasn't enough, he needed a good role model not a gangland father. Seeing him melt into the arms of a little toddler who was wanting to cuddle and comfort him and give him affection. This tough kid was tears, it gave me goose bumps.

Another woman was surrounded by her kids, telling of her path to find love and acceptance within her circle and realising after years of drug addiction, neglect and jail that it wasn't love, in the end, no one was there for her...

This a high energy 96 minutes of hip hop as black America rediscovers it's tribal roots. Dance is a cathartic release in the darkness of gangs, drugs and street wars, where loss and pain is every black persons birthright and redemption is glimpsed in the power of love, laughter and the celebration of life.

I refuse to accept the view that mankind is so tragically bound to the starless midnight of racism and war that the bright daybreak of peace and brotherhood can never become reality. I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word. (text in italics from Martin Luther King's speech 'I Have A Dream' )

Top ten sexiest things about summer

2005-11-23T15:23:00.000+10:30

desire feels like your heart melting and running down your navel and pooling warm and liquid around your genitals.

my top ten sexiest things about summer...

one - sundresses and strappy heels

two - lip gloss

three - the bikini

four - alfresco dining at a great restaurant with a sea view

five - gin and tonic with a slice of lemon and sprig of thyme

six - lovemaking under the stars on a balmy evening (sans mosquitos!)

seven - sunshine! (6am till 9pm)

eight - eating a mango

nine - cruising on a motorbike to the beach

ten - diving into the ocean on a hot day

What the?

2005-11-22T15:55:00.000+10:30

I sound like such a Bimbo in this blog!

BIMBO!

But I can't be fucked sounding intellectual.

I'm smart enough. I have a degree, my work involves skill and intelligence...

but I'm also the mother of two and that fries your half your braincells and the other half deteriorate from lack of use.

Maybe anything intellectual floating around in your brain is about as relevant or appropriate as wearing designer clothing or high heels once you become a mother...

God that is so depressing.

I'm going to heel up and go to the supermarket. LOL

Good thing I have a sense of humour or hang on maybe I've finally gone insane, in a good way. Ha hahhahhahahha ha

Ideal Lover

2005-11-21T12:36:00.000+10:30

I just realised that my last post was that cheesy questionnaire result... 10 days ago!
I have come to the conclusion that there is no ideal lover. There have been many people in my life who have come and gone and returned and left and kept in touch and faded away to the merest whisper of a memory...

I'm still addicted to the adrenalin rush of passion though.

Ok who am I kidding, my ideal lover would be;

1 Someone who intuitively understands me and my needs and visa versa

2 Can cook divine! incredible food when the occasion warrants and also really good simple food (i.e. the perfect omelete on a Sunday night)

3 Intellectual and conversational without being a total smart arse!

4 Exquisitely skilled in the art of lovemaking... sigh

5 Broad tanned shoulders and godlike body

6 I'm thinking male because I like cock but lately I'd settle for a girl

7 Sensitive gentle hands that just love to massage, especially backs and feet!

8 Someone who has enough of their own life to leave me to mine when I'm not with them

9 Generous and reliable

10 Honest, passionate, respectful, kind, loving, demonstrative, playful, fun, affectionate, considerate...

Ok that's enough fantasyland...

I think I'm the happiest when I am my own person anyway.

It's finally summer (officially in 9 days!) and the weather has drawn me out of doors to soak up the delicious energy of the sun. Thus the lack of posts.

I went for a walk along my favourite (nudist) beach this morning... It was perfect! I stripped off to get some sun on my arse! Unfortunately my warm, sleepy, basking repose was destroyed by a dirty perverted old man who had the audacity to walk over where I was sunbaking and then stand there and stare at me. I put my clothes on and walked back up the beach. He was lucky I was chilled out by the sea and sun because in anything less than the good mood I was in and I would have thrown sand in his eyes and given him a good kick in the shins! I have no problem with men or women who wander down the beach with their kit off having a good perve as they wander, no problem, but old men, fully clad, walking up to people chilling out on the beach and invading their space that really shits me! In the end I don't really care, they are sad, sad creatures but the next one will experience my wrath!

Sucked in to one of those quiz things

2005-11-11T00:10:00.000+10:30

Your Seduction Style: Fantasy Lover

You know that ideal love that each of us dreams of from childhood? That's you!Not because you posess all of the ideal characteristics, but because you are a savvy shape shifter.You have the uncanny ability to detect someone's particular fantasy... and make it you.
You inspire each person to be an idealist and passionate, and you make each moment memorableEven a simple coffee date with you can be the most romantic moment of someone's lifeBy giving your date exactly what he or she desires, you quickly become the ideal lover.
Your abilities to make dreams come true is so strong, that you are often the love of many people's lives.Your ex's (and even people you have simply met or been friends with) long to be yours.No doubt you are the one others have dreamed of... your biggest challenge is finding *your* dream lover.

What Kind of Seducer Are You?

Expression Métaphorique

2005-11-09T13:07:00.000+10:30

To experience the drama of plate tectonics -- the jostling of the giant plates that carry continents and oceans -- try this experiment: Sit in a comfortable chair, hold your hand out, and watch your fingernails grow. That's about the average speed of a tectonic plate. But wait around long enough, and even the tortoise crawl of plate tectonics will have dramatic and deadly consequences. Though plate tectonics is a global phenomenon and virtually invisible to us in our daily lives, it introduces enormous stresses in the crust where we live. From time to time, stressed-out crust releases the stress in sudden fits: earthquakes.
More frequently than time to time, actually. If you imagine the Earth as a giant bell, it's ringing with earthquakes every second of the day -- from the many imperceptible clinks of microquakes to the deafening gong of very occasional but "great" earthquakes (those of magnitude 8.0 or greater). More here

There is currently a grand fixed cross in the sky. Mars in Taurus, Saturn in Leo, Jupiter in Scorpio and Neptune in Aquarius. Mars rules the day and if you are a fixed sign and feeling streesssssseed! It's the fucking planets. Everyone else if you are feeling streeeeeeeeeeessssssssssed, the moon is passing over the whole, shit-shang caboodle and ramping it up to the max! (i.e. moon/emotions).

Here is a list of de-stressing suggestions...

Watch a sunrise
Go to the beach
Be positive
Sing a song
Pet a dog
Tell a joke
Listen to music
Blow bubbles
Take a nap
Dance a jig
Take a walk
Write a letter
Have a cup of tea
Ask for help
Smile
Take a break
Stretch
Keep a journal
Hum a tune
Meditate
Do Tai Chi
Play a drum
Prioritize
Give a hug
Throw a ball
Play with a child
See a movie
Plant a flower
Say "No"
Set Limits
Eat a snack
Read a book
Practice kindness
Light a candle
Laugh out loud
Lie in the sun
Walk in the rain
Run in the park
Talk to a friend
Take a bubble bath
Avoid negative people
Take a deep breath
Ask for what you need
Go to bed early
Give a compliment
Clean a closet
Go barefoot
Watch a sunset

Fly me to the moon

2005-11-06T09:59:00.000+10:30

O swear not by the moon, th'inconstant moon
That monthly changes in her circled orb,
Lest that thy love prove likewise variable. - Romeo & Juliet

The moon is looking particularly beautiful at the moment, with Venus dazzling like a multifaceted diamond and falling into it's crescent bowl. They are both visible in the afternoon, during sunset and in the early evening.

The issue of reflectors and the four paths to enlightenment

2005-11-04T03:26:00.000+10:30

By Richard Rudd

Since time immemorial, man has hankered after a state of transcendence from the form in which he finds himself locked. This state has been called so many different names - nirvana, moksha, brahman, satori, enlightenment, awakening…This issue of enlightenment is deeply ingrained within the Human Design Revelation. The actual terminology is important here since Design notes a difference between enlightenment and awakening. Awakening is referred to as being in absolute alignment with our original nature. It is as simple as being oneself. Enlightenment is a rather more slanted terminology, since its etymology hints towards the word 'light'. In other words, enlightenment, as a word, can be deeply divisive and misleading.

To dwell within the light is to dwell in an extreme, and many enlightenment teachings over the centuries have sought to escape the darker side of human nature. Awakening is a broader term - you can be awake and in the light or asleep and in the light and you can be asleep in the dark or awake in the dark.Enlightenment, in many ways, is something of a con. The light can be so deceptive; it can so easily draw you away from where you are really meant to be. Most of all, it can prevent you from accepting yourself as you are now. To the Not-Self, enlightenment is the ultimate lure. I have even conned you all by using the term in the title of this article. But Human Design is not concerned with enlightenment. If you awaken, you will attain the states you are meant to attain, at the right times with the right people and in the right places.

Many teachers have over the centuries attempted to categorise the paths to enlightenment and awakening. Buddha himself divided these paths into four broad categories. So often, great cosmic truths arise directly from deep genetic truths. There are four types of vehicle and therefore there are four mechanical paths to awakening (and four types of spiritual propaganda!). They are all rooted in a common theme of surrender:Manifestors are here to surrender to Freedom. The more deeply a manifestor rests in their true nature, the more powerful their urge to be free becomes. By design, manifestors are archetypes of pure freedom, even though within the maya, this is an illusion. For a manifestor, freedom comes before everything, even before love.

The propaganda of manifestors brings us the concept of freewill. This is the 'You create your own Reality' propaganda. This is 'we are the planet of choice'. Spiritually speaking, this is symbolised by the path of Yoga - a proactive path towards awakening (this is 'Yoga' as a teaching rather than the western body-centred discipline). When a manifestor comes to Human Design, they actually appear to make their awakening happen. Given the power of their conditioning, this may not be as easy as it sounds.Generators and Manifesting Generators are here to surrender to the Now. The awake generator actually goes in the opposite direction from the manifestor (albeit to towards the same source). Whereas the awake manifestor takes control of their own life, the awake generator surrenders control. The surrender of response is the continual surrender to the next moment. This is the propaganda of 'nothing is up to me, it's all out of my hands'.

Spiritually speaking, this path is embodied in the Indian Vedic teachings known as 'Advaita', but it can also be found in other teachings such as the Chinese Tao Te Ching, which centres on the concept of 'wu wei' - the art of doing nothing. Since it applies to over 70% of us, it is amusing how unpopular this kind of teaching really is. The Not-Self generator much prefers the manifestor propaganda that says: 'no, I have a choice and I'm going to make a difference!'Projectors are here to Surrender to the Other. Like the generator, the projector has a design to wait. But the awake projector cannot simply wait for the next moment to define them, they are actually defined by their relationships.

Spiritually, this is symbolised by the path of Tantra, the union of two or more energies leading to transcendence (again, this is 'Tantra' in its purest form, rather than the modern western sexual interpretation). The secret of the projector's true path lies in the mastery of the undefined sacral, which always depends on the correct alignment of their own and someone else's energies. The spiritual propaganda of the projector path is all based on cooperation and love. This is the teaching that we are all one and that only by joining together can we attain transcendence. One can see how this is actually the most natural of all teachings, since projectors are the most natural teachers. It is the natural direction of humanity, and yet projectors cannot impose this way on others.Reflectors are here to surrender to their own Existence.

The awake reflector is a living archetype of transcendence. Their very being testifies that there is no individual self. This is symbolised by the spiritual teachings of negation - that all form is emptiness for example, as Buddha taught (one wonders about his design). The myth of Buddha is a wonderful archetype of the reflector - sitting beneath a tree for seven years until the deconditioning reveals the truth that there is no one sitting under the tree after all.

For such a relatively small part of the population, the propaganda of this path is enormous. The reflector's propaganda is the propaganda of enlightenment! They represent the extreme. For a reflector, the repetition of the truth 'this isn't me' directly resonates. Every time the reflector looks in the mirror and identifies with what they see, they stop being a clear mirror for others. The Reflector also bears testimony to a great truth - that beneath our designs, we are that as well. Only when we resonate our designs through our correct path will we become aware of the background emptiness in which we live and move and have our being (symbolised in every channel, gate or centre that we have undefined).

Any awake being, whether manifestor, generator or projector, will attain the same transcendence as the reflector, but each will simply perceive it differently. Our individual path is directly linked to the definitions in our design, which is why the Reflector has no distinct path of their own. Theirs is the so-called 'pathless path'.The Maya in which we live holds such delicious ironies - perhaps the greatest of which is that there is any such thing as awakening, let alone any path towards it. The mystics have always held that we are already awake. And yet, we are each designed to seek out a higher truth. Collectively, humanity is a passage in which a rolling consciousness is flowering. We are all being used by consciousness, whether through the authentic self or the not self. From the viewpoint of pure consciousness, no duality exists, but from our viewpoint within the maya, we are each limited through the perspective of our designs.

There is no spiritual teacher who has ever existed who has not been limited by the perspective of their design. Even the Reflector is limited by seeing things in an unlimited way! I begun this article with the intention of writing about reflectors, and now find that I have in fact written about all the types, and a great deal more. That actually symbolises the reflector beautifully. All the above paths to transcendence have been so deeply intermingled and confused that it extremely difficult for anyone to know which path belongs to them. The Not-Self is generally only comfortable with imitation, which is why it seeks outside authority and a structured path. Everyone these days wants fast food, pre-prepared spirituality.

So, one final caution - especially for those with undefined minds and undefined head centres! All of the confusion about awakening and enlightenment has come about because of the mind. Undefined minds hate to be uncertain, even though it is their nature. And worse still is the undefined head centre. 71% of humanity has an undefined head centre! That means that two thirds of the human race is still trying to figure out questions that do not matter to them. So, if you have an undefined head centre, enjoy the inspiration of teachings and structures, but don't try and work them out. Let time and the simplicity of your strategy answer all these questions for you.

Welcome to Hell

2005-11-03T08:10:00.000+10:30

A heavy thunder breaks the deep lethargy within your head.......causing you to upstart suddenly, like a person who by force is awakened. Before you stands an enormous gate with an inscription that reads:

"Through me the way into the suffering city,
Through me the way to the eternal pain,
Through me the way that runs among the lost.
Justice urged on my high artificer;
My maker was divine authority,
The highest wisdom, and the primal love.
Before me nothing but eternal things were made,
And I endure eternally.
Abandon every hope, ye who enter here."

And I'm relegated to ...

Dante's Second Level of Hell

You have come to a place mute of all light, where the wind bellows as the sea does in a tempest. This is the realm where the lustful spend eternity. Here, sinners are blown around endlessly by the unforgiving winds of unquenchable desire as punishment for their transgressions. The infernal hurricane that never rests hurtles the spirits onward in its rapine, whirling them round, and smiting, it molests them. You have betrayed reason at the behest of your appetite for pleasure, and so here you are doomed to remain. Cleopatra and Helen of Troy are two that
share in your fate.

Yeah that figures, no surprises there. Take the Dante's Inferno Test and see if you will join me in the endlessly unforgiving winds of unquenchable desire... or worse.

http://www.4degreez.com/misc/dante-inferno-test.mv

Moksha and Nirvana

2005-11-02T09:08:00.000+10:30

The doctrine of samsara as it was developed in the Upanishads made the hope of a heaven in which all the sorrows of this world were made good a foreclosed possibility. With the concept of an afterlife in which one simply is reborn time and again because of the actions (karma) one takes in life led Upanishadic thinkers to conceive of moksha, or release from the changing world and the cycle of birth and rebirth.

Buddhism also stressed individual effort in the quest for moksha and placed liberation from samsara as the central goal of its philosophy. Buddha seems to prescribe a form of therapy in the Four Noble Truths, in which he describes the cause of human suffering or impermanence (dukha) in the human desire for permanence and then outlines a method of ridding oneself of one's desire and, therefore, one's suffering or impermanence. For Buddha there was no underlying or fundamental unchanging aspect to the constantly changing universe, so that successful detachment of the self from the world of change was in fact self-extinction (Nirvana). Although this doesn't sound like an attractive alternative to most Westerners, logically it is preferable to an eternity of suffering in a universe of change and illusions.

Disclosure

2005-11-01T23:46:00.000+10:30

This is meant to reveal some of my lesser known personality traits, qualities, strengths and weaknesses. The idea is for you to copy and paste into your blog to reply e.g. my favourite colour is red because... to which you may reply my favourite colour is blue because... Post a link in my comments box. This is not to discover whether we are worthy/not worth the bother, good/bad, compatible/unlikely to get along but to increase our knowledge of each other as friends and cohabitants on this strange planet called earth.

1. I am a Cancerian, born in 1975 and a woman! definately! My full name is Katherine Elizabeth Fitton (that is Fit-ton not Fitten)

2. My favourite colour is red because it is the colour of passion and represents love and life, blood and danger.

3. I masterbate everyday, at least once, sometimes more. I think it is a healthy form of 'self-love' and care as it eases tension, boosts the immune system and floods the body with endorphins.

4. I am a 'feel good' junkie. If it feels good, I'm there. This extends to eating delicious food, drinking wine with a drinking buddy, smoking pot on a lazy afternoon, uncontrollable laughter, sizzling ssssex, hugs, kisses, smiling at strangers, walking in the moonlight along the beach, rolling around on a blanket in the sunshine, taking off my shoes (clothes too) and walking barefoot, eating chocolate cake for breakfast, driving fast (naughty), talking with my mouth full, ignoring people who are rude or have their head stuck up their arse... the list goes on...

5. I can be extremely spoiled, petulant, picky and unable to be pleased if the mood strikes!

6. I have an explosive temper. When I go off, I go off. Things get smashed and there is a lot of yelling.. then sobbing and apologising.

7. I have moments of such introspective, spiritual calm, I feel as if I have ceased to exist - nirvana?

8. I love the beach, getting sandy, wet, salty, hot and burnt(bad tho). I would be happy stranded on an island (as long as I could find something to eat and had a yummy body to indulge my primal instincts with).

9. Sometimes I am happy to share ALL my thoughts, beliefs, feelings with people, even total strangers and other times I lock it all away and say squat. I am a paradox. This doesn't depend on the company I'm in, I'm like this even with my closest friends and family.

10. I have slept with women and men and enjoyed both. I think every person has something that makes them sexy, beautiful, desirable or special.

If you feel brave write your response, secrets, lies whatever...

Tarot Reading

2005-10-30T11:32:00.000+10:30

You'll be endowed with lively enthusiasm and you'll see things with much optimism. You'll be very much surrounded and appreciated by your near ones, for your gentleness and heartedness will always be present. You'll feel overflowing with energy; profit by it so as to finish at the fastest the various projects which you've left pending since a long time, or to make the trip which you've perhaps postponed several times under vaguely plausible pretexts.

XX - Judgment
This card basically means that one can have high hopes for one's love life. Most of the yearnings of one's heart will be fulfilled. For those who live in couple, a new impetus in their conjugal relationships will take place. Habitual misunderstandings or tensions will greatly soften, and tenderness and sensuality will increase substantially. Those who are single will have numerous opportunities to put an end to their loneliness. New encounters will occur, and love at first sight will rather be a matter of course.

XIIII - Temperance
This card basically means that one's affective life will be much more centered on friendship or amorous friendship than on fiery and passionate love. For those who live in couple, faithfulness and the sincerity of the sentiments will appear as a matter of course. Their relationships will evolve in plenitude and mutual understanding, and no cloud will come to cast a shadow on this agreement. Concerning those who are lonely, new encounters will allow for serene, harmonious, and sympathetic relationships. But such relationships may very well remain only at the stage of pure and sincere friendship.

XVIII - The Moon
This card basically means that affairs of the heart will be varied according to different situations. In many cases, there will be doubt about the sincerity of sentiments and misgivings about letting oneself love or be loved. For most of those who live in couple, the Moon will prove favorable to family ties, to faithfulness, to devotion as well as to tenderness and warmth. As for those who are single or who live non legal relationships, the Moon will provoke instability, confused situations, or treacheries.

XXI - The World (or Lady Luck)
This card basically means that one will be in a position to satisfy most of the desires of one's heart. No cloud is likely to come to darken the amorous sky. For those who live in couple, love and tenderness will reign as absolute masters. The time that elapses will strengthen the conjugal relationships more and more. For those who are single, new encounters are quite probable, especially during great and small travels. The new relationships will very rapidly take on importance.

X - The Wheel of Fortune (or The Wheel of Fate)
This card basically means that one can expect much joy and hope in one's love life. There will be a renewal and enhancement of sentiments. For those who live in couple, movement and fancy will come to replace routine and thus will bring about a beneficial change in the habits of their conjugal life. For those who are single or unsatisfied with their present love situation, new encounters are in the offing, allowing for the hope of happy relations. But one should not be too optimistic as such relations will be subjected to many ups and downs.

Little Alice Hops into the Looking Glass

2005-10-26T11:52:00.000+09:30

We don't see things as they are, we see things as we are. - Anais Nin

i think i can relate to anais nin. but i feel so alone. not lonely just alone and i've got jeff buckley (grace) on repeat. thinking thinking thinking thinking thinking thinking... round and round the merry-go-round whirls and twirls and i hang on and lean out and life becomes a blur of colour, giddy, dizzy, sickening momentum until i lean in and i'm perched on a horse and its going slow and up and down and going nowhere...

Hopeful Pessimist or Wary Optimist?

2005-10-26T11:19:00.000+09:30

PRAYER
Bring me ashore where you are that I may still be with you, and at rest.
Your name on my lips, with thankfulness, my name on yours, with love.
That I may live in light and know no terror of the dark; but that I live in light.
When I achieve quiet, when I am in attendance, be present to me, as I will be to you.
That I may hear you, like a lover, whisper yes but that you whisper yes.
Be close to my life, my loves, as lost son to mother,as lost mother to son. But be close.
Come to me on days of heat with the cool breathing of white wine, on cold with the graced inebriation of red. But that you come.
That you hold me in a kindly hand but that you hold me.
Do not resent me when I fail and I fail, and I fail, and I fail.
That I may find the words.
That the words I find to name you may approach the condition of song.
That I may always love with the intensity of flowers but that I love, but that I always love.
- John F. Deane

How many times do you hold on when your need is to let go?

How do you hold onto something that does not exist?

Looking at the promise of dreams spoken, hoped for, is illusion,

a hopeless illusion.

I wouldn't want to change anything

him, me.

it works or it doesn't but it is

defying physical definition

to be

something

what is it?

And where do I go now...

where will this journey take me

I take the first step and wait for the unfolding of what will be.

The Universe

2005-10-21T21:12:00.000+09:30

The eclipse

2005-10-17T16:06:00.000+09:30

A rocket launched full moon, jet fuel fired blast of heat that seared their upturned faces as it blasted to space. Twisted thoughts wickering and wrapping like melted singed hair sticking around earth bound bodies, aftershock thrusting astral ether downward driving emotional waves dipping steep troughs plunging down listing upward. Sizzzle fizzle steeeamm. Fury fire passion thought turning looking glass of souls cavorting legs wrapping tongues kissing licking sliding tasting drinking sip lick eat devour. Sweet salt sour. Yin and calm green and cool to Yang and pulsing fiery orange sun blazing on corrugated iron. Hands exploring body forms fingers lifting lingering feeling grasping cries of pleasure desire red velvet rubbing stroking slinky pink satin pale white silk rainbow euphoria of orgasm groaning exploding heat volcanic lava flows through the lingering light of the stained glass cathedral window of moon glowing pulling tides dragging dreaming wishing light lingering to fade before dawn blasts a heated furnace of light on tortured eyelids.

Mars (in Taurus) Retro

2005-10-06T21:22:00.000+09:30

Mars is looming close to the earth in the east.

Mystic Medusa's F.Y.I. Retro-Mars Tips

Non-Productive Ways Of Dealing With Retro-Mars:
* Bitching.
* Paranoia re things cannot change.
* Guilting children for being selfish little merdes.
* Corrective Nagging of Overlings to ensure they recognise your 'worth'.
* Scheming vastly inappropriate seductions.
* Sulking on couch watching naff television and eating crap genetically modified irradiated whatever food.

Productive Uses of Retro-Mars In Taurus.
* Sex
* Gardening
* Martial Arts
* Cultivating art of serene patience sans biting fingernails to quick.

Yum!

2005-09-27T20:20:00.000+09:30

Into every life a little rain must fall

2005-09-25T14:08:00.000+09:30

It's a rainy, moody Cancerian day. In my nest, cooking biscotti, working the dough until it clings to every edge of my fingers. The smell of chocolate and flour and almonds... I can sense my internal frown working it's way outward to my brow. No amount of pummeling this dough will ease my inner turmoil. I feel so overwhelmed with conflicting emotion. I love my kids, my partner... yet I'm so troubled by this desire to escape, find myself, something or someone whom I have been looking for all my life. I get a glimmer of satisfaction, feel settled, like my life has purpose and then all of a sudden one day something happens, significant, insignificant and I don't know who I am anymore, and I'm back to searching again... Will I be like this the rest of my life, a wandering spirit? pulled between my love for my family and my desire to go and find something, be something... I just need to bleed. Please god let me bleed...

and make the sun shine again...

Mysterious Skin

2005-09-22T11:26:00.000+09:30

Mysterious Skin is definitely a film I would recommend, although it's not for the faint hearted. It was extremely confronting and disturbing in many regards. The lovely sensitive Cancerian man who was watching the film with me broke down at the end and in many ways I wish I had the nerve to do that in public, because it did warrant a flood of tears. The man behind us grunted that he was going to find a beer and just disappeared out the cinema, leaving his companions. Very sad. If anything it highlighted the massive responsibility in raising children, their emotional, physical and mental health later in life depends so much on adequate love and care during every second that they are developing as children, through adolescence and finally emerging into adulthood.

In the frontline was pedophilia, and it is hard to look beyond that and the other brutal forms of abuse depicted in the film, but the apathy of a parent who is not physically or emotionally present during time with their child is just as abusive and in many ways the physical abuse of Brian is not the only thing that traumatises him. His relationship with his mother is a close one, she instinctively understands his needs and is sympathetic to them. His father is passive aggressive, eventually leaving the family and shows surprise and resignation when his son finally confronts him with his anger and wanting to know 'what happened to him' to make him the way he is. His father has no bloody idea, and it seems that he doesn't care or doesn't know how to deal with parenthood and actually being emotionally available for his son. His background, the parts of his personality that make him unable to be there as a father, a good male role model, comfortable in his masculinity, yet sensitive to the needs of his children, are not given any film time, but I feel that is a massive problem in society and why, in many cases, more violent and extreme cases of abuse happen.

Neil's father is totally absent, with no explanation given, except from comments made by his mother "You are mine and I love you, don't you ever forget that!" Her frequent sexual liaisons with men that don't develop into long term relationships or friendships expose Neil to explicit sexuality without love and stability from a very early age. His path into his life as a teenage hustler is set and feels natural to him, until the demons start screaming his name and he sees his decline toward a hell he can't even imagine. Finding an uneasy, spiritual awakening with his connection with a man dying from AIDS in a room overwhelmed with (a copy?) of Vermeer's Girl With A Pearl Earring. The concern of his mother, his best friends warnings (she describes him as a person with a black hole where his heart should be) fall on deaf ears until circumstances force him to wake up and confront his past in a totally different way to Brian.

I think also discussing your childhood, learning to confront and deal with the past and make a new start where you become aware of your past and learn the lessons that pain and trauma has brought you and keep your heart open and free despite the conditioning. I don't know. It's a scary world. It's frightening how abuse perpetuates abuse and people lose hope of finding redemption... This year my best friend's brother committed suicide, his childhood of abuse, his guilt and isolation around his sexuality was something that just became too much to deal with. Who knows what he was thinking, he was a beautiful, interesting, creative, sensitive young man, almost 28. Even I could relate to many aspects of this film, not only as a parent, but as a little girl suffering abuse at the hands of someone my parents trusted. The repercussions of that I still have to deal with. We all do. Everyone has their skeletons, I think one must never forget that. Sometimes it is easy to see the bigger picture, understand how this impacts and it's significance, other times the utter hopelessness of loss of innocence, betrayal and anger is something that threatens to swamp the boat.

I think I will be thinking about this for a long time, maybe the rest of my life.

Venus in Scorpio

2005-09-16T11:43:00.000+09:30

Philip Sedgwick is an astrologer who specialises in black holes. I am fairly sure it was him who put it about that President Bush has his Mars in a black hole...Anyway, he has this to say "As this week begins, Venus straddles a potent black hole in Libra asking, “So, is a relationship (or life situation) that fails to give you what you want worth it?” She knows the answer and she won’t stick around to hear it. She sashays off to slip into something intense, like Scorpio. If you like intensity that runs free of the impossible traps of jealousy, possessiveness, territoriality and control issues, you’ll be blissed out by unlimited surges of passion, sensual pleasures and most idealistically, an evolved state of ecstasy. Does ecstasy bring evolution or does evolution bring ecstasy? “Oh yeah,” Venus reminds us all, “If you’re in situations that can’t do it for you, expect that the upside leans toward lower realms.” Then, she smiles and advises, “You know what you really crave. Go get it.” Hmm." More Philip here
Thanks Mystic I knew there was some venus/scorp thang going down when I pick up a reprinted 1970's essay 'Fetish' for casual bedside reading. Hang onto your whips and rubber - yahoo!
Well behaved women seldom make history.

Top 10 Fantasy Occupations

2005-09-15T15:56:00.000+09:30

1 Fireman - 'Oh help me, help me, big strong fireman in your flame-retardant suit with your long hose, that strong, sculpted body striding with purpose on your rescue mission. Look into my big, brown vulnerable eyes and sweep me off my feet because suddenly my knees are weak. Rescue me 'cause I AM ON FIRE BABY!' yum oh yummy yum yum.

2 Humanities Teacher - Smart, sexy, feminine, gliding the floor, writing words on the blackboard to emphasise your point; 'The human race is powered by DESIRE, what compels us to ACHIEVE, to GAIN, to HAVE is LUST and an innate instinct to POSSESS...' Your demure clothing hides underwear that slides silkily over your erogenous zones as you walk and you smile your secret smile as 15 year old boys hide their erections under a textbook. yummmmmm

3 DJ - You stand alone, in a sea of souls, spinning your web of euphoria, your spiral of throbbing climaxes, pulsating beats and undulating grooves. You command the room and the crowd, bringing to the edge, teasing, pushing, driving onward to exploding orgasm. Everybody wants to FUCK THE DJ! I did and then I married him and had his babies LOL.

4 Artist/Poet - The vulnerability and sensitivity of your soul is brought out from deep, dark, hidden depths into your work. You exude creativity and everything about life is seen through keenly observant eyes and expressed in a tangible, yet poetic form. Your beauty is beguiling, enchanting, heart-explodingly passionate. The passion of life is expressed in every moment you exist. Beautiful words, beautiful images are infinitely arousing.

5 Billionaire - MONEY talks, money makes me WETTTTT because it buys the kind of misery that I adore. Fast cars, designer clothing, 5 star food, yachts, the Mediterranean Sea...

6 Waitress - Cute, sassy, enigmatic, flirty, sliding between tables, catching an eye, turning, finding, coming to attend to the details of dining, bringing sumptuous tastes and flavour, stimulating appetite for other things...

7 Doctor - Anyone who studies anatomy for 5 years has gotta know what's going on with bodies. Check out a doctor's hands. Better still feel them all over your body. There is a God...

8 Archeologist/Explorer - You know the dark mysteries of nature, Your conversation is full of endlessly fascinating topics, theories, unsolved riddles. There is an exotic scent wafting from you that envelopes and lingers, of far-off places, desert dust, deep, cave cool, musky, tropical sweat... Delicious.

9 Dancer - Your grace and sinuous movement is transported through life. You walk into a room like you were walking onto a stage. Your clothing and jewels hang from your body with the ephemeral enchantment of a spider web covered in raindrops. You're beautiful, you're delicate and you are way out-of-reach and that is sooooo tempting.

10 Cowgirl - You know how to ride, you can drink with the best of them and you work damn hard. Under that tough image there is a little princess just waiting to be discovered. You are so beautiful even when you are covered in mud and cowshit. Here let me help you out of those dirty clothes and into a warm, rose-scented bath...

The big O

2005-09-13T20:04:00.000+09:30

by Ruth Ostrow

There are not just sexual orgasms but many things that make us explode in euphoria.
Things that make our hearts pump, flush our systems with oxygen and fresh blood, unblock stagnant energy and keep us thriving.
Gourm-gasms of the tongue when we taste something gourmet that makes our tastebuds climax.
Ear-gasms on hearing exquisite music.
Eye-gasms on seeing beauty.
Laugh-gasms, itch-gasms.
Dance-gasms, as our bodies move in erotic exotic rhythm with our heartbeat.
We should never deny ourselves orgasms of any kind.
Ever.

Avarice may be considered one of the Seven Deadly Sins, but I see hunger and appetite as a display of exuberance and sensuality.
A metaphor for being a lover of life, for joie de vivre.
For grasping life with both hands.
It's the laughing Buddha,
big-bellied, big-hearted.

appetite connotes ripeness, richness,
voluptuousness and fecundity.
My most self-indulgent friends are always the most generous and joyous of souls, spilling over with abundance.

Sex in a white coat?

2005-09-12T16:01:00.000+09:30

Venus is in Scorpio.

"A sexy mind is one of the most under-valued of all erotic tools. I don't call my inner world filthy. I call it glorious." Dr Marta Frid, psychologist.

Stream of consciousness, sex sex sex. Thank god! I thought I'd left my libido at the supermarket.

And I picked up some gynae speak today as I consulted my ob/gyn doctor re: having my tubes clipped to stop those fertile little eggses! While having a (thoughtfully) warmed steel speculum stuck up my most privates, I meet a lovely young American intern from San Francisco who oohed and ahhed over my entire sexual, fertility, personal, physical history and the state of my cervix in all it's healthy, young, fertile post partum glory. How fantastic for him.

Weird to indulge in such private conversation with a total stranger and a man at that. He was very interested! I like men that are interested in women's business. He got off on the right foot with me, just as I was going to tell him to get lost and send in my doctor, he said that I could tell him to get lost if I wanted to. Am I that easy to read? He a nerdy, nervous sort and clearly uncomfortable at his placement in Women's Health. Oh what fun! I do feel a little fond and motherly toward passive men. I think as far as the doctor/patient fantasy goes, I want to be the doctor. Control Freak strikes again...

Dr Kate Sex(y) Therapist.

Current Obsession

2005-09-12T14:11:00.000+09:30

Hokuto is a foxy babe! The following is from a fansite, twas itching to edit it tho, - control freak! Ho I know another yummy mint green eyed, black haired aqua girl! You know who baby :-*

romanized full name Sumeragi Hokuto (Hokuto Sumeragi)
meaning 'Hokuto' in japanese means 'north star' and 'Sumeragi' means 'emperor'
age 16 in 1991 (born in 1975)
zodiac acuarius (20 january~19 february)
eyes mint green
hair black
siblings she has a twin (Sumaru Sumeragi, main character of Tokyo Babylon) and a grandmother, but there is no data a bout her (their) parents.
birthplace Tokyo, Japan
Hokuto is such a fashion victim, follower of worldwide tendendes, and she loves it. She always want to be pretty and surprising, and she does it: she has a witty conversation (she talks a lot), liks jokes and knows about the latest life & world's topics, as millenarism or astrology (don't forget what's Tokyo Babylon context).
Instead her look she thinks more than it could seem. She is owner of some magic powers and can do a few spells (using her lipstick, like in SMILE annex) although nothing compared to her brother's habilities. Out of it, she practices martial arts (or something similar because I couldn't discover which) and has great psysical attitudes. A curious thing is she wants to beacome a housewife. She's often cooking for Subaru and Seishiro, and it seems she's pretty good at (at least Seishiro flatteres her constantly). Hokuto is very affectionate with Subaru and she worry about him instead she anjoys embarrassing him and she imposes herself to look after her forgetful twin.

Salt

2005-09-12T09:31:00.000+09:30

Two days after my carpets were cleaned I was hit blindside by a hideous virus. One afternoon days later as I was having a nap, I heard this little voice... MR curious (almost 3) wanting to know if I could put his nappy back on. I opened my foggy eyes and stared in sleepy abstraction at this little kid with a tshirt on holding up his nappy. HUh?! He had decided to use the potty. Hooray! the child is showing positive signs to toilet train. Then I came out to the lounge room and there were little 'puddles' over the carpet. ARGH!!! (silent because I didn't want to discourage the little devil and set back toilet training till highschool).

Then about 10 minutes later, after sponging ineffectually at the carpet, I discovered the salt dish. The dish of flaky seasalt usually sits on the table but was on the floor? Soggy. OK that one sent me over the edge. Poor kid. But honestly how weird is it to climb up to the table to get the salt dish to pee in? My family's freaky behaviour. I think he has a salt thing because when I was eating my breakfast with him the other day, I left my cereal for about 5 minutes to do something, change Faith or something and when I came back and shovelled a mouthful in it was so salty I spat it back into the bowl. Mr Naughty curious devil child had emptied the salt dish into my cereal bowl. Ha bloody ha. He was killing himself trying to contain erruptions of laughter.

Spring at Willow

2005-09-08T13:41:00.000+09:30

The willow tree, symbol of moon cycles and water, emotional healing, intuition and divine feminine spirit. Our willow tree is bursting with bud. To the Chinese the willow is the symbol of spring. According to Chinese mythology, little wood rabbits like me are lucky in spring. Today is probably the first really, warm day and the sunshine is delicious. James brought me a little cocoon of a flower slowly turning inside out, where the seam is bursting, blossom erupts out. As these flowers wither, their pale yellow darkens, browns and falls like dried animal droppings, the tree shoots leaf after leaf after leaf until it becomes a shady pavilion, an upside-down, green flokati rug.

The willow is to the north-west of the house and over summer it mercifully shelters the tiny (paper insulated) cottage. As the long days of autumn stretch out and the nights become cooler the leaves begin to turn golden and fall en masse to cover the driveway, the lawn, the gutters. The golden branches drop and turn brown and the silent sentenial of the seasons remains dormant over the chilly winter, allowing in the fleeting, feeble sunshine at moments when you just can't live through another grey, cold day.

Willow is a place of trees, the everlasting strength and fortitude of the pine bordering the long, curving driveway. Sheltering us from the north-east and offering some privacy from our closest neighbour. This time of the year the trees sheltering the eastern corner all take it in turns providing us with a show of blossom, snow white, pale cream, soft pinks. The apple blossom is starting to burst along with the willow. I love the apple tree, the smooth, low branches remind me of hours spent tree climbing as a little girl. The cool, solid feel of living wood along my body as I lay, head turned to look as far as I could, almost to the sea. All it will take is a good day or two of warm wind and the plum will be bare of it's white, snowy canopy.

It is very peaceful to be surrounded by the energy of trees.

Like a virgin...

2005-08-30T14:10:00.000+09:30

I am cleaning, organising, dusting, rearranging furniture, running around with a tape measure around my neck. The carpet cleaner came today and the carpet is clean! With the current Virgo vibe I was reaching for my diary to book him in for end of Summer but calmed myself by stashing his 'details' away in my check book. So I know when it was last done and I can call from the check book to book so it doesn't get put off for another 3 years. 3 years!!

I feel repulsed at the thought that my carpets haven't been professionally steamed for three years. I feel oh so virtuous, so Virgo as I pile up my heap of multi vitamins, rotating my zinc and iron supplementation to get the most from them. I think the iron prevents the zinc from being absorbed.

clean
tweak
arrange
move
move back
sort
perfect
health
must
perfect
health

Innocence Found

2005-08-25T17:44:00.000+09:30

Phillip Adams speaking in the Weekend Australian Magazine, p 46, August 20 - 21 2005.
Every kid, given half a chance, wants to be a kid. At least some of the time. My 13-year-old - very mature, well read, widely traveled and politically progressive - regards her Dad with the familiar teenage mixture of amused tolerance and mild embarrassment. Yet in a flash she'll revert to the little girl who loved to giggle, be scared by ghost stories and climb trees. There's still an innocence and equally precious, a sense of wonderment.

Saturday 20th August 2005

Innocence, what is that these days? When the news candidly features all manner of horrors, and the internet creates easy access to a whole cornucopia of sexual deviations, are we any wiser by being informed? Does this create hyped up fears about the world we live in, confusion about our sexuality?

On the road, traveling always makes me nostalgic. I'm writing this the old fashioned way, pen and notepad, as we travel 550 kms into the heart of the country. Destination: Prairie Hotel, Parachilna, Flinders Ranges, South Australia.

I'm taking a new perspective. My kids are healthy, well adjusted, respectful. My partner is loving, patient and genuinely supportive.

Maybe it's time to leave behind the existential crisis. Time to gaze in wonderment at the silver lining. Naivety has it's merits. Innocence has a quality of hopeful anticipation that is refreshing to the soul.

I'm so tired of baracading myself against failure, disappointment and the evening news.

I am going to start looking through the hopeful, optimistic, eyes of a child. Live fully in the moment, turn off my mobile phone sometimes and start to look forward to what my family, friends, my life and all it's experiences has to teach me. Accept what comes with grace and a benevolent heart.

Full Moon Madness

2005-08-19T11:31:00.000+09:30

Taking a moment to stop and write because it is good therapy to get this merde out. I have contacted two clients today who are either broke or too busy to get together for me to do the work they want me to do. I'm crossing off my source of income down the list. It's torrentually raining, cold, grey and miserable. Fitting.

I need some sun. Going away is looking up, at least by travelling further north I will be getting closer to the sun. And there is nothing here for me to do at present but get myself into a deeper state of depression.

As if on cue it rains harder.

This full moon I have shed tons of tears. Swinging between wanting to disappear from this planet and curl up in someone's lap and not move. I am isolating myself out of sympathy to anyone coming in contact with my emotionally instability.

I am taking up too much psychic space, it's dark sunglasses day (will blog about the concept of dark sunglasses, soul windows etc some day).

I'm going to go and cheer myself up with some caffeine and then work my way down this list that I wrote in desperation to somehow centre myself and get my head together...

Just looked at my little sakura (cherry blossom) sleeping in her cot with the cat snuggled up to her for warmth and companionship. My heart melted, exploded with love and happiness. She is so beautiful like sunshine on a cloudy day.

Starlore

2005-08-18T23:51:00.000+09:30

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Love yourself first. And whenever the terms of an encounter coax you into making pledges or pleas that call the prioritized primacy of your self-care into question—and you'll recognize the symptoms of mystical ringing-in-your-ears and knotty doesn't-feel-quite-right stomach somersaults—then kindly excuse yourself and regroup until your protective boundaries are back in place. Some of your star-sign siblings are getting rather pushy and probing lately, and the only way for a sensitive Cancerian to weather their abrasive attitudes is to seek brief flashes of bliss in sanctuaries of your choosing. These places (whether real locations or metaphoric mind-states) exist to remind you of your purest Self, and to alleviate the pressures from others on you to be who they want or need you to be. If you can't regularly retreat from their insatiably grabby hands, you'll too easily fall under the spell of defining yourself solely as a nurturer of others… and be left wondering when someone will be coming to your support.

Disclosure

2005-08-18T21:32:00.000+09:30

Today my thoughts are banging around in my head like a never-ending playground of dodgem cars.

My children are products of my own body, your blood is my blood, your flesh comes from mine. Then why am I wanting to run a mile from myself?

I am suffering. I need a break from motherland. I need to go somewhere very quiet and rest from the demands of this family. Find myself again. I think the three to nine months stretch is the hardest part of having a baby, six months that will stretch you to the point of breaking. It's a combination of factors; interrupted sleep every night, constant adjustments to new stages of development, loss of autonomy, low income which, lets face it, does define our value in this society.

What I have to look forward to tomorrow is fitting in a trip to see a client for new signage, ring three others to organise a start on their contracts and running around getting packed for my family to go away while managing a baby who I'm weaning and introducing to solid food, while organising her to begin (one day) of childcare soon (this involves familiarisation visits and about twenty pages of paperwork) so my career can start to flow on when I get back, no wonder I'm so schizo. Then early Saturday morning when I will be feeling very tired and grumpy I get to pile into a car and spend about 6 hours in a confined space with them. It makes me want to throw up. I feel sick at the thought.

If I have to change one more shitty nappy, scrape saliva-thinned food off my shoe, wipe vomit off my shoulder while talking with a client on the phone, I am going to go and shoot myself. I have nightmarish hallucinations of bottles going around inside the microwave, the seconds counting down to a 'ping', along with the clunk of the washing machine and the scatchy rip of velcro nappy tabs.

My intimate life is so fucked over I can't even abandon myself to pleasure anymore. Not for lack of partner but because I just don't feel like it anymore. Six months of breast feeding and the thought of anyone touching my boobs, or even eyeballing them is enough for me to lock myself in a dungeon. Don't touch me, just don't fucking touch me.

I don't want to go out anymore in public with my kids, people stop me all the time and tell me how 'lucky' I am to have such well behaved, beautiful children. Is all this time, this love, this draining, life sapping devotion worth it just to have pin up kids? AM I doing this just to have pin up kids? I feel like such a fake when I parrot back 'Yes I am lucky'.

Then I start beating myself up for not being a good enough mother, not loving it and it's constant demand that makes me put myself last time and time again. When it gets to 11 am and I have had enough time to get up, change nappies, clothes on kids, jump in the shower, towel dry myself while answering 20 assorted questions shot from the curious mr 2 and a half and juggling a grizzly miss 6 months. Feed him, feed her (it takes excruciating patience and perseverance to feed a baby beginning solid food), change nappies, put her down for a sleep, almost pass out with hunger, bite my tongue when mr insatiably curious asks me for the 100th time what something is, mid shovelling my mouth full of muesli, then cursing at the time and shoving him toward the car, he starts wailing because I lifted him into his seat and he wanted to get in himself. Drag him out, help him back in, run back to get miss 6 months who is now very cranky at being left for exactly 5 minutes on her own, juggling her, and nappy bags, shopping bags, other misc but necessary items (books and cars for him, chewable toy and blanket for her).

Running back to close the front door I glance at the clock and I'm running about a half an hour late. I get back to the car and the unmistakable smell of shit fills the closed confines. I can smell the difference between my children's shit - amazing hey. Its mr curious, I ask him if he has done a poo and he looks at me sideways and says 'no'. I wrestle him out of his seat, unlock the front door and frogmarch him into his room to change his nappy, him protesting the whole way and then telling me he is hungry on the way back out the door. It's lunch time by now and I have got exactly squat done for the day. I give him a snack for the car and on the way he asks for his water cup. I can see it in my head sitting on the kitchen table. They both fall asleep by the time I get to the shops. I stare at their beautiful, peaceful, angelic faces.

I feel like crying, I feel like screaming, I feel like walking away but I can't because I am their mother and they need me and I love them and they are my life now.

Now my partner has just stomped off to bed angry with me because I asked him to knock on my studio door before barging in to say goodnight and scaring the bejesus out of me.

I don't feel so good tonight because not only do I feel exhausted, in need of a break, broke, and alone but I now know that this holiday is going to totally suck because the man I married has been replaced by someone I don't know anymore and the girl he married is a distant memory. It's like sharing a bed with a stranger. I don't know how to make this ok anymore. I don't know what is left when love doesn't feel enough to hold two people together long enough to get through this tough time. And if we get through will it be enough to sigh with relief and part ways or will we engage in one of those 'hell on earth' separations that fuck up parents and children alike? I think getting married is like handing someone the most vulnerable parts of your soul and saying 'here look after this for me, will you?' It reminds me of a plant I forgot to water and it died. I kept watering it for a long time after hoping it would shoot a few leaves, give me a sign that it was ok, going to keep growing. It never did.

Parallel Universe

2005-08-16T21:56:00.000+09:30

Drunk dialing, drunk blogging...

I have consumed half a bottle of very good red wine and because I have spent the last 3 years being relatively kind to my liver (because I have been carrying/feeding little babies) I am now under the influence. Alcohol makes me a. Mad and Bad b. Lustful c. Verbose d. Witty (until I sober up and realise how a. boring I am b. rude I am c. drunk I was).

On second thought cross out Lustful. 'Thanks for the offer but I'm happy masturbating. I know what I like and I don't have the energy to pump up your penis (read ego).'

I'm about to start work for the night. My second born is about to start childcare in a few weeks so my moonlighting career can take it's rightful place, in daylight hours.

And here comes Spring.

Little buds peeking tentatively from the ends of the willow branches
swelling moon sits pregnant in the early evening
pink, longer, light, lingering
Blossom scatters across the back door
like joyfully strewn confetti
There is change on the breeze
a fresh
clean
fragrant
green scent
Hope pushes upward
with bulbs long dormant
cleaving open the dark, damp earth
the heady smell of narcissis
drinking water
in the vase on the windowsill

For the first day, for as long as I can remember, the sun shone. (It probably wasn't THAT long ago but sex and sun, if it's not happening on a daily basis, I'm lamenting it's absence.)

I got all imbibed with enthusiasm to put tons of washing through the machine and then as the first cycle spun out the neighbours fired up a big pile of green stuff to burn off (not fun green stuff either). The smoky, sweet smell wafted over the property boundaries, uninvited. I allowed myself an (unevolved) moment of feeling a little shitty about that. But it gave me the excuse to procrastinate, brew myself a coffee and sit sleepy-eyed in the sun for a few minutes observing them poking and piling on more green fuel with the watchful ambivalence of a well-fed cat looking a bird cluelessly sitting within range.

The first wash is still in the machine because I am not grounded enough to concentrate on such mundane necessities as doing my washing. I am not the domestic goddess I aspire to.

I WANT MY OWN PLANET! Invitation only.

I still feel so Leo. Love it. Spent some time with a Leo today. It was his birthday. We went for a stroll around the property, smoking cigars. He asked me if I could be nice, even if I didn't feel nice, I said, 'No, take me as I am, or fuck off, this is my house... happy birthday by the way, wanna beer?'.

I could have had a frustrating day today but I chose not too. I side stepped my usual/premeditated/and unconscious reactions to detatch and let life flow instead of holding on like a freaking dictator. And now I'm sobering up and I am going to go and be productive and shut the fuck up.

PS I was going to write some really amazing prose about parallel universe, i.e. how my day could have gone x 2 but it came to me when I was driving and the brilliant insight has now left the building. Memory loss, is that a survival instinct? My Dad informed me that it is scientifically proven that women who have given birth have lost part of their brain function. Thanks Dad, very reassuring!

Live for the moment

2005-08-16T13:13:00.000+09:30

Every moment in the present is equally as important, and we should refrain from living as if some supposedly-less-significant points in time exist merely as thruways from one supposedly-more-consequential event to another. (This awareness should help, for instance, ease the frustration of sitting in traffic in your car. After all, the seats are comfy and the music's good.) I think his point is well taken. I always gain a lot when I can cease obsessively dwelling on my intended destination and take the time to enjoy the journey. The scenery is beautiful, and the pace more pleasant.
More wisdom from astrobarry

Slowly uncurling, quietly she whispers

2005-08-14T23:30:00.000+09:30

Friendship brings great happiness with little gestures

baci wrapper wisdom, cafe latte, wine or two, girlfriend to cry, laugh, bitch and heal with. Love you bella! I'd have topped myself long ago if it weren't for my sisters...

Goodbye

2005-08-11T22:45:00.000+09:30

Black Tuesday

2005-08-09T17:19:00.000+09:30

I am having a shit-fucked fucking fuck of all fuck days...

Tried positive thinking early am, didn't work.

No one can rescue me from myself now.

Bring on the negativity, in one big tipper truck dump of shit/merde/crapola. I want to roll in it until I am as ugly and stinking as a rotting corpse.

This is possibly the best insult I have ever read and I would like to have the guts to use it sometime soon to someone who fucking deserves it. Along with some tyre slashing, and face spitting. Oh Aries moon you are a scary, scary battle-scarred gladiator when aroused.

Sit jou kop is die koei se kont en wag tot die bul jou kom holnaai
Put your head in a cow's vagina and wait until a bull penetrates your anus.

Today is a day that I am in the mood to burn the mother fucker of all bridges, with 100 mega tons of dynamite. So long arsehole!

I'm not scared of intimacy, I'M NOT!

2005-08-08T21:06:00.000+09:30

Push by Sarah McLachlan

Every time I look at you the world just floats away
All my troubles all my fears dissolve in your affection
You've seen me at my weakest but you take me as I am
And when I fall you offer me a softer place to land
You stay the course you hold the line you keep it all together
You're the one true thing I know I can believe in
You're all the things that I desire you save me you complete me
You're the one true thing I know I can believe
I get mad so easy but you give me room to breathe
No matter what I say or do 'cause you're too good to fight about it
Even when I have to push just to see how far you'll go
You won't stoop down to battle but you never turn to go
You stay the course you hold the line you keep it all together
You're the one true thing I know I can believe in
You're all the things that I desire you save me you complete me
You're the one true thing I know I can believe
Love is just the antidote when nothing else can cure me
There are times I can't decide when I can't tell up from down
You make me feel less crazy when otherwise I'd drown
But you pick me up and brush me off and tell me I'm okay
Sometimes that's just what we need to get us through the day
You stay the course you hold the line you keep it all together
You're the one true thing I know I can believe in
You're all the things that I desire you save me you complete me
You're the one true thing I know I can believe.

Thanks Harry!

Cancer with Sagittarius Rising (read oxymoron)

2005-08-08T20:15:00.000+09:30

Michael Lutin, once again spot on... Stop it you are weirding me out...
You're fabulous and giving everybody the impression that you've got it together. Underneath, however, you're definitely not sure right now who you are or where you're really going. To any observer who can look deeply, it's clear that you are not really as comfortable in any group situation as you seem, mainly because you feel that you may be floundering, yet again. Could you be craving an intimacy that has not eluded you as much as it is that you're scared of what true intimacy could do to your independence, an independence that is proving to be not as fulfilling as you once thought?
Evolved Cancers need a decent home and decent relationships with the family. And you know what a horrendous challenge that can be sometimes, especially when you are trying to plug up leaks and keep the roof from falling in, or when loved ones drive you up the wall with their freaky antics. So it's not surprising that you are trying to do doing everything possible to cover up a loneliness you feel sitting there in your living room, surrounded by all the things you have always thought you wanted. That's because you have a job to do out in the world. Get out of the house and go do it.
Ah yeah thanks...

New Moon in Leo

2005-08-08T00:09:00.000+09:30

My second sweat for my new year began with the usual rush of energy and sickly anticipation. It was f**king cold standing outside the lodge on the rocky ground and I felt like jumping up and down with impatience, eager to enter as the shaman explained the basic rules and ritual of the sweat to some first timers. There was quite a crowd and we entered one by one, bending, kneeling and acknowledging the earth before crawling around the inside to our places, hip to hip. I waited to enter to place myself in the north east corner, east representing new beginnings, the north, courage to face fears and take the journey.

As the sweat progressed I turned my face and mind's eye to the east to visualise my journey. There was no ambiguity here as I have glimpsed this path thought the last moon cycle. As we reached the north I bowed my head to the waves of heat that were emanating from the centre of the earth. HOT! My ears felt like they were burning and my immediate thought was "I wish I had more hair." I stilled myself to receive as much insight as possible and did not join in the chanting, focusing on my breathing and entering a still, gentle meditative state. We left the north. I returned to my oak forest, leading my panting horse by the reins, walking softly on the forest floor in my leather boots. As we approached the west I entered a cave and the centre of the earth, the dark, deep womb of all creation, set in the heavens, in galaxies, everything spun around me from that point. I saw the universe as an infinite spiral, stretching out as far as I could fathom. I climbed the spiral slowly looking up, up, up towards billions of stars, reaching my hands up to receive my gift. From the darkness fell a big bag of money. I stopped arrested. Dropped my hands. Plonked down on my arse. Money? That's not spiritual, not exceptional. It landed softly in my lap, falling into the resting place that my drawn up legs contained. I looked down and laughed. Thankful, grateful for this gift. I realised my contempt for something precious - abundance and welcomed the blessing as a gift that would enable me to continue this journey. I said a quick prayer, thankful. Asking for the opportunity to use this abundance for the good of mankind and for it to be taken should I abuse it or neglect my responsibility to myself and those I love.

As we left the west and travelled into the east I walked out the cave into the bright light. As my eyes adjusted I whistled softly to my horse and strapped the full bag of money over the saddle. I mused to myself, wondering where the source of this fortune could have come from. As I travelled along the sun dappled path I realised the abundance of my life. The food that sustains my body, the air that keeps me alive, the love that nurtures me within and the creativity that I can freely express in my work, my family. The joy of relating and friendship and I stopped there to whisper thanks to those that are together with me and far away. For the opportunity to connect, even for a short time, to love, to feel, to let go. I felt alive and free and as merry as if I had consumed a whole bottle of red wine and a big chocolate cake.

I crawled out though the doorway into the cold night, breathing in the clean air, less biting, beautifully refreshing. Standing in the vineyard, I thought to myself "Dionysus would be looking down with delight at the beautiful glowing white bodies of earth angels and nymphs woven through the ordered rows of twisted grapevines."

Lonely (free or not) heart are you still beating?

2005-08-07T21:15:00.000+09:30

OK so I convinced myself
that being alone would be preferable
to living a life of shared compromises

But there was a trade off
one ache
for another

The pain of emptiness
threatens to engulf me
a big wave of loneliness

I drive
long
cold
vacant roads
hoping to somehow outrun this feeling
or reach a destination that serves
a big schooner of fulfillment and happiness
where it's warm
and I can rest my weary heart for a while

My independence
I'd trade it today for a
spontaneous
passionate
warm embrace

I'd shackle myself to love
and beg to be it's slave
I would be love's whore
looking in all the wrong places
selling myself for a price that
anyone could afford

I knew there would be days like this
I wish they weren't so god-awful

So I stop running
stop looking
let the wave hit
wash over me
suck the breath of life from my body

Then it's gone
I'm alone
staring at sea and sky
where Venus falls into the silvery bowl of the crescent moon
that rests on the pale pink horizon

I pick up my split personality
drive home to a warm hearth
and family that needs me
even If I don't know
whether I'm capable of being there for them

Yang Chick

2005-08-07T12:56:00.000+09:30

Me me me! it's all about me and here is me brought to you by the sun, moon and stars above. Get yours

b. July 3 1975 2:45 PM Time Zone is ACST Willunga, AUSTL
Rising Sign is in 05 Degrees Sagittarius You are known for being open, frank, outgoing and honest. At times, though, you are also blunt and quite indiscreet. Others have to learn not to take everything you say personally, because you usually do not mean any harm. You appreciate living your life in a straightforward and simple manner -- you dislike social niceties and consider them to be hindrances to real communication. You have lots and lots of energy and tend to become quite restless if you feel confined. You demand the freedom to do as you choose -- you must be self- directed or you feel trapped and anxious. With your abundant energy, you enjoy being outdoors, and you should be attracted to physical exercise or to those forms of sport which can help you burn off some of that excess energy. Very gregarious, you love to socialize -- your innate enthusiasm livens up any gathering.
Sun is in 10 Degrees Cancer Very emotional and sensitive, you have an intuitive understanding of the "vibes" around you. You tend to be quite generous, giving, loving and caring, but only when your own needs for emotional support, love and security have been met. If they are not met, you tend to withdraw into yourself and become very insecure and selfish. Your home and family (especially your mother or the person who played that role for you early on) represent security for you and thus assume a larger-than-life importance. Very sentimental, you have vivid and long- enduring memories of the past. No matter how well adjusted you are, you will always need a secret quiet place of your own in order to feel at peace. Feeding others can give you great pleasure you would enjoy being part of a large family.
Moon is in 27 Degrees Aries High-spirited and courageous, you are a fighter when your emotions are aroused. The degree of force and drive that you can bring to any effort sometimes surprises others. You have hair-trigger reactions to specific stimuli and tend to "let it all hang out." You sometimes act before you think and do things on the spur of the moment, and that sometimes gets you into trouble. Your moods change quickly -- you have quite a temper, but you don't hold grudges. Very independent, with an extremely strong and forceful personality, you are known for being impulsive, careless, reckless, foolhardy, rash and daring. Mercury is in 19 Degrees Gemini Your mind is active, quick and agile. You are very restless and you get bored easily. Unless you receive constant mental stimulation, you become extremely nervous and begin to act in an unstable manner. You are probably a good student because of your natural inquisitiveness. You also love to travel. Your learning tends to be superficial, though, because you have a relatively short attention span. Try to develop the mental discipline to finish what you start. Also, you tend to talk on at times seemingly just to fill space -- make sure that your conversation has some substance to it or others will start avoiding you. Venus is in 25 Degrees Leo You have a striking, regal appearance and demeanor that attracts others to you. Your friendship is highly sought and you tend to take friendships quite seriously -- you remain loyal and true to those to whom you are attached. For you, love is mixed with pride and respect. Relationships are over when you lose respect for your partner. Be careful of a tendency to relate only to those who make you look good -- the powerful, important and influential. This can lead to arrogance and selfishness, and neither of these qualities becomes you.
Mars is in 01 Degrees Taurus Careful, slow and thorough about all that you do, at times you are also willful and stubborn when others try to alter your course. You are definitely not a quitter -- you will work long and hard to get what you want. Your possessions are very important to you. One of your continuing problems is that you tend to regard the significant people in your life much the same way as you do your possessions -- you become overly attached and much too jealous. You repress your anger when you get upset and that is not healthy. Try to learn to show your anger immediately in order to avoid painful explosions later.
Jupiter is in 21 Degrees Aries The way that you grow and develop is by being an uncompromising individualist. You have a great need to be yourself and to explore your latent talents and abilities. Do not be afraid to let yourself go and develop self-confidence and pride in your accomplishments. But try not to become so self-centered that you ignore the needs of others. Also, you may have to build up your self-discipline in order to focus your energies properly.
Saturn is in 20 Degrees Cancer The most important issue for you is emotional security. You have a deep and gnawing fear that those on whom you depend for emotional support will prove to be unreliable in the long run. When you are unloved and insecure, you distrust others and tend to feel isolated and lonely. Very cool, detached and objective, you can be counted on -- in situations that are inherently stressful or full of tension -- not to lose your self- control. That is a great and welcome gift at such times.
Uranus is in 28 Degrees Libra You, as well as your entire peer group, have a very free, unstable and unconventional approach to relationships and emotional commitments. You will be attracted to experiments in marriage and shared lifestyles. Personal freedom is more important to you than entangling emotional bonds. In the realm of art and aesthetics, you are attracted to the bizarre, shocking and unusual.
Neptune is in 09 Degrees Sagittarius You, and your entire generation, are heavily involved in investigating and idealizing foreign and exotic intellectual systems and religious philosophies. The most extreme ideals will be pursued with gusto. You will be at the forefront of humanitarian attempts to improve the lot of those who are in need of assistance. You will be comfortable with the concept of the "global village."
Pluto is in 06 Degrees Libra For your entire generation, this is a time of radical changes in society's attitude toward marriage and interpersonal relationships. There is a general fear and awe at the power inherent in making emotional or contractual commitments -- they will not be entered into lightly.
North Node is in 00 Degrees Sagittarius You will probably have many different contacts and acquaintances throughout your life. You're quite gregarious by nature and your natural curiosity about others lets you take the lead in forming new relationships. You'll form close ties with those who have similarly idealistic ideas -- especially those who can stimulate you intellectually in your chosen field of interest. Your enthusiasm for learning new things may also cause you to do quite a bit of traveling. Because you probably will have many wide-ranging interests and concerns, you most likely will have contacts and connections in various parts of the country (or world).

Neo Moon

2005-08-05T22:29:00.000+09:30

Reviewing...

Bomb blasts in London

"Thank god we can trust your instincts. I am fine as is everyone I know." - Shane of London how I miss you, love always to you.

Birth

Congratulations to the beautiful princess Rebecca and her prince James.
Welcome to the world Cooper! We'll do our best to make the world a place of beauty and peace for you.

"Jeez I love babies!!!" - Rick your enthusiasm is refreshing, what pills are you taking? Let me know love.

Separations and Sadness

"From time to time a bit of soppiness is good for the soul, like choccies, good wine, laughing, crying and occasionally telling someone to get stuffed!!" - Mary miss Mair love you very much. You opened your door and your heart to me all those years ago when there was no room at the inn. I will never forget your kindness and to me a stranger! Can't wait to see you in October. Please don't forget in those sad moments that there are people that truly love you for who you are. You are a blessing to many.

"I have been talking quite intensely with my friend Holly about this issue as well and she believes that to feel these emotions; the sky-topping highs and the subterranean lows are all part of the honour of being a human in this time and place. She would always take this option no matter how hard and joyous it is over being a sparrow or some other mindless, instinct driven animal. No matter how easy it may be to be that animal, she feels that we have a duty to explore and experience every aspect of humanness. I think you would get on really well with her...I have learnt a few things from it and think I am again developing some new skills and a more mature way of looking at the world. As I said to Kate Walkley yesterday, if I have too many more break ups, I will be wiser than the Dali Fucking Lama…lol." - Martin oh one of heart crushed wisdom. I will always be madly in love with you! Bring your ship to my port sometime - ok yeah not for sex darl, how about food, wine and tarot?

Good friends are like a well fitting bra they are comfortable yet make you look and feel fabulous

"So now I've planted a seed in your mind. It may or may not germinate but I like the way your mind thinks and nurtures the seeds anyway." - thanks Cherie, beautiful angel!

"I would like to say that I will always be there for the emotional cancer beauty. You have the ultimate energy to give and receive. I dont know how you will do it all. You will have to wait for the moon for this one." - thank you James the adventurous artiste! my heart travels with you beloved one.

And beautiful romance blossoms

"I love being totally entwined with someone to be a part of her soul and empty when not wrapped around her." - David the divine angel, joy and happiness suits you.

It's the dark moon now. New moon in the constellation of Leo, harnessing your passion and being grateful for the blessings in your life. The time to plant the seed for the next part of my journey.

Phases of the moon

2005-08-04T23:44:00.000+09:30

By StarIQ

New Moon in Leo Thursday, August 4, 8:05 pm PDT
Retrograde Mercury and an opposition from Neptune make this an especially imaginative Leo New Moon. A flood of fresh ideas and creative insights carry thoughts far beyond the bounds of reason. Bringing them down to earth is a delicate task, like capturing a wild bird without killing its spirit. Some must fly free to keep our minds open to further inspiration, so avoid subjecting every word to the dampening effects of logic or analysis.

Full Moon in Aquarius Friday, August 19, 10:54 am PDT
The Sun in Leo of individual expression faces the Moon in Aquarius of collective needs. The self is warm, the group is cool; one engages the heart, the other the mind. To draw closer or to pull back is the question, and the answer is that both have value.

Take distance when you're overheated with emotion and move in when you're frozen out by intellect. Learning to move between the two is the lesson of this lunation.

Neptune opposite the moon (Cancerian dreaming)

2005-08-04T22:26:00.000+09:30

Tarot reading

2005-08-03T00:47:00.000+09:30

For a work/live studio by the sea

The Three Fates spread is an exceptionally popular way to gain insight into the emerging arc of the past, present, and future.

The left card represents an important element of the past. Seven of Pentacles (Assessment): A pause to check on the progress of your labors. Making difficult financial decisions. Exercising patience and perseverance. Evaluating the status of your work and your options for the future.

The middle card represents a deciding element of the present. Strength: Raw power. Health and physical fortitude. A surge of tremendous force. Recovery from sickness. Victory after apprehension and fear. The ability to face and overcome opposition brings the inner qualities of strength and forbearance. Delays and setbacks will be overcome.

The right card represents a critical element of the future. Wheel of Fortune: The path of destiny. Karma on a grand scale. An unexpected turn of good fortune. A link in the chain of events. Success, luck, and happiness.

The Two Paths spread provides insight into an important decision ahead of you, the possible outcomes, and the forces that draw you towards each of these outcomes.

The top left card represents the first possible outcome. King of Wands: The essence of fire behaving as air, such as lightning: A great and daring leader who inspires others to rise to challenges alongside him. An artist who can take hold of an idea and make it a reality through bold action. One who is forceful, charismatic, and honest, leading by example, but unafraid to invest authority in others. A dashing and magnetic personality, carrying authority naturally, and striking at the world with swiftness and grace.

The top right card represents the second possible outcome. Ace of Pentacles: The seed of prosperity and material gain - perhaps as yet unseen. A new foundation from which to turn your dreams into reality. The need to focus on the practical and understand the dynamics of the natural world. May represent a gift, document, inheritance, or an unexpected opportunity for physical achievement.

The middle left card represents the force drawing you towards the first possible outcome. The Empress: The essence of femininity and matriarchy. Creativity, productivity, and the foundation of civilization. Initiative and practical actions that promote prosperity, comfort and luxury. Fruitfulness and motherhood.

The middle right card represents the force drawing you towards the second possible outcome. Three of Pentacles (Works): The commencement of business, commercial transactions, or employment. The constructive use of creative talents, and the expression of artistry in workmanship. Skill and labor turned to the crafting of things of value. Using the conventional as a medium for expressing the exceptional, in order to build something of great renown and glory.

The bottom card represents the critical factor that decides what will come to pass. The Moon: Cyclic transformation covering the mysterious forces of the night. Feminine beauty and the intoxicating vitality of youth. The metamorphosis from beauty to beast and vice versa. Occult forces, sensitivities and intense dreams. Dangerous situations and perilous times.

The Fourfold Vision spread offers a progression of different ways of looking at an object, person, or situation. It is a powerful tool for gaining deeper insight into the specific subjects of other readings.

The card on the far right represents the object being viewed, be it an idea, relationship, or the self. The Hermit: Withdrawal from events and relationship to introspect and gather strength. Seeking the inner voice or calling upon vision from within. A need of understanding and advice, or a wise man who will offer knowing guidance. Personal experience and thoughtful temperance.

The card second from the right represents the physical vision: how the object is seen at a base or mechanical level. Three of Wands (Virtue): Personal fortitude and strength of character. Accumulated power set in motion towards a distant goal. The initiation of an enduring partnership based on absolute trust. Honor maintained in a time of desperate struggle. Taking full responsibility for a decision, and bearing the solitude of leadership.

The card in the middle represents the mental vision: the object personified and seen through a humanized perspective. Ten of Pentacles (Wealth): Completion of material prosperity and riches. Freedom from financial anxiety, the security of home, and the enjoyment of family. The passing of inheritance along to children, or the gaining of inheritance from parents.

The card second from the left represents the emotional vision: how passions and values are creatively stimulated by the mental vision. Four of Swords (Truce): A time of tranquility and intellectual repose in the midst of a great struggle. A temporary retreat from stress to regather inner strength, reaffirm convictions, reorganize thoughts, and formulate a new plan. The need for vigilance in a moment of calm. May suggest a withdrawal from the material world to find spiritual guidance.

The card on the far left represents the fourfold or mystical vision: still viewing through the previous three, we now add a spiritual element, revealing unseen aspects of the object. The High Priestess: A pure, exalted and gracious influence. Education, knowledge, wisdom, and esoteric teachings. The forces of nature. Intuition, foresight, and spiritual revelation of the most mysterious and arcane sort.

Letter in a bottle

2005-08-03T00:00:00.000+09:30

Sometimes sending an email feels like throwing your letter-in-a-bottle into the deep blue...

I have been holding you, your eyes, your energy close in my heart. I am going through some big changes here. It is scary and exhilarating. My little heart is bobbing on the wild ocean, thrown from one wave to the next. I know this emotionally choppy water usually indicates that there is a split in my life that needs to be bridged and I am trying to creatively allow this to manifest with as little destruction to my significant relationships as possible. I feel myself moving away often and it scares me because my family is so important to me and their wellbeing is a consciously important priority for me. But I am a person in my own right and need to feel my sense of self and purpose clearly too. Even though the mind/body duality is well published I think the mind/heart one is so complex. My head is buzzing with rational thought, telling me "stop being a bloody sentimental fool. You hold on too tight, let it go, jump and let your wings unfurl and take you where you need to go." My heart is sobbing, inconsolable, lonely, wanting to love and be loved and feel completely wrapped up in that. Scared of getting hurt, curled up and hiding. Oh man the pull is tiring.

I am missing you and could do with someone to hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok. Little lost girl day. The irony is that I need to stand on my own two feet at this time and the isolation, the independence, and the distance from what feels comfortable is my path. So it is probably good that there is no safe welcoming arms to fall into.

I think a solution is just around the corner and as I approach my next new moon I will be taking the seed of this idea in to plant for the next month. For now I'm focusing on work because I feel that a solution will present itself soon and I need to have the cash flow to walk thought that door. I know this is just a test and I will do just fine but I am human and a sensitive one at that.

Commitments

2005-08-01T01:48:00.000+09:30

Commitments: can you really have a relationship with a person or a career and have your own life too? Michael Lutin - how do you always know what I'm thinking?

RELATIONSHIPS

COMMITMENTS

in personal life or career are total
you either
do something with your whole heart and soul
or you don't
lots of people
have huge dreads and fears
of being trapped, caught, stifled and strangled
by another person, a job, a boss, kids,
or whatever begins to demand
an intimate and wholehearted connection
Many individuals are frightened of this
they all have very valid reasons
some near death experience in their lives
has made them terrified of being in a safe, enclosed space.
They jump from relationship to relationship
job to job
place to place
telling themselves they are bored
when in reality
they begin to feel choked
and have to run
other people seem to be able to stick to either another individual
or a career path
or their kids
and not feel they are being encroached upon
or even killed
everyone has a different astrological constellation
that reflects their childhood
and the events that shaped them
right now with the north node in Aries
the subject has come up again
how can you be connected to a mate
or allow yourself to be fully engaged in a career path
and manage to find happiness and fulfillment in your own right
in your own separate life
without feeling you have to give up your freedom
or your independence
or your autonomy
or your personal integrity?
1) You have to be able to stick through moments when you feel 'I've got to get out of here'.
2) You've got to be able to be grown up enough to know that once you've given an oath or a word or signed a contract, you OWE the other person or the job, an honest attempt to live up to whatever you have promsied to do.

Therefore
SET UP THE RELATIONSHIP FROM THE BEGINNING
NOTICE THE DYNAMICS
UNDERSTAND THAT IT IS ALWAYS GOING TO BE A BATTLE BETWEEN
DOMINANCE AND SUBMISSION

Missing you

2005-07-31T23:21:00.000+09:30

Suddenly
i'm missing you
Wanting to pull you close,
envelop my senses
in your essence
Press my lips to yours,
taste your mouth
Look into your eyes,
see your soul
Feel your arms around me
Smell you
Beginning just behind your ear
ending at your ankle
Hear your voice say my name
Rest my head on your chest,
absorb your heartbeat
Wherever you are,
my heart longs to be
Goodnight my love

Wanterism

2005-07-30T18:19:00.000+09:30

'Wanterism' is a concept that came to me about 2 am. It means anything you REALLY want but seems like total fantasy.

Top ten wanterisms;

1. Mercedes SLK (latest obsession)
2. Brad Pitt naked, not talking
3. A whole year to lose myself somewhere in the world, explore and write
4. Sun-ripened apricots on top of tree
5. A man that thinks that emotions are ok things to express
6. A live in chef and masseur
7. A house that cleans up after you leave for work
8. Sunshine, at least 6 hours of it or more everyday
9. Long lunches daily
10. Followed by siesta and sexual partner of choice

If by some stoke of luck, genius or whatever means available these become reality they automatically transfer to haverisms.

Haverisms are anything you thought was a wanterism but somehow wasn't.

You get my drift?

Ah life. Someone must be laughing their arse off.

Ego Tripping at the Gates of Hell

2005-07-29T23:43:00.000+09:30

i was waiting on a moment
but the moment never came
all the billion other moments
were just slipping all away
i must have been tripping
just ego tripping
i was wanting you to love me
but your love it never came
all the other love around me
was just wasting all away
i must have been tripping
just ego tripping
i was waiting on a moment
but the moment never came
but the moment never came

- The Flaming Lips
Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots

Martino magnifico
Hi baby
I'm listening to The Lips thinking bout ya.
Wondering if Friday night turned out to b fucking glorious
or if u r weeping into a hotchoc
watching dvd's all on your lonely only
Love, aint it grand. Don't it suck!

Love to you forever

Welcome to my dark side

2005-07-29T12:37:00.000+09:30

I love blood
I love bloody fantasies
I love movies that ooze blood
I love the sharp primal instinct
that the smell triggers

Vivid
fresh
bright
wet
red
trickling
spraying
dripping
oozing
dark
black
crimson
rich
velvety
slippery
smooth
russet
sticky
tacky
dried
brown
stained

The taint in your nostrils.

The unmistakable taint of blood.

The metallic taste, like iron tablets.

You can taste the smell of blood.

life
lust
sex
danger
blood and flesh
love

The most I have ever bled was after the birth of my first child.

There was a lot of blood.

How I survived losing that much blood, I don't know.

After I ate iron tablets like they were candy.

What would all my blood look like in the bath?

Repulsive?

Why is repulsion so compelling?

Double-edged.

Fascinating and repulsive.

Love on earth; security is sexy

2005-07-28T23:20:00.000+09:30

One could be forgiven for imagining a material girl theme running here. What in fact has been happening is my annual Venus in Leo transit.

Me, me, me! Shower this princess/goddess/heroine/lover with presents, compliments and luurve! But now (alas) Venus has left luscious Leo, gliding into virtuous Virgo to have her gracious, vegetarian and vitamin RDI (shower before and after) way with us all.

Followed closely by Mars into Taurus. In contrast to action-man Aries, he can appear a little Neanderthal, a little slow on the uptake. Probably because he has been distracted by the wafting smells of slow roasted venison, the temptation of lady Virgo (preferably on the chaise lounge dressed in Chanel) and the clink of coins somewhere in the back chamber. Mars in Taurus can certainly lack in the dazzlingly stylish stakes but I personally find him very sexy here (because he can afford to keep me in the manner with which I am accustomed). Get used to the vibe people, it's here to stay for the next 7 months! Bring on the $$$, sex and food. I'm dreaming of a very sexy, educated man in pinstriped suit, a relaxed chat about my latest investments, sipping chianti and nibbling stuffed quail while I slide my stockinged foot into the inside of his thigh under the starchy linen tablecloth of my favourite restaurant, MB parked outside.

Back to the real world, my acupuncturist, upon checking my pulses commented, "How are your nerves?" "Fine", said I, thinking of the late nighters, the constant mind chatter. To which he replied, "I can't find your heart pulse." "Oh, is that a problem? I would probably work better without one."

I got the pin in the middle of my head again. Is that for curing a cheeky disposition?

Anyway my heart is back on line. I had a rush of energy to it after crashing for a good 12 hours of sleep. It felt like a drumroll. Then driving about 28 hours later I felt a sorrow surge, followed by a joy rush. Eueueugh. Man what a trip acupuncture is...

I was thinking the other day, gotta stop falling in love. Wondering whether the thrill of it would -be as potent if it didn't have the echo of some distant tragedy.

So I'm sticking to matters of security. Behaving myself and working hard to save some money and get RICH. Can you buy love? First on the agenda is signing over (my money, sigh) for a scholarship fund for my children's education (so if I fail at getting rich I can push them into some disgustingly wealthy career). Gotta hedge those bets!

Meet the love of my life...

2005-07-28T23:11:00.000+09:30

Mercedes SLK mmmmm delicious! Darling you are so beautiful you make me wanna cry.

Buon Appetito!

2005-07-22T20:53:00.000+09:30

Our formal Italian dinner party tomorrow night,

aperitivi sparkling wine with tiny tomato tarts
pane bread with good olive oil and bowls of olives
primi handmade pumpkin ravioli with cream,
walnut and sage sauce with a tiny arugula salad
secondi garlic-crusted racks of lamb on rosemary
seared barramundi fillets with roasted beetroot
bowls of beans drizzled with olive oil and seasalt
mixed fungi, panfried in truffle infused oil
insalata red cabbage and orange salad
dolci chocolate, hazelnut and honey semifreddo
digestivi frangelico
formaggi cheese with cuddureddi, quince & fresh pear
cafe espresso and cigars

Today in the markets, I pottered, chatting and smiling with the stall holders, smelling fresh produce, discussing the menu and breathing the sensual vibe of one of my favourite places on earth. Picking beautiful, delicate mushrooms, an aphrodisiac sliver of vanilla pod, big fat dried figs.

Back south to drop in to pick some juicy prime lamb racks, order a barramundi to be filleted early in the morning and picked up good olive oil, tasting new salted olives and collecting some Italian varietals, barbera, sangiovese, and nebbiolo.

Sigh! I'm in heaven. Food and sex and this little chick is a happy girl :-)

Anima Mundi

2005-07-22T00:09:00.000+09:30

"The archetypal Artemis is also composed of a triple aspect, for she represented a wild sense of femininity, a nurturer, and the sublime virgin goddess."

"A deeper examination of her archetypal nature reveals the richness of the inherent symbolism associated with the feminine psyche for Miller has noted that Artemis represents the huntress nature and the "High Priestess" in her solitary role as Virgin-Mother, and in both instances she is coupled with the moon as the symbol of lunar consciousness. As the Virgin-Mother she is the archetype of their Anima Mundi, paradoxically and simultaneously the Immaculate Virgin and Great Mother within whose makeup is contained the total cyclic natural processes and its relationship to time, transcending time while constantly living in an eternal now. She is the highest representation of the wholeness within the female, the feminine source of wisdom and the secret powers of nature, the archetype that has echoed down through the millenniums as the Great Mother, the symbol of bringing creative ideas to manifestation, of life itself (Artemis: Paradoxical Virgin-Priestess-Mother)."

Love a Leo

2005-07-21T17:06:00.000+09:30

I love Leo people. I love their pomposity, their showmanship, their tantrum throwing, their take me or fuck off stance on life. I love it that they rub people up the wrong way, not because they are arseholes but because they truly believe in themselves. If you have Leo prominent in your chart, there is a good chance that I will love you madly! I have Venus in Leo, it's my essential femaleness, and while this transit occurs each year, I feel larger than life, confident, carefree and am demanding of love, attention and the limelight. Now Saturn is in Leo, we will all have a karmic bash at being LEO! Not surprisingly, Leo's are reinventing themselves, left, right and centre. But not the way you would expect.

Madonna isn't the person she once was - and that's the way she wants it. These days, the former Material Girl spends more time with her two children than she does performing. She collects art instead of boyfriends, and she's traded in her leather and lace undergarments for more demure outfits.

"I was a very selfish person. You go through periods of your life where the world does revolve around you, but you can't live your whole life that way," she is quoted as saying. "On the other hand, I kind of admire my spunk and directness!"

Me too Mrs Richie, Me too.

Ponder this

2005-07-20T13:33:00.000+09:30

Life is sexually transmitted

Fortunate words

2005-07-19T23:07:00.000+09:30

Read today, JK Rowling, famed author of the Harry Potter books, is worth a f***ing fortune! She gets $2000 a word for her fiction.

If I were JK Rowling that last little reflection on life would be worth $600,000.

Inconceivable!

Hooray for JK, the humble school teacher who rose to become richer than the Queen of England with her amazing imagination and indomitable spirit!

Off to bed.

So sleepy.

Earth's altar

2005-07-19T20:37:00.000+09:30

life is changing so fast

fate has dealt a new hand
do you want to play?

the cards you hold now
will shape your future
for years to come

or you can put your cards
face-down on the table
wait for a better deal

take it or leave it

how often we twist the truth
construct an acceptance of things as they are
by the inevitability of change

how easy to dream of a distant time
when all will be well
because it will be right then
or different

how often the spectre of the past
causes fear to build up like tartar

a spirit can be suppressed by a big
mind-numbing
prosac
dose of nostalgia

hold on to something that is past it's time

nostalgia can blind our eyes to the way things are
with the memories
of the way things probably never were

walking on the winter beach

cold air biting at my nose

sun straining through atmosphere
ineffective distance from now

this is my sanctuary

a place to connect with spirit

a restless urge

a whispering ripple

a tiny creeping caterpillar
eating at the tender green platform it stands on

i stop and turn slowly
taking in this magnificent cathedral

sea salt sun shimmering sky

clouds coloured circling closing

sun sifting slowly sinking

moon mysteriously magnetic

waves crashing running receding

pebble resting

i pick it up

it is cold
flat
smooth
porous
round
grey

turn it over slowly
note its tiny flaws

precious pebble
washed in the watery womb
birthed onto the sleek wet sand
purified by the setting sun
blessed by the rising moon

i put it into my pocket

a reminder of the power of nature

the cycle of time

the essence of change

it's a beautiful thing

Combustion capers

2005-07-18T14:36:00.000+09:30

Having two children has made me more flexible and patient.

But this weekend?

What a mind trip!

Here is a taste.

My plans for a splendid evening with friends took a twist and then a turn and changed to me staying with a close friend for a quiet night.

And? you say.

Well having decided not to go out after all, I decided to pop home to grab a chicken to roast, some icecream and some butterscotch schnapps. yum

On the way back I spied a raging inferno!! "Holy Cow!" thought I, "a house on fire!" In a mad 'curiosity killed the cat' caper I ended up on a back road in the middle of nowhere, bogged in a ditch that I had reversed back into in the dark. The ditch would have been quite favourable to drive out of had it not been raining all day and full of slimy, muddy water.

So there I was in the freezing cold, with a huge wall of fire in front of me at a distance. What to do? What to do? At some point while I was standing there feeling more than a little silly I put two and two together and placed the fire as a OTT backyard bonfire. (I remember a local guy boasting that he had drunk a slab of beer and burnt a cabin cruiser for his 30th Bday a couple of years ago, I was speechless, a little impressed and more than a little disturbed by this at the time).

The situation was quickly remedied by a mate up the road who came to my rescue. Naughty boy had (unbenownst to me) been drinking and smoking all evening and arrived, boozy, stinky maleness, full wine glass in hand in his trusty utility, declaring with a lopsided, unshaven grin "Here I am, your drunk knight in shabby ute." Got to give the guy 10/10 for humour.

This was one of many surreal experiences.

The magnificent person I am to be... and other stories of Saturn in Leo

2005-07-18T14:31:00.000+09:30

I just checked in to Mystic Medusa's blog, the chick who writes stars for the Weekend Australian. She has posted a letter written by a Capricorn re: Saturn changing signs... This is a beautiful metaphor of what IS for all of us now...

So there I was, Capricorn in Coogee, thinking this morning, "Hmm, Saturn has finally f***ed off out of Cancer and I don't feel any different. Yes, over the past three weeks, my life has changed dramatically on many different, profoundly amazing levels, but, nah, don't feel a thing. So I am down at the beach for my usual Sunday latte and papers in the sun (lucky me) and espy to my right a restaurant that has particular poignancy re. me and the ex-boyfriend who entered my life three years ago and played some very instructive (though utterly gut-wrenching) havoc for two of those ensuing years, leaving me licking wounds and healing for the past one. And I have this sudden thought of hey, so what? Like that building is going to be there as long as I live here, so too is he going to be part of the landscape of my life. So what? I got complete, sudden acceptance of that. And then I had this intense visual pullback moment, where I saw all the urban buildup behind me as the accumulated structure of who I am now and the beautiful, sparking, windy, wavy infinite ocean before me as the realm of future possibility. And I was moved to beautiful tears of gratitude, for that and for who I am. And everything looked absolutely exquisite. Yes, apart from
this, I don't feel any different... Just wanted to say thanks for giving me the heads-up on what this all means -- but don't you just love it when the theory puts itself so magnificently into practice!! I thought you'd appreciate the story. Good luck with the fiction; been there and am cheering you along. Coogee Cappy

True Beauty

2005-07-17T11:46:00.000+09:30

I received an email today from a client with whom I have a very strong connection with. She is an angel, a very compassionate, wise and inspiring woman! A Goddess!!! This is her thoughts on beauty...

I've been thinking about the 'true beauty' concept a bit more and what it means. Using natural products and eating organic foods reduces the toxicity that the body has to process. Less toxicity leads to a more energetic aura which is enlarged. People with strong auras have all their chakras working more effectively which is very attractive (hence spiritual leaders have such a strong following and presence because of their auras). When your aura is healthy you are also living your lifes purpose and working for the highest good of all, which makes the world a more pleasant place to be in. It's a simple concept but it stretches a long way.

Today is the beginning of the rest of my life

2005-07-17T00:53:00.000+09:30

One day the mirror cracks, and shatters. The pieces lying around your feet reflecting a reality that no longer exists. How odd to realise what you knew all along.

I feel so free of this tangled web.

I feel free to choose.

I feel free to love.

I feel free to hope, plan and dream.

I am not alone.

I have myself.